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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a friend to remember I have a child?!

52 replies

susia · 07/07/2008 00:17

Hi
I have a friend coming to stay with me for the weekend for the first time in five years.

I am a single parent of a four and a half year old.

My friend and I used to know each other when we were both single, living in London and occasionally went for horse riding weekends.

Anyway this weekend she is staying and meeting my son for the first time. She just texted me and asked if I still went horseriding and if I did would I fancy spending Sunday riding with her?

I find this really odd, either she expects me to find a babysitter for the day - when I would always spend Sunday with him and couldn't possibly afford it even if I wanted to (which I don't) or she expects a four year old to be profficient at riding (he has never been and I haven't since I had him).

I presume her idea wasn't walking him around and holding him onto a horse while we walked?!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:18

btw she doesn't have children obviously!

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mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:21

She's single and probably doesn't realise you want to spend the day with your son or how difficult it might be to find a babysitter.

I never ever thought abput these sort of things till I had dd.

Let her know you want to spend the day with your ds and suggest something you can all do together, it sounds like she wants to have fun with you so she probably be happy with what ever you suggest

Tortington · 07/07/2008 00:23

maybe as unthoughtful as she is being - you are also being?

sounds harsh, don't mean it to be.

maybe she thought that you would have made some arrangements to spend time wth her as she is coming to stay with you.

also yesi think YABU to expect childless people to think of others - they don't! tough sit get over it

love and peace

mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:23

I didn't mean single, I meant she doesn't have children, sorry its late!

thumbwitch · 07/07/2008 00:23

if she hasn't seen you for 5 years and you haven't kept in touch that often, she is probably defaulting to the thing that you most had in common without considering the extra ramifications involved in you having a child. As Molly said, people who don't have kids very rarely think about the impact that said kids have on social lives.

colditz · 07/07/2008 00:24

People without children live on a different planet. This has mainly been caused by TV Babies - a common Tellylie.

TV Babies are only in the scene when the plot directly includes them. If they are not involved directly, they are Elsewhere.

This leads to assumptions of the general childless public that children who are not required at a specific time or in a specific place can also Go Elsewhere.

It can be quite a long standing and insiduous belief, held even by those who shun Eastenders and Sex In The City. There are a few childless adults who are enlightened as to the non-existence of Elsewhere, but sadly they are few and far between.

Which brings us back to your friend.

She remembers you have a child, but when she played out the horseriding scene in her head, the child was not in it. He was Elsewhere. You may have to explain to her that Elsewhere is a Tellylie. She may question this at first, and become quite irrational ("But he can watch, where could he wander off to?" "Won't your mother have him?") but if you are persistant it may eventually sink in that Elsewhere for single parents' children is just a Tellylie.

RambleOn · 07/07/2008 00:25

This is the kind of thing that I would have done before having a DC of my own.

Sounds great fun though, could you not go for a short ride with her, rather than an all-dayer?

mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:25

Agree with custardo about childless people.

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:26

well babysitters that I know round here are £5 per hour - the nearest riding is about an hour away so that would cost me about £20! most of my food budget for the week!!!I also don't know any apart from ones that babysit in the evenings.

plus I work, so really wouldn't consider asking someone else to look after him at the weekend. He likes to be with me and visa versa.

I do realise that people without children don't know what it is like but I had expected she would have wanted to spend the weekend with both of us.

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colditz · 07/07/2008 00:27

Women without children generally don't like children, they especially don't like boys. Sorry but I know from experience.

mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:29

I dont honestly believe she meant any harm susia, txt her back and suggest something with all three of you. It'll probably click about your ds then, dont take offence because I really dont think she meant to cause any.

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:29

I know before I had a child I was clueless too, my parents are in their 70's and help when I really need it but I don't consider that to be a real need to be honest!

I don't tend to ask other people unless I have to partly because we like to spend time with each other and partly because it is a big favour.

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RambleOn · 07/07/2008 00:29

She might have thought that your DS would be able to go with you.

mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:31

I agree RambleOn

RambleOn · 07/07/2008 00:32

Could he? Ride with you that is. On your horse I mean?

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:33

I did text her back asking if she meant with or without him. I said I couldn't leave him and he was too young for riding (unattended)

Suggested a concert at the zoo with some other families I know instead.

I haven't heard back.

I am not really annoyed - just a bit surprised.

I remember a similar incident with a friend without children who suggested a hike on the quantocks when my son was 18months old. I said I couldn't carry him and she said he should be able to walk the distance! (he only learnt to walk at 15 months)

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thumbwitch · 07/07/2008 00:33

Colditz - LOL at your tellylie post - it's so true! DH and I always comment on it when watching (shh ) Eastenders - where does Oscar get to? How does that Tania find the time to have 2 lovers, nearly murder her revolting husband, run a salon and have this baby?!

This would DEFINITELY cause misleading ideas in the child-free as to how un-free the rest of us are

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:35

no she didn't mean ride with me...we used to do long 3 hour treks. He hasn't even been on a horse before and I'm sure the riding stable wouldn't allow it.

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colditz · 07/07/2008 00:37

Susia, she's just being clueless. How often did you think about other people's children before you had them?

I used to get huffy with my friend if she didn't text back straight away. She had a 5 month old baby FFS

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:38

its true where is Oscar, Dawn's baby and Ian's baby...they are never there, nobody mentions nursery, babysitters etc...!

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colditz · 07/07/2008 00:39

They are Elsewhere.

mollysawally · 07/07/2008 00:40

Dont read anything into not hearing back yet, could be any number of reasons why that is.
Try not to get worked up or angry until you know for sure that she does have a problem with spending time with ds.
Wait till you hear back and then judge from the reply.

LOL about Oscar thumbwitch, SO true! and where was Summer all that time till May turned up again!

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:40

I was just as clueless and I agree that other people's children when you don't have them can be a hindrance and annoying.

I remember (when I was quite young) asking a friend with a month old baby if she wanted to go for a drink at 10.30 at night!

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RambleOn · 07/07/2008 00:40

I used to get huffy when I went round to my friends for coffee and she had no milk in. I used to think 'FGS, she knew I was coming, she could have nipped out and got some'

She had two DCs under two. Now I realise that with DCs, you don't 'nip' anywhere.

Original poster
susia · 07/07/2008 00:42

no I'm not worried about not hearing back and I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm not annoyed just a bit surprised. We lead different lives now and I understand that but thought she would have thought it through a bit more.

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