Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Does looking after a friend's child for the morning mean till 2pm

68 replies

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 22:41

Incredibly petty of me I know, and the first time I've done an AIBU about an RL situation.

Friend in childcare crisis has asked me to look after her 2.2 ds for the morning. I said 'of course' (though I'm ashamed to say that I'd been planning to park my own 2.9 dd in front of Cbeebies for most some of that morning bcs I've got some things that I really have to do on the day, that I knew I probably wouldn't be able to do today.

"So I'll see you at...?"

"2pm."

The children get on really well - for 2 year olds. It's not going to be possible to leave them for more than a minute at a time, I don't think.

I won't be able to make any of the excruciatingly long 'you are held in a queue' calls that I have to make.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that her DH, who's freelance and also studying, is not working but studying (totally valid - but in an emergency I would expect my own DP to catch up with study later) But this is a suspicion only.

Background: history of offering unasked-for favours, I accept with delight. Immediately presented with the 'return favour' that in truth motivated her offer.

Was supposed to be looking after ds while I gave birth to dd - but I discovered by chance that had dd arrived at a certain point - 1 week early - she wouldn't have been able to look after ds after all - bcs had subsequently taken up an offer of a 'bargain' holiday. DS being looked after by friends and not scared and alone was my huge worry etc etc.

She is probably the person who I have most fun with, locally iyswim. Funny, kind in many respects, would help in a crisis etc. Just this one 'favour' fault.

You know, I know i ABU, but my stomach is churning and I need someone to tell me that it's the other things that are more important.

If she'd said 'huge favour to ask, can you look after my toddler for 5 hours' I would have said yes without a thought (though have truthfully dreaded it) But I feel.. manipulated.

OP posts:

shatteredmumsrus · 11/07/2008 09:52

I would like someine to come and play with my 3yo son, send them all over here. I have always found its easier when they have company. whne he has his friend round I can iron and do all the things I couldnt when he is here on his own! Make the most of the situation I say

TenaciousG · 11/07/2008 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Threadwworm · 11/07/2008 11:13

Hope that the extra-child morning is going ok. When I get resentful about doing 'favours' for other mums it is because I'm not very good at asking for favours in return. I go out of my way to state the request precisely (2pm, etc.) and give the other person loads of opportunities to say no, and I feel guilty about asking.

Other people are just genuinely more relaxed about asking for favours and don't anticipate your sort of feelings, probably because they don't mind being asked for favours themselves and also don't feel guilty about saying no whenever they want to. So I'm guessing she was just too casual, rather than manipilative.

Anyway, hope it's going ok.

handlemecarefully · 11/07/2008 13:40

Only 20 minutes to go. Hang on in there

GrapefruitMoon · 11/07/2008 13:53

This reminds me of the time that a "friend" asked me to take her dd somewhere as she was working - I was taking my own dd so in theory not a problem. BUT some other friends then came to stay from abroad and I felt I couldn't change my mind about helping her out, though it meant not being able to drive my friends to the airport, having to make convoluted arrangements for someone to look after my dcs while I took them to the bus, etc. Oh and it was also the hottest day of the year. Then when I got to her house (grandma was looking after her dd) it turns out her dh was there, watching tv, too --rude- busy to come to the door to say hello... so he could easily have taken his dd and mine to where they needed to be....

Ripeberry · 11/07/2008 14:18

Just a word of warning, if you look after any friends children for more than 2hours a day and it is in your OWN home, then you could get procecuted for not registering as a childminder.
Its much better to look after the other child in THEIR own home as you do not have to register for that.
Although your friend would not pay you, they cannot pay you "in kind" either, be it with flowers, wine or even returning the favour.

Ripeberry · 11/07/2008 14:22

just make sure it's not a regular thing as she would be using you as illegal childcare UNLESS she lets you use her house and then you can have unlimited use of her tea/coffee and biscuits

Oblomov · 11/07/2008 14:35

I really really hate that rule Ripenberry.
I know why it is there, but i really really hate it.
My friend regularly looks after my ds. She has a ds of similar age and both ds's really like eachother.
As a pregnant diabetic I have to do an almost 12 hour round trip to the hospital every fortnight. I regularly give her £20 for those days.
But we also go round eachothers houses often too.
I offer to have her ds for the whole day, from time to time too. To give her a break.

Whatever happened to just helping a friend out ? Most times for most people, no money is involved.

Ripeberry · 11/07/2008 14:42

Yes, i know it seems unfair but it is there for a reason and also to protect the children and the parents.
If anything happened when you were looking after your friends child and they found out you had been childminding without being registered you could have a criminal conviction.
If you look after any friends children then it is BEST for your own protection to look after them in the CHILD's OWN home as then you would be classed as a Nanny and they don't have to register.
If you could see how much work goes into becoming a childminder these days then you would understand.

Oblomov · 11/07/2008 14:44

No, I totally understand the hard work that even BECOMING a CM, entails.
But many many people need an occassional break. If you can't get a friend to look after your ds, then what is the world coming to.

Oblomov · 11/07/2008 14:47

Yes, but if it was 2 hours every day ....
But an occassional few hours, is different. I mean if that was a problem , no child would be able to go round to anothers for tea !!!!
The Op had a child for a few hours. As a one off. Hardly a CM issue, surely ?

Oblomov · 11/07/2008 14:51

I always offer my services. No one wants me to look after their children. My sil has let me look after her 2 once, for the whole day. And my friend, with the ds who my ds's likes, Once.
I mean, I can't even get anyone to let me do them a favour.
Must be doing something wrong somewhere

Oblomov · 11/07/2008 14:53

My next door neighbour is as pregnant as me.
Last month, she had a scan, She asked me to pick up her 2 childrn from different schools. Oh how I loved it.

Original poster

onebatmother · 11/07/2008 19:13

Oh blimey I didn't see new posts.

hmpf. I have to go now and also I've been worrying all day about being identifiable (which I am). Too late now though.

Squonk. Thank you for your full consideration [basks] V briefly, I ended up acquiescing to an induction that I badly didn't want, in order to fit in wiht her mini-break schedule - because DC1 was v anxious about the whole thing and I'd told him that he would be staying with his BF and to change that at the last minute would have been v upsetting for him. So it didn't all work out in the end, unfortunately.

OP posts:

fryalot · 11/07/2008 19:14

oh.

In that case, I take it back.

Twat.

(is that better?)

googgly · 11/07/2008 19:38

Ripeberry, that's the most ludicrous thing I've heard for ages. That makes it sound like having a child round for 3 hours after school for a playdate is somehow illegal. When my ds1 was 2 and at nursery I used to alternate pick ups and lunch with his bf's mum so we could have a few extra hours every other day to do other stuff. Who was going to sue me if "something happened"?

Rachmumoftwo · 11/07/2008 19:57

Ripeberry, I think you mistaking friends helping each other and playdates for childminding for money. So, no-one should let their child be looked after outside of the home by anyone unless they are registered and fully conversant with the EYFS Framework?

(Runs off to forcibly remove children from next door in case something happens).

squirrel42 · 11/07/2008 21:43

This is being discussed over in the childminding section now too! To clarify what my semi-knowledgable understanding is here as well, the wording in the Children Act is:

"a person acts as a child minder if he looks after one or more children under the age of eight, for reward"

There are then exemptions such as for relatives, or if it's for less than two hours a day, or if it's in the child's own home, etc.

Reward has been interpreted as money or payment in kind. No one is going to look at a bottle of wine as "payment" for having someone's kids for a morning! That's a gift and a thank you, it's not even close to being of equal value to the "service" provided.

The payment in kind bit is mostly aimed at picking up people who exchange childcare. For example I'll have your kid all day on Mondays and Tuesdays while you work, and you have mine back on Wednesdays and Thursdays in exchange. That isn't just doing a favour - that's a long running if informal childcare arrangement. Yes obviously in a ideal world having an arrangement like that with no ofsted involvement or hassle would be great and save lots on childcare fees even if you would have two lots of kids some days, but the law says that sort of care requires registration.

Flip

1 2 3