Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in considering buying a drugs test kit off the internet for DH?

37 replies

Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:25

He was smoking weed and after a massive row agreed to stop.

I do believe he has stopped, the change in him is unbelievable but AIBU to get a few tests in and ask him to take them?

If he is not smoking he has nothing to worry about.

I know its all about 'trust' but I have been through this before where he said he was stopping and carried on for 8 months behind my back

This time I kicked him out though and very publicly made a huge fuss and so I do think he has stopped.

But this would just confirm it 100% wouldn't it?

OP posts:
mankymummy · 07/07/2008 10:27

personally if he has made a big effort to stop and you are pretty convinced he has, his behaviour has changed etc. I'd find it pretty insulting to ask him to do a test.

IMHO of course...

KatieDD · 07/07/2008 10:27

Er don't go there, really.

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:28

I know that but its very hard for me to believe him 100% when he did that to me last time

OP posts:
flubdub · 07/07/2008 10:28

oh i know how you feel.
Have had the same problem with my dp re weed.
Does he smoke it a lot? my dp went from about 10 joints a day, to one at night, so shouldnt complain. hes assured me he will never stop.
would he do the test?
it might make him feel a bit harrassed iyswim.
i think you'll get lots of different views on this tbh.

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:30

He was smoking a good few times a week.

My BIL who he was smoking with has also given up.

Hes been off it about 2 weeks now.

I do desperately want to believe him but there will always be a little niggle.

I guess I just have to get over that.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 07/07/2008 10:30

didnt you realise he's started again last time though?

wouldnt you notice the symptoms this time?

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:31

I never noticed anything

Im very naive I guess

OP posts:
BetteNoire · 07/07/2008 10:32

I think you need to be able to trust him.
You say that you think he has stopped, and the change in him is unbelievable.
Is there anything that makes you think he has started again?

He needs to want to give up for himself, not just because he's worried that you'll spring a drugs test on him.
I think it would be better to talk to him about how well you think he's done so far, and ask how he's coping with not smoking.

I'd go at it from a positive angle, rather than a suspicious one, I think.

laidbackinengland · 07/07/2008 10:32

Cannabis usually stays in the system for approximately 28 days so even if he stopped two weeks ago - most tests would still show a positive.

beaniesteve · 07/07/2008 10:32

What ARE the symptoms?

aDad · 07/07/2008 10:33

Agree with mankymummy: He says he has stopped, you believe he has stopped, "the change in him is unbelievable". etc

Time to trust him then isn't it?

macwoozy · 07/07/2008 10:33

You can't expect him to do a drugs test, you've just got to trust him this time.

Anyway I think weed stays in your system for a few months.

flubdub · 07/07/2008 10:33

how many times is a few times a week?
three? four?
was it a proper session? or just one joint?

mankymummy · 07/07/2008 10:34

why do you want him to stop?

dont get me wrong i dont agree with smoking dope but if he's been smoking it before but it affected you so little that you didnt even notice he was smoking it, I'm curious as to why you are so determined you want him to stop and are even considering random testing on him !

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:35

I don't know Flub, I don't want to know. I just know I caught him one time and he admitted everytime BIL had been around they had been doing it.

In the daytime, on holiday, getting up at 6am to smoke ect...

I never asked how many joints a day or whatever.

It makes me sick and angry to think about it too much TBH

OP posts:
Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:36

manky he is on depression tablets, a high dose, and its very dangerous on the tablets he is on.

He had become ageressive and angry constantly.

Since he has stopped he has gone back to his old self again

OP posts:
flubdub · 07/07/2008 10:39

I dont really know what to say. It affects different people differently. You cant tell when dp has been smoking it.
Some people go crazy off it!!
tbh, like someone else said, if you couldnt even tell when hes been smoking it, it may not be such a bad thing?
i dont agree with weed either tbh,but you may regret badgering him about it, or springing drugs tests on him. I badgered dp about stopping, and it just made him more secretive, so i stopped. Although, dp has used all the drugs known to man in the past, and i just didnt want it spiralling.

mankymummy · 07/07/2008 10:42

well if he's no longer aggressive and angry then I think you have your answer without the need to knock what he's achieved by asking him to do a test...

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:42

But I didn't notice blurry eyes or anything but his PERSONALITY changed immensely .. I thought it was the depression drugs he was on

But now he has stopped smoking he doesnt behave that way anymore

so its did affect him, it made him horrible

I just didnt realise it was weed, i thought it was his anti-D's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:44

Yes, I suppose so.

I'll just have to trust him again and hope he doesn't betray me again.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 07/07/2008 10:50

you cant make him stay clean. he has to want to. and you can leave if he does not. Make sure the consequences if deceiving you are clearly spelt out, and then try to forget about it. You will find out if he is using again

I know exactly how you feel. My dh is now clean ( 10 months) after giving up weed. he is a different person. it took the los of his marriage, children , home, job, friends and all self respect before he gave up

hes ok now tho'

good luck

lst

mankymummy · 07/07/2008 10:52

i'm sure he doesnt mean to "betray" you, dope is very, very addictive and if hes having other emotional problems too it must be extremely difficult to give up...

i know you are encouraging him to stop for all the right reasons but maybe a bit of positivity, congratulation etc. might be better than suspicion.

i have been there with my ex so i know what you are facing...

Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:53

tahnks LST. Thats exactly what I told him, he would loose everything.

And I think that got through to him aswell.

I guess its just my own insecurities rather than truely not trusting him.
In my heart I do know he has stopped, its just a niggling worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Litterbug · 07/07/2008 10:53

manky I have told him LOTS that I am proud of him, that I can see the difference, that things are so much better ect...

OP posts:
flubdub · 07/07/2008 10:57

Take Lemonstartress advice. she knows what shes on about

Swipe left for the next trending thread