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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so pissed with hubby i cant bear to look at him

63 replies

justageek · 02/07/2008 19:59

let alone talk to him?

I had a really stressful day today with my toddlers and some personal things i was having to sort out, plus feeling quite down in general. I was glad when he got home as he takes the kids of my hands. But tonight he started ranting about not being able to find the special pens that my youngest got for her birthday (they only colour in special pages, like invisible ink kind of thing so they were fairly special). I hate it when he starts like that because i feel like he is thinking badly of me, for not making sure they dont lose/break their toys etc.

So i knew my eldest had been playing with them earlier and had asked her to put them away, he was saying they werent in the drawer they were meant to be. So i asked her were they were. Dont know she says (she is 3). So we begin a huge search for them, and i am getting crosser and crosser, the more he is...I eventually lose my temper and tell eldest to at least help look for them, she is tired by then and gurny so doesnt bother. GAAAH. I ask her again, she says in the drawer, i go to check the drawers, dh shouts at me, i have already looked in there!

So i tell dd its not in the drawers and she says she doesnt know.

Guess where they were. In the FARKING drawer. DH didnt even bother looking properly before starting to rant about not being able to find anything in this house blah blah.

So i had to then apologise to my DD and give her a cuddle, poor lamb. I am sooo mad at DH, i really am, he is forever asking wheres this and getting huffy before he hasnt even bloody looked. What is wrong with men? are they just dsigned to generally piss you off at any given opportunity?!

I cant be bothered speaking to him tonight, because he didnt even apologise to DD himself or me for that matter.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 21:06

its not just my DP then, he will ask me where stuff after he has "looked everywhere" i generally find it on the side, where he left it. Then the other day when i said to him something along the lines of "oh, poor you, you just didn't get a functioning copy of the finding things gene did you" he gets all arsey and digs himself a bigger hole by saying "well you only know where stuff is because you are the one who puts stuff away", thankyou for finally acknowledging that i say!

TurkeyLurkey · 02/07/2008 21:09

see I knew I'd read it somewhere!!

TurkeyLurkey · 02/07/2008 21:09

I do do that thing about turning the map around though

TheHedgeWitch · 02/07/2008 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheHedgeWitch · 02/07/2008 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sandy4 · 02/07/2008 21:16

turkeylurkey - so that's why men are guilty of 'inappropriately looking at other people in the room' ??

Eilatan · 02/07/2008 21:18

Drove through two red lights the other day and nearly through a third with our 1 yr old in the back...then it was my fault because I moaned cos I'm not a "London driver." I ignored him for two days. I'm not arguing with the big twonk but he ain't driving in London with the kid in the back again.

choccypig · 02/07/2008 21:22

I suffer from the "not finding things gene", and I have trained myself to go back and look in the place it should be AGAIN. Because what happens is you don't look carefully the first time, then you look everywhere else, getting more and more wound up so you FEEL as though you searched the first place thouroughly. So you only glance at it the right place even on the second look.

However, blaming a 3 yo and shouting about it is not on. I never blame my son, except when it's his shoes, which he just kicks off all over the place.

TurkeyLurkey · 02/07/2008 21:34

Yes Sandy4 - Mens biology stops them from letching at people in a discreet manner I like the fact that women can talk and listen at the same time too. MY DH is never going to believe that ones down to biology.

StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2008 21:39

DH has this as well. Yesterday I asked him to put DS in a sleepsuit telling him "Bottom drawer on the RIGHT HAND SIDE" (couldn't expect the poor love to know that now, could I?)
"NO, not here"
"Are you sure?" (I only folded and put away a load the prev. night)
"Definitely not"
"On the left hand side of the drawer" (thinking: FFS)
"No...."
"OK, I'm coming up"
"Oh no, here they are"

His excuse

"They looked like vests"

HermanMunster · 02/07/2008 22:41

"He seems to be getting in a paddy "

sorry to highjack the thread slightly but would this kind of casual discriminatory remark have gone uncommented on if someone had said "he was having an eppy/acting like a paki"

not having a go at the op of this comment as i realise for many it is simply a colloquilism (sp) and assume she meant no offence for it. but would just like to point out there are irish posters who may take offence.

abbierhodes · 02/07/2008 23:07

Don't be bloody ridiculous! The word Paddy is used to mean tantrum, and in this context has nothing to do with the Irish. I'm of Irish descent, and am more offended by the fact that the world has gone mad with politically correct bollox!

hatwoman · 02/07/2008 23:13

dh and I have to dispute that this is a man thing. we both take the piss out of each other for not being able to see the things at the front of the cupboard. my mum "lost" a spatula for about 2 years. we all looked. it was, without doubt, lost. dh found it one day, at the front of the drawer in which it normally lived.

hatwoman · 02/07/2008 23:13

but, to answer the op, I would be bloody cross about that one.

LobstersLass · 02/07/2008 23:15

Good grief!

The word paddy used in that context has fuck all to do with the Irish.
In the same way that black coffee has no offensive meaning.

It's a totally separate use of the word.

Collision · 02/07/2008 23:16

I agree with abbi.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/07/2008 23:18

So refreshing to see that my DH is not the only man blighted with the inability to see an object right under his nose! We have had many an arguement about it- I reckon the aim is to make the woman get up to find it- kind of like a toddler attention thing. One night we were going out for a meal and he asked me where his shoes were. I told him wherever he had left them, but if he'd done the man thing of leaving them right on the mat, so that when I come in with 4 bags of shopping and the keys in my mouth, I fall over his big size 11 boats and give myself concussion, I would have put them in the cupboard (cue detailed instructions as to which cupboard, which area of said cupboard, etc- Maybe GPS would help?) He goes to do a quick open-the-cupboard-for-a-nanosecond-then-shut-it-again, and declares shoes not there. I shrug and say I don't know where they are then. He looks at me in outrage.
"Aren't you going to get up and look for them??"
"No, I'm not. I only know one place where I would have put them, and you say they aren't there"

He went out to dinner in his trainers and sulked for the next 4 hours. So definitely not just you!! Oh, and yeah- it's always the woman's fault, somehow. WE must have moved their wallet to the toolshed/ bathroom cabinet etc!

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/07/2008 23:18

I am at the number of men here who actually start off a looking spree by asking where something is!
My dp and I:

Me: what are you looking for

Me: What are you looking for

Me: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR????
DP: Nothing
Me: Yes you are, you are looking for something, what are you looking for
DP: Nothing
Me: If you tell me what you are looking for I might be able to tell you where it is

The last few steps are repeated a few times.
Finally:
Me: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ARGHGHGHHGHGH
DP:
Me: oh that, its in xplace. Why didn't you just ask me in the first place, you could have saved all that time looking [smug simpering emoticon]

Oh yes that would be me having a paddy at him looking. But I am quarter irish so up yours with your 'discrimination'.

hatwoman · 02/07/2008 23:20

just out of interest I googled it - and the origin is unclear but in fact some speculate that it is to do with the stereotype that Irish people have short tempers.

thumbwitch · 02/07/2008 23:31

I feel that I might get shot down in flames over this for being too nerdy - but it is not really about gender, not being able to find things.

In NLP, we work on the principle that people have different "sensory processing preferences", usually categorised into 4 types - audio, visual, digital and kinaesthetic (or sounds, sights, thoughts and feelings). Everyone uses all of them to a greater or lesser extent but if your visual processing is on the low side, i.e. not your preferred mode, then you tend not to be able to "see" things, even when in front of your nose. I did a test on my Mum and Dad when I was training and it turned out that my Dad's top processing mode was Visual, whereas my Mum's was Audio. Dad's audio was way down, mum's visual was second. This explained quite a lot about their inability to communicate effectively - Dad never "listened" and Mum never "saw Dad's point" - facetiously I suggested that Mum should either use semaphore or draw pics for Dad and that Dad should be more verbal for Mum.

I also did the test on my DH a few years ago (before we were married) and his visual is so low it's almost off the scale, hence why I can hide anything in plain sight and know he won't find it. Luckily for our communications, both of us have Audio as our top processing mode!

If anyone is even slightly interested and hasn't already fallen asleep through this post, there is more info on this stuff (but to do with learning modes) on this link

thumbwitch · 02/07/2008 23:37

oh and justageek YANBU - he shouldn't have got into such a state over something like that and he should have apologised to your DD as well.

And yes, it still drives me nuts when DH can't see something I want him to see, even when he's looking straight at it - and yes, it's always my fault for not describing it properly or not being clear enough in my instruction/directions. Gaaaah!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/07/2008 23:40

thumbwitch- now I am depressed! My DH never listens to me either!! God knows what processing mode that man has! Can you have people with NO processing mode? (fearfully awaits answer)

thumbwitch · 02/07/2008 23:41

not really, sounds like his top processing mode might be digital - i.e. a basic lack of sensory input!!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/07/2008 23:43

LOL! And here I thought I had an old analogue model!! Digital, eh?? Does that mean it's just a case of finding the right remote control? Interesting...

thumbwitch · 02/07/2008 23:54

oh wouldn't that be nice, a remote control for your DH and DC! Especially the mute button....

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