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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIMBU to uninvite a so called friend to my wedding???

37 replies

benbon · 05/07/2008 21:59

ok this is a long post,

i have a so called friend that is so unreliable will only do things if they benefit her for example if she arranges a night out she will go but if anyone else arranges the night she will say she cant go then go out the night before.
we all try to arrange girls nights for birthdays with a meal at the chinese and she will (if were lucky) come out to the pub after accept drinks from us but never buy one in return.

another major thing she did is when one of our friends moved back in october last year she said she would buy her fridge freezer, she never gave her a penny always told friend she was skint then would proceed to buy herself new shoes or dvd's we only managed to get her to pay the money was to tell her that myself and my partner had brought the debt from our friend (so that she could buy the kids essentials).

said friend then paid us back within 1 week whilst she had been fobbing of our other friend for over 6 months.

she also told us that she couldnt afford to come on my hen do then booked a holiday to medira for the weekend before my hen do.

today was my childs birthday party so i paid for all children and brought party bags and she didnt turn up.

so ive just sent her a message saying that it would of been nice to know she wasnt coming then i could of saved myself some money. i also said as i cannot affor to lose £80 if she doesnt turn up to the wedding perhaps it would be better if her and her partner just came to the evening.

to which she has just replied that i should understand that she is a single mother, and that they wont come to the wedding at all and to use the money ill save to buy ourselves a drink...

i replied saying that i understand that she has money troubles but that she is not the only one

she has replied saying my arrogance is amazing and that they are not coming to my wedding and i can take that as a definate...

so AIBU?

sorry that is so long

OP posts:

greenelizabeth · 05/07/2008 22:01

I don't think you need to uninvite her. She's not going.

If you grudge her the £1.30 that it takes to cobble together a party bag, then I think the message has been conveyed quite successfuly already.

You can cross her off your christmas card list now.

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:03

i wish they only cost £1.30 i went out with each child in mind and brought gift bags and filled with things i thought each child would like...

OP posts:

ladymariner · 05/07/2008 22:04

Why haven't you spoken to her about this before now, if she was such a good friend. I'd have been more annoyed that she couldn't be bothered to turn up forthe party than the cost of a party bag, tbh!

pinkyp · 05/07/2008 22:06

Your problems with her have been building up for a while and you seem to have had enough and had a go at her for it all BUT - She will prob think you've just had a go at not coming to the party - she might of felt bad she couldnt afford a gift or just not wanted to go.

You don't seem to like her very much and she isnt coming so u dont need to uninvite her.
Its a shame you've lost a friend - i'm sure there must of been some good times too?

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:06

im really not annoyed about the cost of the party bag... im annoyed about the fact she doesnt seem to think it matters to have manners if she had of let me know i really wouldnt of minded.

OP posts:

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:08

yeah today was the straw that broke the camels back. i just feel that friends shouldnt stab you in the back like that.

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 05/07/2008 22:08

tbh, it doesn't sound like you like her very much anyway, and she seems to feel the same way when she doesn't bother to turn up/ explain why she is not coming to all these events. Might be best just to let the friendship die a natural death?

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:09

yeah its a shame though.

OP posts:

mazzystar · 05/07/2008 22:11

yep yabu

she sounds like a self-centred flake
but you let friends off that kind of stuff, condone it or no

your text message to her was very very aggressive [in a not so passive kind of way], i am not surprised that she has reacted as she has

ladymariner · 05/07/2008 22:12

I agree with you, tbh, I'd have been really annoyed if she'd let me down like that. However, you do sound to have been getting really fed-up about her and this was the last straw. Did she have any idea how you were feeling? If not then she probably feels you were overeacting, esp as you mentioned the cost of the wedding as the reason for uninviting her.
I really do see how you feel but I'm not sure she will, if this is the first time you've mentioned to her how you feel.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 05/07/2008 22:12

Have you been friends for a long time? Sometimes I think we hang onto friendships that we don't want to admit have passed their best, just because of how it used to be. Do you actually get anything out of your friendship with this person nowadays?

soopermum1 · 05/07/2008 22:13

if you hadn't mentioned all the previous history i would have said maybe you were being a bit unreasonable, you should have called her and found out the reason for non attendance. you kinda took the nuclear option in 1 text.

but, all else considered, sounds as though she wasn't going to come to your wedding anyway, so you've done yourself a favour by finding out now so you can rearrange places etc.

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:14

i think you have hit the nail on the head jooly i am also her sons godmother so the decision has not come lightly...

but i definately was not aggressive in my txts

OP posts:

blueskythinker · 05/07/2008 22:17

Well the message seems to have got through. I agree with Jooly. Sometimes it's good to have a clear out of friends once in a while, and focus on the people who's company you really enjoy and for whom you have mutual respect. It can be difficult though if they are part of a group of friends.

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:20

yeah there is a group of us but unfortunately she has done something now to all of us so we have decided to distance ourselves from her

OP posts:

greenelizabeth · 05/07/2008 22:22

Imagine what it costs to GO to a wedding though. To buy an outfit, to travel to the wedding, maybe stay over, buy your present...

That costs a lot more than a party bag.

She is a single mother and obviously does not have the money to spare. So, she went on holiday to Madeira. Well if she'd gone to your hen do she probably couldn't have afforded her own holiday. How much would your hen do have cost? Should she have spent her holiday budget on a holiday that revolves around you?

It's always sad to realise that you and a friend are parting company. But you sound insensitive to her lack of finances tbh, and you don't understand that she has a right to choose a holiday of her own, and then if she has any money left afterwards, to go on your hen holiday.

mazzystar · 05/07/2008 22:22

maybe not in tone, but - as another poster has said - saying you can't afford to lose £80 if she doesn't show up for the wedding is the nuclear option. it didn't give her any options.

i can understand you being disappointed and even a bit angry at her non-appearance at the party. i wouldn't blame you for never relying on her again - but if you have been close enough to be godmother to her child then i still reckon its unreasonable to terminate friendship in such a final and spectacular way

greenelizabeth · 05/07/2008 22:24

The point is, a wedding can bring the death of a friendship under the spotlight.

We can meet up with a friend we dn't value once in a blue moon, no skin off our nose, but do we really want to spend a fortune going to the wedding of somebody we have nothing in common wiht anymore?

Like the others say, let it go...

Heated · 05/07/2008 22:26

She would seriously irritate me.

If she were a fantastic friend in all other respects and I considered the friendship outweighed the negatives then I'd learn to 'manage' her foibles - i.e. make plans that weren't dependent on just her turning up - but still also say to her that's what you're having to do so she knows you consider her unreliable. But if I thought she was too much like hard work I would just let the friendship dwindle.

However, your text message, will have solved your problem. She ain't coming!

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:27

i dunno i think if she hadnt of reacted the way she did it wouldnt of come to this.

friends mean everything to me and i am very loyal to them

i suppose i will never get a true opinion because i cannot put on here all the ins and outs.

OP posts:

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:30

yep it is now over no need to worry anymore. i just also worry for her that when this new man is gont she wont have any friends left and she has upset and annoyed us all so much that noone is willing to have anything to do with her anymore.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 05/07/2008 22:32

I don't think you let friends get away with being flakey and unreliable at all.

Sounds like she may not have come to your wedding anyway and you'd've shelled out the catering cost for her.

She sounds like the sort of person who doesn't really understand or care about the effort other people make for special events.

It was she who said she wasn't coming to your wedding. You only wanted to find out if she was coming for sure. So, off she flounces in a self righteous huff and there you are, no bother from her anymore. It's quite neat really.

Happy wedding!

Original poster

benbon · 05/07/2008 22:35

thanks winky, thats what i wanted to hear. its only 2 weeks so its very exciting. she did only actually rsvp last week after i had to badger her the hotel wanted the final numbers afew weeks ago.. this just proves how difficult she is

OP posts:

charlie4 · 24/07/2008 02:09

What a shame I have only just come across this thread!
I have to say that I know benbon and the person in question.
Quite honestly I think that benbon has been very restraint in giving the details of this persons actions of late.
This women has treated all her friends like shit for the majority of the time that I have known her. I personally have NEVER classed her as a 'friend', but the rest of my friends have.
Benbon is a very honest , loyal person and one of the best friends that you could wish for.
She has put up with alot of shit from her, as we all have.
I don't know in what world a party bag costs £1.30, but, I do know that was NOT the reason that benbon came to the end of her teather with this women.
After reading the op, I can see that benbon has not filled you in on most of the thimgs that this women does to her ''friends'', so those of you that don't agree with her can feck off.!!!!

Original poster

benbon · 24/07/2008 15:24

thanks charlie, hows it going... missing me yet? i have brought you the best present in vegas... you'll love it

OP posts:

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