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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

soon to be ex-h, making life difficult.who is BU?

48 replies

cagey · 07/07/2008 13:49

have name changed as he may lurk here and don't want to give him ammo.

anyway the long and short of it is that we have ended it and he refuses to leave the house even though he knows i can't afford anywhere else right now.
i have tried everything, even changing the locks, but he simply kicked a panel of the back door through and let himself back in when i was out (tbf he did fix the panel as well)

so aibu to expect him to leave?i mean why would he stay in a house with someone who he is about to divorce?
what can i do to make him leave?
or aibu and he is perfectly entitled to remain in his house just as much as i am.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 14:51

Yes - I gave genuine helpful advice up there. Want more...

when I lived with my ex I moved into a spare room. At first I attempted to look after him as I had done before (It was my decision to split) and tried to keep being his friend. However this was very hard for him as he didn't want to split.

In this case is he happy about the split or do you think he is hoping that you'll drift back together again?

My advice whatever the case would be to start moving things forward legally. I know your solicitor is away but you need to get to see her/him as soon as possible. Maybe get the hiuse valued so you have an idea about what equity you will have if you end up selling the house.

Apart from that, because you share everything equally I would say you may have to keep doing so for some time to come.

bruxeur · 07/07/2008 14:52

Well, you originally presented it as a "realistic option" which your friends found worked really well - it only stopped being a good idea when you called on it being appalling behaviour.

bruxeur · 07/07/2008 14:53

That to nametaken, obv...

OurHamsterisevil · 07/07/2008 15:00

Surely you can say the reason you don't want to move out is to not disrupt the kids and obviously you want them to stay with you.

Original poster

cagey · 07/07/2008 15:00

no advice has been good.will call up some of the advice phone-lines later.
i can see now that i may have BU in expecting him to move out.
he doesn't seem to want to reunite and neither do i. infact i have a sneaky suspicion he is going on a date later in the week.
just needed to see if this was unusual as i just assumed the man would leave ( i know not very feminist of me but sometimes my equality radar drops when i want something to be like it used to be).
good to know that at least my situation is not unique and others have gone through the same.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 15:01

Ourhamsterisevil: surely he can say the same...

FAQ · 07/07/2008 15:01

FWIW - we lived together for 2 months after it was evident our marriage was over - he moved into the spare room.

Original poster

cagey · 07/07/2008 15:04

i'd imagine he would say exactly the same though. i mean we both work so child minding is fairly evenly split. and he plays with them and puts them to bed every night so his absence would surely disrupt them just as much as if i was not there and he cooked dinner instead of me. and he will not accept me playing the "motherhood card" in our attempts to resolve it between ourselves as he says "he is just as much a parent as me" and while i fully intend to utilise my position as mother in court for custody i can't come up with any logical reason why motherhood trumps fatherhood in terms of parenting when both children are no longer babiesand our parental duties are as close to 50/50 as can be.

OP posts:

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/07/2008 15:13

If it's going to be along haul I would be trying to keep it as amicable as possible. For your sakes, your children's, and to save as much money as possible. I would apologise to him for changing the locks and sit down and talk about how you can live in the same house in a friendly manner until the legal stuff is rolling.

jammi · 07/07/2008 15:14

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Hecate · 07/07/2008 15:15

Whoever gets custody can live in the house until the kids hit 18, then it has to be sold and split. I think that's the way it works.

Until that's ordered, he does have as much right as her to live there.

Hecate · 07/07/2008 15:15

her? I meant you, OP!

jammi · 07/07/2008 15:16

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jammi · 07/07/2008 15:17

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madamez · 07/07/2008 15:20

Why is it so essential that one of you moves out, anyway? If the house is big enough for you to have separate rooms, and you can agree on a division of domestic work etc (and there is no violence) why not just live in the same home in a civil fashion, with the understanding that you can both date if you wish to.

jammi · 07/07/2008 15:21

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

cagey · 07/07/2008 15:23

can i ask about the following -
"i fully intend to utilise my position as mother in court for custody i can't come up with any logical reason why motherhood trumps fatherhood in terms of parenting when both children are no longer babiesand our parental duties are as close to 50/50 as can be."

quite simply (and it is probably very selfish) i don't think i could stand to be apart from them and would hate the idea of not living in this house with my children so i will use any tactic i can to get a better deal, for want of a more appropriate phrase.
hopefully as time goes by i will be able to be more amicable as logically joint custody would be the fairest as he is just as much a parent as i am and it would be punishing him by virtue of his sex.
at the moment though he seems to be taking all this in his stride. at the time ending it seemed such a big decision but he seems to have just accepted it and got on with his lot.while i feel stuck in limbo. i suppose everyone deals with these things differently.

OP posts:

jammi · 07/07/2008 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

cagey · 07/07/2008 15:33

no it's fair enough.
and hopefully bar the lock changing incident all has been normal enough.
i'm more using this as a sounding board/vent so that it doesn't come out in rl.
seeing as me and him aren't really talking that often i certainly don't want our main communication to be fighting so if i let it out on here i keep my dignity.
and as i said before, i'd imagine as time passes i will do the sensible thing.right now though it is therapeutic to imagine that i am in control and he is the one facing losses, obviously i do not want this to become the reality.for now it is a coping mechanism.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 15:33

Jammi Said "looking back i was extremely heartless during that year"

you know, this really struck a chord with me. I didn't move out and me and my ex had 10 months of hell during which I kind of had to grow a heart of steel. At the time it was bloody awful and we seemed to lurch from one shit day to another. At times we were able to get on, but most of teh time it was hard on us both particularly as I had started another relatioship.

Cagey - I don't envy your situation at all but you will come out the other end of all of this feeling so much better.

jammi · 07/07/2008 15:37

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Message withdrawn

Cosette · 07/07/2008 15:55

if you think that you won't be able to agree custody arrangements amicably between you, and that it may go to court, then you should look very carefully at how much you do with the children and look to maximise your time with them.

If things get difficult then it may come down to who is deemed to be the main carer - which could include things like who does the school run, who attends school events, arranges activities and friends over for tea.

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/07/2008 19:22

I think that to avoid things getting nasty it is worth remembering that as you couldn't bear to be parted from your children, as their father, do you not think that he might feel the same? DO not make the mistake of thinking he cares less for them because he is a man and therefore should not be able to stay in the house.

Please try and keep things friendly, for the sake of the children and yourselves. As a child I was dragged through a vicious less than amicable divorce and it has stayed with me in terms of parental relationships.

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