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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that my mother helps my sister out and not me even when I don't actually NEED help?

32 replies

Pollyanna · 03/07/2008 11:11

I am trying to understand how I feel about this and why I feel annoyed.

My sister and I and our mother all live in the same town. My mother doesn't work and is young and not at all infirm. My sister has one child - a one year old, I have 5 children aged from 12 weeks to 9 yo. I do have an ap to help me out 4 hours a day (from 3-7 usually), but my dh isn't here from 8am until after the children's bedtime. ds2 (12weeks) is up until 11pm usually, but I get the others to bed by 7.30 usually

I cope really well. I don't feel that I am struggling, and am really enjoying having a large family. But it is chaotic and very hard work,and I spend all my time doing child stuff, school runs, settling disputes, washing etc etc etc. It gets dull sometimes and is neverending.

My sister also seems to be able to cope really well. Her ds isn't difficult and although her dh is away with work quite alot, when he is here he is around more than my dh.

My mother is round at her house at least 3 times a week. She cleans for her, helps her to put her ds to bed when her dh isn't there, and looks after her ds once a week as she doesn't want to put her ds in nursery while she works.

She doesn't help me much at all. ~She takes dd2 to school once a week - but because she likes to spend time with her. She drops in maybe once a week for a coffee, but always leaves before school pick up time. I don't particularly ask her to help, but if she comes round she can see that I am busy and just sits there drinking tea!! (which sometimes she asks me to make!).

Frequently she babysits my nephew at my house! without asking me first - she is here now with him. She will leave as soon as he does.

Sorry this is long. I'm sure I just seem jealous - and perhaps I am (I don't know), but it just seems so unfair to me. Then again, perhaps I am being unreasonable as I don't need any help and perhaps my sister is struggling and I don't know.

I'm not sure why I've written this, but it has helped to get it off my chest anyway.

(and A, if you're reading - sorry I'm not offended, or upset by you, but genuinely puzzled by the imbalance and the reasons for it.).

OP posts:
giddly · 03/07/2008 11:18

You sound very competent and organised - maybe that makes her feel a bit redundant or inadequate? Maybe it's just that your sister asks for help. Whjat would happen if you asked her to do a few small jobs for you?

LadyOfWaffle · 03/07/2008 11:22

Does ap = au pair? She just probably genuinly doesn't think you need help and her sister probably has asked her, besides she comes round alot by the sounds of it. I think you are possibly maybe being a tiny bit unreasonable, but I don't know the ins and outs of it. I guess the point is would she help more if you asked and would she be OK about it?

blueskythinker · 03/07/2008 11:25

Families. Huh.

jammi · 03/07/2008 11:25

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Anna8888 · 03/07/2008 11:26

Maybe your mother feels more at ease in the smaller household of your sister?

I know that my mother admits she finds it much easier looking after my one DD than my sister's 3 children .

Anna8888 · 03/07/2008 11:29

I think what I'm saying is - may be your mother isn't motivated so much by helping your sister (though this is what she ends up doing) but actually rather enjoys the company of your sister and her DS? Whereas she might find the company of your four children plus au pair more stressful?

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 11:31

I think Anna may have a point.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 11:32

Agreeing with Anna twice in two days. No good can come of this...

Lazycow · 03/07/2008 11:32

Well possibly yout mother enjoys spending time with one child at a time and getting to know them. She may not want to spend her time doing the nerver-ending and often tedious (by your own admission) chores associated with a large family.

Also she probably sees you as coping and being efficient thus needing less help. Why not talk to your mother about it if you can manage it in a calm and non-accusing way.
You may find she is surprised to know you'd like help.

The reality is though helping you is always going to require more work than helping your sister. The logistics of having a large family ensure that. Your mother may not have the energy to help out every time she vists but I agree that a little bit of help might be nice.

She could start by making her own tea when she visits and maybe making you one too.

snickersnack · 03/07/2008 11:34

I think Anna might have a point. My mother is very helpful, but slightly less helpful now there I've got 2 - whereas before she'd not have thought twice about looking after my dd, she is now more reluctant because, I think, she finds it a more daunting prospect. Funnily enough, my MIL has gone the other way - she's a lot more willing to take them both than she ever was before. She claims they entertain each other, which makes things easier.

What's your relationship like with your mother? Could you sit her down and talk about it?

WilyWombat · 03/07/2008 11:36

My mum has always been the same with regard to me & my siblings...it used to bother me but tbh it just makes me laugh now.

Have you asked your Mum why she does this - perhaps because you have child care help and your sister doesnt? I have discussed it with my mum and I really dont think she was aware she was doing it...she does try harder now which is almost as painful...it shouldnt really be an effort should it.

The day will come when Mum is old and needs my help - I may just be busy!

BandofMothers · 03/07/2008 11:37

I thikn it is normal sibling jealousy.
I sometimes feel a little jealous when my mum is at my sisters house, even though she lives half an hour away and i live around the corner and see her much more often

At christmas this year, all my 3 siblings were stopping at my mums on xmas night and I had to come home at the girls bedtime and I was so jealous to be the only one that wasn't there for the evening stuff Silly, but there you are.

cat64 · 03/07/2008 11:43

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
Pollyanna · 03/07/2008 12:03

I agree with the comments made actually. I think she does find it more relaxing at my sisters, and also may not think I need help. But even allowing for an au pair, I still have more children per person.

I know that I am just being silly, and mostly it doesn't irritate me, but sometimes (like when my baby was a week old and dh had gone back to work and mum said she had to help my sister out 3 days that week) I do get upset by it.

There are lots of issues here - my sister is 11 years younger than me, and my mum definitely still views her as an incapable child - which probably annoys her too. Also my mum favours (I think) the grandchildren who are boys (including my 2 boys)and I have 3 girls.

I also agree that I don't actually ask for help, whereas dsis does, but I think that it is obvious that sometimes an extra pair of hands would be good. It also irritates me that she does the babysitting for my nephew at my house because I have to do extra while my mum just flaps around him.

grr

actually I think my mum can't win, because my bil gets annoyed with her being round at their house so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyanna · 03/07/2008 12:04

yes, cat, it would be nice if she just took one child - and the children would like that too as they are very close to her. I don't ever expect her to take any of my children away, let alone all 5 at once

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyanna · 03/07/2008 12:07

oh I also agree with Anna - she doesn't actually want to help my sister I think, she just does it because she enjoys it.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 03/07/2008 12:08

Can't you sit down and have a very open conversation about it? Say that you understand how much less stressful it must be for your mother at your sister's, but could you and your mother not try to think of a low-stress childcare solution she could offer you?

TheFallenMadonna · 03/07/2008 12:11

My DS has just spent the weekend at my mum's without his sister, and it was lovely for them both. DD will be going on her own later this month.

Could you suggest something similar to your mum re your DC? I know it's not help for you as such, but nice for the children.

micci25 · 03/07/2008 12:15

my sister and i have this problem. i have 2 dds one of which is very difficult and they are both very active. she has a dd a similar age to my dd1 and a ds a smililar age to me dd2 with another on the way. her dd is an angel but her ds is very clingy and active and can be very whingy! and both she and her partner work. i dont work but dp does shift work the same as her dp!

i get loads of help off my nan and my mum and i dont think there has been a day this week where i have had both of my dds with me all day long! i dont get help cleaning though niether does she.

the thing is i tell people that i could do with dd1 being taken out of my way for a while, while i get on with the housework and i tell people how difficult she is and how dp doesnt help much (hers doesnt either) but she just copes quietly and every one presumes that she either doesnt need or doesnt want help!

if you want your mums help you should ask. she might be staying away thinking that you dont need her anymore but your sister does!

ConnorTraceptive · 03/07/2008 12:16

I think this is a common theme in families and it certainly is in ours. It always seems that me & dh get offered less help but then we rarely ask for it either so I'm sure it assumed we're fine and don't really need it.

it can be hard not to take it personally though. One of my SIL spends a lot of time with my other SIL children and has taken them on many days out but less so my two (infact hardly ever). I've always felt a little hurt by this but I remembered the other day that as children they were very close and that the older sil used to take her younger sister on many trips and holidays when she was young and I think she wants to repay the kindness by doing the same.

Original poster
Pollyanna · 03/07/2008 12:35

speaking to my mother would be difficult without her taking offence - I don't want to upset her, (and she is liable to sulk too). It just isn't worth the hassle.

The reasonable side of me knows that I can't actually expect help from her. (dh does think she should give us a days free childcare too for our baby, but that's another issue)

I think it is a combination of her not thinking I need help, finding it stressful being here and me not asking, plus her general attitude towards dsis.

I would be interested to know how dsis feels about this - my other sister has certainly noticed the imbalance - and I know she is on mn so she may spot it. It may be that my mum thinks she is being helpful by visiting me for coffee

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 12:39

I think you need to ask more specifically for what you would like her to do.

I think reading your post, she is actually paying you a huge compliment without meaning to, because she sees you as a grown woman who can manage FIVE children! If she didn't think you could manage I guess she would HAVE to do more....

I think you simply need to ask her for what you want her to do.

Could it be that in fact it's not that she helps you too little, but helps your sis too much? Would you want her to clean at yours for instance?

Is your understandable jealousy of the imbalance making you THINK you want more when actually you wouldn't be pursuing it if there wasn't your sis getting 'more' in the background?

But if you do feel you'd like her to give more in some way then you definitely need to spell it out to her, just ask and see how it goes!

HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 12:43

x-posts with yours polly! I think there's a difference between 'having it out' with her though and just asking "mum, would you consider looking after Araminta on Friday?"

Also think your husband is being WELL cheeky in thinking she 'should give us a day's free childcare' - erm, his children, his responsibility, not hers - I don't think any of us are signing up to being free childcarers when our children decide to procreate! I do realise he means because she does it for your sister but to EXPECT it is too much.

cupsoftea · 03/07/2008 12:46

ask her why she does more for your sis.

ChukkyPig · 03/07/2008 13:09

I was going to ask if you were the older sibling! DH and I are both the older ones and we get to be the people who you ring up when you need a lift/something done etc.

While our younger siblings swan around being waited on hand foot and finger.

I'm sorry you're upset but I do think that this is a pretty normal dynamic with mums and older/younger siblings. Not all the time obviously (before someone jumps on me!).

You need to tell your mum how you feel and ask if if she would be able to help you out sometimes as well if that is what you want.

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