to be pissed off that my mother helps my sister out and not me even when I don't actually NEED help?

[Pollyanna]

I am trying to understand how I feel about this and why I feel annoyed.

My sister and I and our mother all live in the same town. My mother doesn't work and is young and not at all infirm. My sister has one child - a one year old, I have 5 children aged from 12 weeks to 9 yo. I do have an ap to help me out 4 hours a day (from 3-7 usually), but my dh isn't here from 8am until after the children's bedtime. ds2 (12weeks) is up until 11pm usually, but I get the others to bed by 7.30 usually

I cope really well. I don't feel that I am struggling, and am really enjoying having a large family. But it is chaotic and very hard work,and I spend all my time doing child stuff, school runs, settling disputes, washing etc etc etc. It gets dull sometimes and is neverending.

My sister also seems to be able to cope really well. Her ds isn't difficult and although her dh is away with work quite alot, when he is here he is around more than my dh.

My mother is round at her house at least 3 times a week. She cleans for her, helps her to put her ds to bed when her dh isn't there, and looks after her ds once a week as she doesn't want to put her ds in nursery while she works.

She doesn't help me much at all. ~She takes dd2 to school once a week - but because she likes to spend time with her. She drops in maybe once a week for a coffee, but always leaves before school pick up time. I don't particularly ask her to help, but if she comes round she can see that I am busy and just sits there drinking tea!! (which sometimes she asks me to make!).

Frequently she babysits my nephew at my house! without asking me first - she is here now with him. She will leave as soon as he does.

Sorry this is long. I'm sure I just seem jealous - and perhaps I am (I don't know), but it just seems so unfair to me. Then again, perhaps I am being unreasonable as I don't need any help and perhaps my sister is struggling and I don't know.

I'm not sure why I've written this, but it has helped to get it off my chest anyway.

(and A, if you're reading - sorry I'm not offended, or upset by you, but genuinely puzzled by the imbalance and the reasons for it.).

yes, I am the oldest sibling, always seen as the capable one blah blah blah.
Would be hard for me to discuss it with my mum as I would probably get emotional about it and not be reasonable!

Yes, agree that dh is being unreasonable (and I won't let him say anything), but then again his mother is super fair amongst her children.

Honoria, I don't always manage the 5 children! She has seen me extremely flustered and screechy, and she was also the same in very late pregnancy when I could barely walk.

Polly, it's obviously a big issue for you if you think even to talk about it with her would make you emotional

i feel for you - that's a horrible way to feel!

Would you not feel able to make say, one very specific request as in 'can you do this or that with this child each week'?

It just seems with you feeling like this about it, it's worth raising now before your resentment etc gets worse....

It sounds a very difficult situation, btw - I see my DH and his sister get very different amounts of help from his parents and I know it is not easy to deal with.

I'm dsis!
I can see Pollyanna's point, one child a lot easier than 5! Our mother looks after my DS once a week and I make myself available a a supply teacher on that day. This has been the case since 1st June only and is only until the end of this term as ds has a nursery place from Sept. I am grateful for this!
Oyher than this she comes and visits on Thursdays, when I am there too. When my dh is away , he is this week, I can't go to work as I wouldn't leave ds with anyone for such a long day (dh gets him up, dressed and fed etc after i go to work ). I didn't even hear from my mother mon, tues, wed so she is really not here very often! As for help, she sits and drinks tea that I make, and then tuts at the state of the kitchen and cleans it obsessively no matter how much I clean it before hand!

Maybe your Mum thinks there are two adults in your house, and quite often just one adult in your sisters house. As she is alone most of the time, it is more exhausting, lonely and boring than if two adults are there?

have you asked your Mum?

hi twinkle, wondered whether you would see this. I didn't say I was being reasonable! and I don't blame you ( there is no need to justify your actions) but for the reasons below (which are perfectly understandable on her part I accept) i don't get any help from her and it really puzzles me that she doesn't offer, but perhaps I just need to ask.

and your post has shown that she does view things differently - she thinks she is doing you a big favour by cleaning for you (she is welcome to clean my kitchen obsessively )

yes, it is true that I have help - my au pair is here for a couple of hours each afternoon - mostly she does the long school run. I am on my own the rest of the time and there is still a high child/adult ratio.

maybe I will speak to her when the time is right!

I rarely ask for help from her, usually only when DH is away. However, i suspect she views it as 'helping' when she is here each week. She often says she has been 'helping' you out e.g. taking DD2 to school, or DD3 to nursery, when actually you haven't specifically asked for help. If you ask for help, the level of helpfulness doesn't actually increase though!