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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

soon to be ex-h, making life difficult.who is BU?

48 replies

cagey · 07/07/2008 13:49

have name changed as he may lurk here and don't want to give him ammo.

anyway the long and short of it is that we have ended it and he refuses to leave the house even though he knows i can't afford anywhere else right now.
i have tried everything, even changing the locks, but he simply kicked a panel of the back door through and let himself back in when i was out (tbf he did fix the panel as well)

so aibu to expect him to leave?i mean why would he stay in a house with someone who he is about to divorce?
what can i do to make him leave?
or aibu and he is perfectly entitled to remain in his house just as much as i am.

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/07/2008 13:51

who wons the house

do you rent

what names is the house in?

phone shelterhere
0808 800 4444

theinsider · 07/07/2008 13:53

I've no idea personally but think you need to speak to a solicitor quickly. Have you got one for a divorce (were you married?)? What about children?

Original poster
cagey · 07/07/2008 14:00

we have two kids together. and have paid a 50/50 split on everything to do with the house. deposit/mortgage/tax issues etc.

there is no history of abuse/violence so i doubt i could get a restraining order or anything like that.

i have a lawyer but she is away on holiday this week as it is the very early stages of proceedings and she is doing it as a huge favour to me i insisted that she went on the holiday she had arranged long before i contacted her.
rather stupidlly/naievely i just assumed he would leave as he is the man so didn't think to ask her advice at our meeting before she left.
i keep pleading with him to leave but his response is always along the lines of "this is just as much my house s it is yours why in the hell should i leave.because i'm a man?"
and the only answers i can seem to think of are "yes" and "because i want you to". but i obviously won't give him the satisfaction of saying that out loud.
so was hoping i'd get some advice here while my lawyer is away.

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/07/2008 14:09

so you own the house?

still ring shelter and ask advice

WilfSell · 07/07/2008 14:14

Not a lawyer but I would say, given you own the house 50/50, you did the wrong thing by changing the locks. He is actually right to say he does have as much right to be there as you. Even if you can't afford anywhere else right now, you can't assume the house will end up yours or that he should go.

Given you have already acted unreasonably, I suspect - until you can see a lwayer or mediator - you need to come to a holding arrangement. Ask him how you can manage to live civilly together until you can sort it out? One of you rent, but both pay contributions for this?

Original poster
cagey · 07/07/2008 14:15

well yes. we own it jointly.
will do thanks.

OP posts:
Cosette · 07/07/2008 14:17

The house is marital property and as such yes, he does have as much right as you do to be in it. If you change the locks, he's perfectly entitled to break in, change them back and repair the damage (as you would if you mislaid the keys).

As you go through the divorce you will come to a financial settlement, which may, or may not end up with you keeping the house. So at the moment, there is nothing you can do.

Your best bet is to agree some house rules - ie can you arrange to have a room each - have DCs sharing if they're not already, and agree some basic boundaries.

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 14:25

I think he has as much right to stay as you do at the moment. Changing the locks may well have been illegal.

Not knowing the circumstances of your split means it's difficult to judge. If you agreed to split mutually then can you not agree what to do with the property mutually, maybe sell it and both buy or rent your own, or live together until you are able to buy him out of his share?

nametaken · 07/07/2008 14:27

YABU - you say you can't afford to live anywhere else so I expect that means he can't afford to live anywhere else. Why should he leave his home just because you've decided you don't want to be married with him anymore?

I think you are in for a long tough time of it TBH - it's gonna be really stressful living there together and going through a divorce.

Your only realistic option is either to put up with it or do what most of my friends do which is to provoke him so severely he actually hits you. Then you call the police and you can have him arrested and kept away from the family home. I know it's not nice being hit but according to a couple of my friends in the long run it is a lot less stressful than living with someone until the divorce comes through.

theinsider · 07/07/2008 14:30

nametaken - that's appalling behaviour from your friends. If it was just one I'd still think but "most" of your friends?

Do you really think that's one of only two "realistic options"? The other being "put up with it".

bruxeur · 07/07/2008 14:33

Christ, that's the kind of thing that can almost make me feel sorry for those FFJ twats.

FAQ · 07/07/2008 14:34

is there no way he could get a house share?

That's what my H did when we split up - initially he was going to stay here until he had managed to rearrange his finances so he could afford the deposit etc on a place on his own (to rent) but I told him to get out one night - so 1 1/2 weeks later he moved into house share. It's not ideal, as he can't have the DS's very often overnight, but it meant he was out.

NotDoingTheHousework · 07/07/2008 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nametaken · 07/07/2008 14:38

Yes, most of my friends, well out of 5 that are divorced/split, 4 of them have done this. Although one of the men was violent to begin with anyway.

Fuck em, I say, if they can't control their tempers they deserve everything they get.

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 14:39

"Your only realistic option is either to put up with it or do what most of my friends do which is to provoke him so severely he actually hits you. Then you call the police and you can have him arrested and kept away from the family home. I know it's not nice being hit but according to a couple of my friends in the long run it is a lot less stressful than living with someone until the divorce comes through"

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY KIDDING ME!!!?

I lived with an ex for 10 months while We tried to sell our house. Both of us were very unhappy and neither of us enjoyed it but it had to be done. I can not believe anyone would condone this kind of action. You are a disgrace to even suggest it.

bruxeur · 07/07/2008 14:40

nametaken - so if I was to follow you around your own house, calling you fat, worthless, an unfit mother, weak, pathetic, no use to anyone...

...for days and days until you slapped me...

...and then you were kicked out of your own house - that would be you deserving everything you get?

mum2taylor · 07/07/2008 14:40

Nametaken....apart from the fact that there are likely to be many women on this forum who have experienced domestic violence first hand and who know who distressing it is...this couple have kids together, how would the op explain that one to the kids!

FAQ · 07/07/2008 14:40

nametaken - don't you ever wonder how the other 4 managed to "provoke" their (previously unviolent) ex's to an extent they hit them??

Christ H and I had some massive rows during our marriage, some of them (I'm ashamed to admit) I ended up slapping/hitting him.......he never once retaliated, reckon I would probably have had to take a knife to him to get a reaction such as your friends managed.

nametaken · 07/07/2008 14:42

oh OK maybe not such a good idea I admit, was just offering a possible alternative to 2 years of grief and stress

theinsider · 07/07/2008 14:42

It's not a case of being unable to control their tempers. They were deliberately goaded and the women weren't going to stop until they had hit them.

It is quite likely that even the mildest-mannered people can be provoked severely enough to violence if that is the intention of the goader.

I am disgusted. This kind of behaviour does very little for gender-relations.

And I'm not even going to mention the effect on children seeing that a) daddy hit mummy and b) how mummy deals with her problems...

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 14:42

Nametaken. you and your friends are disgraceful and you are doing so much damage. What about the people who live with genuine domestic violence? I pity any man who gets involved with you and your friends.

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 14:45

NAmetaken - it is not a good idea for many many reasons, not least that with police involvement for domestic violence which has been created deliberately there could be a huge impact upon the children involved. No wonder there are so many angry men out there when people like those you call your friends are behaving like this. Jesus this has upset and angered me so much!

Original poster
cagey · 07/07/2008 14:47

"do what most of my friends do which is to provoke him so severely he actually hits you?"

jesus do people you know actually do this?and i don't think that these men "can't control their tempers they deserve everything they get."
if they are being provoked with the sole aim of getting them to hit someone.i mean if you are willing to go to any lengths to get a reaction then eventually you will get one.and i'm not someone who believes a man should never hit a woman.i think hitting anyone is inexcusable but would not defend those who provoke others to violence.

he seems reluctant to move out as he says he has no problems living in the same house as me. and tbf (unless he is a really good actor) he is showing no signs of it being a problem.he comes home from work, plays with the kids and then watchs tv/plays on his ps3 in a different room to whatever room i'm watching telly on or goes out with his mates.
so it's hard to know if he is doing it out of spite/principal/he believes if i'm the one who wants to live alone i should move.

OP posts:
nametaken · 07/07/2008 14:47

oh don't get sidetracked. I've already said it's not such a good idea.

Now, have you got any genuine helpful advice for the OP

FAQ · 07/07/2008 14:51

sorry nametaken - but if someone comes out with a comment like yours I think being sidetracked is a pretty normal reaction.......

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