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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame my MIL for the breakdown of my marriage?

39 replies

bunchoflowers · 08/07/2008 19:58

I have been married to my DH for nearly 10 years. During that time, my MIL has not contributed as much money to my family as my own mother has. She has often said things to upset me. She does love my children, but we just don't seem to be able to see eye-to-eye. We have different approaches to life: I like things to be in order, and for everything to be accounted for, whereas she is more lively and isn't always so interested in the practical side of things.

I get so angry with her, I find her so irritating, it's affecting my marriage in a very bad way.

Do you think it is fair to lay the blame on her?

OP posts:
MaloryIsCrossWithJohnnie · 08/07/2008 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenelizabeth · 08/07/2008 20:00

Well, nobody has to give you money. So strike that one from your list straight away.

next. She is very different from you, and you dislike her, so far same old same old, but in what practical ways has this caused conflict between you and your husband.

Is she always forcing him to take HER side?? Or are you simply SICK of the sight of her andhe finds your attitude upsetting?

explain a bit more please.

FabioTheWhisperingCat · 08/07/2008 20:01

YANBU

Shoot her immediately.

spicemonster · 08/07/2008 20:01

I think it's a bit odd that your first criticism is about the fact that she doesn't contribute financially to your family. Are you supposed to do that to be deemed a good MIL?

And no, I don't think you can blame anyone except you and your husband for the breakdown of your marriage - other people might be contributing factors but it's up to you to make it work (or not)

tissy · 08/07/2008 20:02

I thought the same thing, Malory, and have checked, she's posted loads!

RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:02

TBH, these don't sound like dealbreakers to me

i am sorry if your marriage is being affected but perhaps you need to look at your behaviours, your reactions to her and then take things from there

am not sure about the money thing - but money often seems a cause of tensions in some families

greenelizabeth · 08/07/2008 20:02

ha ha, and if there are bullets left in the gun shoot my x mil!

fuzzywuzzy · 08/07/2008 20:02

Not many DIL and MIL's do see eye to eye on things, and her money is hers to do with as she pleases, if that means she doesn't want to spend it on you, then it's totally down to her.

There are loads of Mners with MIL's who are actively vicious towards them, unless you MIL has actively tried to break up your marriage your marital problems aren't her fault just because you dont like her.

RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:02

oh, and a LOVING grandma is PRICELESS

posieflump · 08/07/2008 20:03

I don't think you can blame her
You can blame your dp for letting him influence your lives
And you can blame yourself for letting all her crap get to you
But she's not responsible for her son's marriage imo

scottishmum007 · 08/07/2008 20:05

wow that could almost be me talking about my own MIL!! I can't stand my PIL. They are so snooty.
Try not to blame them for the marriage breakdown though (well, not entirely). Our 1st year of marriage was the hardest because DH's parents were pokng their nose in and we nearly had the marriage annulled (so in a way inlaws can ruin a marriage).
Have a look at all the problems, not just to do with the inlaws.

TeaDr1nker · 08/07/2008 20:05

She affects you because you let her - and why should she give you money???? That is one thing i don't understand. How is DH? Does he take her side or yours? HAve you talked to her, do you have to have contact with her?

shatteredmumsrus · 08/07/2008 20:07

Why mention the money? Do you all live together and have to contribute to bills,food etc? Otherwise what has money got to do with it?

scottishmum007 · 08/07/2008 20:08

i imagine she means that her mil doesn't contribute the same way that her own mum does. in terms of gifts or things for the kids.

yvonnek · 08/07/2008 20:09

marriage is between 2 people.

it's still down to you or you dh if mil gets involved.

if you don't tell her she's affecting your relationship then its still your faultif she is.

does that make any sense?? think i've confused myself

RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:09

there is something that really gets my goat, and that is they way some people judge and measure love by how BIG presents and gifts are and how much is spent

it really doesn't work like that

sleepycat · 08/07/2008 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babytime · 08/07/2008 20:10

its a troll - someones bored!

beaniesteve · 08/07/2008 20:11

When you say the practical things, what do you mean? A lively loving MIL/Grandma sonds lovely.

RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:12

not a troll - someone who likes the AIBU threads though

i agree beanie - a lively granny is brill

elmoandella · 08/07/2008 20:13

rubyslippers,

sometimes the bast and thoughful presents are the free/cheap/homemade ones.

Hecate · 08/07/2008 20:13

No. It's not fair to blame her.

Perhaps you should tell her she is supposed to purchase family time.

Original poster
bunchoflowers · 08/07/2008 20:13

What is a troll? I don't understand.

I think I just wanted clarification if it is ever reasonable to blame your MIL for the breakdown of your marriage, that's all. Please dont' all hate me!!

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:16

totally agree Elmo

RubySlippers · 08/07/2008 20:17

no, it is not reasonable to blame your MIL

if you are having such serious marriage issues, then i suggest somewhere like RELATE

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