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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does looking after a friend's child for the morning mean till 2pm

68 replies

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 22:41

Incredibly petty of me I know, and the first time I've done an AIBU about an RL situation.

Friend in childcare crisis has asked me to look after her 2.2 ds for the morning. I said 'of course' (though I'm ashamed to say that I'd been planning to park my own 2.9 dd in front of Cbeebies for most some of that morning bcs I've got some things that I really have to do on the day, that I knew I probably wouldn't be able to do today.

"So I'll see you at...?"

"2pm."

The children get on really well - for 2 year olds. It's not going to be possible to leave them for more than a minute at a time, I don't think.

I won't be able to make any of the excruciatingly long 'you are held in a queue' calls that I have to make.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that her DH, who's freelance and also studying, is not working but studying (totally valid - but in an emergency I would expect my own DP to catch up with study later) But this is a suspicion only.

Background: history of offering unasked-for favours, I accept with delight. Immediately presented with the 'return favour' that in truth motivated her offer.

Was supposed to be looking after ds while I gave birth to dd - but I discovered by chance that had dd arrived at a certain point - 1 week early - she wouldn't have been able to look after ds after all - bcs had subsequently taken up an offer of a 'bargain' holiday. DS being looked after by friends and not scared and alone was my huge worry etc etc.

She is probably the person who I have most fun with, locally iyswim. Funny, kind in many respects, would help in a crisis etc. Just this one 'favour' fault.

You know, I know i ABU, but my stomach is churning and I need someone to tell me that it's the other things that are more important.

If she'd said 'huge favour to ask, can you look after my toddler for 5 hours' I would have said yes without a thought (though have truthfully dreaded it) But I feel.. manipulated.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 10/07/2008 23:11

Hmmmm I am really trying to see your pov, honestly and truly. But I just don't see the request as a big thing in the context of a friendship. I don't think she was that disingenuous with her request. You said "So I'll see you at?" and she replied "2 pm".

I kind of get your point about her unavailability around your term date (although it is a slightly tenuous argument based on your dc arrived a week early) - has she let you down other than this? Because we are all allowed one 'miss'

harpsichordcarrier · 10/07/2008 23:11

is it that bad to look after two two year olds, though? can you take them out somewhere, have a little fun?
in your shoes I would do three hours at soft play, picnic somewhere, then the park
I would rther look after two than one, though, tbh

MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 10/07/2008 23:12

Well, OBM, I think your pal is being a bit cheeky to stretch the definition of 'morning' to run to 2pm. So you have been manipulated a bit, but (I think) the issue here is reciprocity: will your friend be able to repay the favour, at any time or in any context? It's a fine thing to help a friend but if the traffic of favours is all one way then that in itself is a bit meh, methinks.

handlemecarefully · 10/07/2008 23:13

Yes personally I don't find looking after two any more challenging that looking after one (although there is often a bit more mess to clear away in the aftermath)

TheRealPhartiphukborlz · 10/07/2008 23:13

and you wouuldnt really have put your 2 year in front of cbeebies all mornign would you?
tbh

Swedes · 10/07/2008 23:15

Is it done now? Or is it in the future?

MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 10/07/2008 23:19

Original poster

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 23:19

he hits though harpsi, and so I'll really have to stand over them the whole time. Have thought about soft play and I'll probably do that - but suspect that they'll go off in diff directions and I'll be an elastic maniac.

I find looking after 2 x 2 yr olds way more challenging than one (my one, who talks and whom I love to hear talk) - am v impressed at those who don't..

no, not CBeebies all morning TheReal, but every time I had to make/take a call..

OP posts:

Original poster

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 23:22

shall we look it up, MadBAd?

Swedes, it's tomorrow.

Ah Bah! I know I'm being petty in this instance. There's probably no way of describing the background grumbling resentment that has led me to be annoyed by this particular (small) example of a bigger problem.

OP posts:

harpomarx · 10/07/2008 23:24

aha, I see I have started a 'meh' thread-within-a-thread.

will the true definition please step forward?

handlemecarefully · 10/07/2008 23:24

Ok will take your word for it (re the background rumbling resentment) - but perhaps you need to talk and get it out in the open?

harpomarx · 10/07/2008 23:26

plus, you were obviously all pretending to know what the hell the others were talking about...

btw, onebat, sorry to disrupt your thread. I think 2 is almost still morning and she does sound like a good friend, with all her imperfections.

Swedes · 10/07/2008 23:28

Oh God a two year old who hits will be hard going.

Two two year olds is about ten times the work of your own two year old on her own.

greenelizabeth · 10/07/2008 23:33

One bat, why don't you say that you will need to mind the children at their house as your TV not working and you need to have some tv time. Or your brother and his family are staying with you.....

Taht would sniff out any studying husband quickly

Swedes · 10/07/2008 23:36

Or that your DP is working from home and won't get anything done!

Original poster

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 23:37

precisely, Swedes.

that's a gooood idea greenelizabeth. I think I will do that - not to catch studying out (it goes on elsewhere) but for somewhere else to go

OP posts:

Swedes · 10/07/2008 23:38

If she works full-time why does she have a childcare emergency? Is her nanny/childminder ill?

Original poster

onebatmother · 10/07/2008 23:48

yes. It is an emergency. Unless her DP isn't working.

Anyways. I realize that I have to grit teeth/give self kick up the arse so will do so.

Good Night, Ladies, and thanks.

OP posts:

Thankyouandgoodnight · 11/07/2008 08:49

Has she said 2pm so that she can have lunch after finishing work at 1pm??

Swedes · 11/07/2008 08:52

Thinking of you Onebat as the toddlers limber up for their first fight of the day.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 11/07/2008 08:57

I'm with hmc. She sounds a good friend.

I don't think going on holiday at a time when you might have been giving birth is really letting you down. You can't seriously have expected her to pass up the chance of a cheap break in case you gave birth.

I have dumped a baby ds3 on a friend at 9am once and asked her to have him until 3pm. I felt very guilty as (like me) she has a disabled child so I know how precious time alone is. I did pick her up a decent bottle of wine on my way to pick him up. Perhaps your friend will do that, or will help out similarly at hideously short notice- and you won't have to feel guilty asking.

2point4kids · 11/07/2008 09:16

She may be working the morning shift till 1pm and then can get back to you by 2pm?
I'd class that as morning.

When she drops off her dc just say to her that you've got a few jobs to catch up on and can she take your dd for a few hours soon in return please?

fryalot · 11/07/2008 09:26

I have read the op and have given the matter my full consideration.

I think you are BU, tbh.

The thing is, she hasn't actually done anything wrong, but you sort of suspect that maybe she might...

she went away in the week before you were due - but didn't tell you. Perhaps this was because she didn't want to worry you and was sure that everything would work out ok. Which it actually did, she probably thought long and hard about whether to accept the holiday or not, but reasoned that she couldn't possibly be on call for the full nine months, so as long as she was around for the time of the due date, that would be ok. And it was, as it happens.

She has asked you to look after her children for the morning. To me, the morning is the first part of the day. The afternoon being the second part of the day and all day being... well, all day. So perhaps your definitions of morning are different, but I don't think she has willfully misled you.

You suspect that her husband may be studying instead of working and could have had the children. This may be true, or not, but unless she has actually said "he is working" then she hasn't misled you on that either. Perhaps she asked him to have the kids and he started an argument along the lines of "you can't expect me to study, work full time and look after the children any time you click your fingers... rar rarr rarr!" or perhaps he is behind and REALLY needs the time to catch up.

I think it is more a slight communication problem rather than her taking the piss, tbh.

Ask her to have yours one weekend day so you can pamper yourself - that should make you feel better

fryalot · 11/07/2008 09:26

gosh that was long

ProfYaffle · 11/07/2008 09:42

I've got a friendship that runs along very similar lines to those you describe. I had a vague feeling of being slightly manipulated but not over anything major, I've learned to handle it by being more assertive.

You could regain some control by being a bit more upfront about what you can and can't do. When she said she'd collect at 2pm you could have asked if she could make it a bit earlier as you had stuff to do.

For some ridiculous reason I felt a bit guilty about doing this at first but it's really not a big deal, didn't seem to bother my mate.

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