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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dp would not work away so soon after giving birth to twins?

33 replies

aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 19:53

i have a 22 month old and am due to give birth to twins in about 4 weeks dp works away as an electrician and usually works within the uk, but he has been offered a job in middle east (oman) in 5 weeks time.. . and he is actually going to go..... i give birth in 4 weeks ffs! he says he is going to try and delay them by a couple of weeks but considering that the babies probs will have to go to special care for a few weeks the likelyness is that he wont even see them home and if he does it wont be for long... amd i being unreasonable to think he could stay at home until i get over becoming a mum of 3 from a mum of 1??? so i am not speaking to him ( mature i know ) but i am so mad his responce to me not being happy was.... well we shouldnt have had kids then you knew my job could take me away!!!! FURIOUS!

am i right to be mad,, not just mad but terrified at the thought of being alone with 2 newborns and a toddler! x

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2008 19:55

Is he mad? What the hell is he thinking?

nickytwotimes · 04/07/2008 19:55

That is a scary thought.
He is perhaps really concerned about money now there will be more mouths to feed? Would it affect your financial position very badly if he stayed home? If so, could your Mum/sis/mil come to stay for a few weeks?

constancereader · 04/07/2008 19:58

He really needs to give up this idea.

Do you have financial issues? Will you really miss this money?

It seems a very odd decision to make, and very distressing for you.

rookiemater · 04/07/2008 20:03

OMG. YANBU. If you can't persuade him to change his mind then do you have any other options.

Do you have any relatives near by that can help ?
Can you hire a nanny or similar for the first few weeks ?

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 20:05

we are not in any money difficulties working at home gets us about 500 / 600 a week, this job get 500 a day!! wow i know fabulous but id rather not have the money and have him here! i am so upset!

mum is just across the road and i would have help but i want to be a family even if is just until we get into a routine!

this job is for 18 months and on a 5 on 5 off basis am i being ungrateful, im so close to giving birth anyway and been told it could be anytime now, ( hopefully they'll stay in there for 4 weeks) but he still insists to stay away working and has told me if i go in to labour he can be home in 6 hours??? i need him here now and when the babies come along!!

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 04/07/2008 20:10

If he can make a good living and be near you, then I think it is only right he should stay. It would be different if you needed the work desperately, but you need him far more!
Do you think he is 'running away' and is maybe really scared, especially if his 2 little babies need a bit extra care to start with?

yvonnek · 04/07/2008 20:11

YANBU

if you have no help he has to stay.

but if you have people who can help out.

you gotta tell him the choice is his.

otherwise if you ever argue about anything this is one of those things he'll cast up for years to come. that you forced him to stay.

he can use it in ammunitions in arguements for finance/parental responsibilities/etc,etc

you never know, if he's here to see them enter the world he will probably change his mind anyway as soon as he see's how difficult it is with 3 so close in age.

it's better for him to decide on his own accord to stay.

if he decides to go then you have ammunition against him for years to come . lol.

perfect excuse everytime for some you time away from the kids.

and also, . . . i am sure you would deserve a large present for being left on your own. specially if he's doing it for the cash

my friend was in a similar situation..

she managed to get a girlie spa wkd (guilt free as she had done her fair share) and an extra diamond on her engagement ring!

nametaken · 04/07/2008 20:12

aprilgirl as a mother of twins I'm stunned that your dh is even thinking of not being there when they arrive. YANBU - you are gonna need massess and massess of support. Suppose one of the babies has to be into SCBU for a while or something?

His kids, he needs to be there.

Oh, and how the f*ck can he be home from Oman in 6 hours? He knows perfectly well it'll take at least 2 days. Unless he's got a frickin tardis!

You gotta just tell him straight. Jeez what does he mean you shouldn't have had kids - THERE HIS KIDS TOO!

I feel like coming round and hitting him over the head with a frying pan - would you mind?

nametaken · 04/07/2008 20:14

yvonnek I disagree with you so much.

No amount of money in the world would make up for the fact that my kids didn't have a father present when they were born and I kind of guess the OP isn't that bothered about money either.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 20:15

i have just been speaking to my sil and thats what i said its like hes running away from his responsiblities... i said this to him he said... "your responsible for looking after the kids and im responsable for providing for us??"

i have a lovely little house and i havent been in it for days i am living with my mam and dad all i want is a normal life not to be on my own , i knew when we got together hed work away but that was well before kids came along i want a normal family,

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 04/07/2008 20:17

OMG what an inconsiderate bastard!

Mind you £500 per day would buy you a couple of maternity nannies who will be a lot more use to you imo, BUT I can TOTALLY see that you would rather have him there so you can be a family together.

5 weeks on and 5 weeks off doesn't sound so bad though really if it means he can afford to pay for you to have professional help while he's away.

nickytwotimes · 04/07/2008 20:20

april. yo uare feeling so alone.
You really need to have a hard talk with your dp.
Tell him what my friend says: Noone says on their death-bed "I wish I'd been at work more."
Work is important, but people -and particularly your family - are far, far more important, as you say.

OrmIrian · 04/07/2008 20:21

Oh I don't think he is inconsiderate. Just misguided and perhaps not aware of how much work the twins will make for you.

Maybe he is worried about your financial state once there are 5 of you. Perhaps this job will mean that he won't need to work for a while?

I don't think he should go but I wouldn't impute bad motives to his actions.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 20:22

no money means jack shit to me, honestly i dont just say that he looks well after us but money means nothing my view is as long as the bills are paid and we have food to eat we'll be fine!!

nametaken... hes in kent at mo, im north east! oman is in 5 weeks.. so if your near kent find the biggest frying pan in the worls and knock the Fu*** OUT!! ha ha!

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2008 20:22

There is no way I could do without my DH for 5 weeks at a time. If your present income is sufficient then what is the need for more money at this price? I could not forgive my DH if he did this to me.

BibiThree · 04/07/2008 20:23

If he doesn't think it's his job to be responsible for looking after his own children, will he be of any help to you anyway?

Sorry if that sounds mean, but if my dh said he was going to work away immediately after my twins were born (dd1 was 2y9m at the time) I'd have brained him.

It is tremendously hard work going from 1 to 3 children, mostly because of the extreme tiredness - I daresay it is possible on your own, but why would he want/expect you to cope with it alone? YANBU.

Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 20:25

yeah i suppose maybe i do feel lonely.... my mam and dad and a great help but i grew up with my dad being there always ( i have been lucky to have the most amazing father,) and i want my babies to have that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilgirl1 · 04/07/2008 20:26

what does yanbu stand for?

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 04/07/2008 20:28

men generally do feel that they must do these things to earn for the family
as you are expecting twins, he will feel that he needs to earn as much as possible for his growing family
my dh was on submarines when I had dd1
he didn't see her or even know the sex till she was 3 weeks old

sometimes you have to make tough choices

yvonnek · 04/07/2008 20:31

i agree with bibithree.

he's already agreed to postpone the job to see the arrival of the twins.

but if he's here after will he actually help.

i get the impression from you that he's one of these men who thinks his job is to bring home the bread and eat it.and that he thinks that your job is to do the nappies,feeding and bathing.

would you be running around after him and cooking cooking, cleaning for him??

or would he be hands on? help with feds and stuff, maybe make the dinner while you do baths?

TheProvincialLady · 04/07/2008 20:36

Yes that might be his idea of the situation but what is the OP's idea of her and her DH roles in the family? Because my DH could get it into his head that he is the big man breadwinner etc and I am the nappy slave but it wouldn't wash with me I;m afraid!

LiliAnjelika · 04/07/2008 20:40

YANBU. It nearly happened to me before my ds was born - my dp wanted to take a job in Mozambique. It was really well paid too. In the end he didn't take it - partly because he realised it would have actually threatened our relationship.

Also I suggest you price up all the extra help you'll need to make up for his absence - a maternity nurse for the first couple of weeks and a daily mother's help or nanny thereafter, not forgetting a twice weekly cleaner, and someone to do all the odd jobs he would usually do - garden etc. Show him that you'll be spending the money as fast as he can make it. He may change his mind!

yvonnek · 04/07/2008 20:40

that what i'm asking??

would he actually do anything though?

or just act like he was on holiday and in essence be another child to look after?

some men can be persuaded (or kicked in to touch) about this.

however, if he's stubborn and a "Man's Man" he may not be swayed into taking a modern approach.

some older, or men of other religions would even be insulted to be asked to do these "women's " chores

nametaken · 04/07/2008 20:41

YANBU - you are not being unreasonable

Do you mean 5 weeks on/5 weeks off or 5 days on/5 days off?

nametaken · 04/07/2008 20:44

YANBU - you are not being unreasonable

Do you mean 5 weeks on/5 weeks off or 5 days on/5 days off?