To wish everybody would just leave me the F*^%! alone!!!

[lucyellensmum]

My DP is probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to financial stress and the fact his business is going tits up, when it is actually due to his own ineptitude. So, he takes it out on me, calls me a cunt, among other things. Then calls me on the phone all lovey and upbeat, but no apology. I know he is stressed, ive told him what to do, i can't offer anymore.

Then my mother decides the reason her BP is high is because the chemists have changed her tablets (just a different make). I said i would speak to the chemist and make sure it was all ok but didnt get chance to day as had to attend waste of time meeting for preschool (see other thread) and it PISSED down with rain so had to shelter in library and place would have been shut by the time i came home. So now she has played the whole "its all shit" "they are making me ill" "i wont take my tablets (she WILL die if she doesn't" "i dont care anymore, you obviously don't give a shit" type thing. When i am stressed anyway because of DP.

FFS, I am the one on ADs, im the one who is hanging on by a fucking thread - i just want everyone to leave me the hell alone with DD, i will be alright then, alone, quiet, no stress, no noise, no anything

Orm, bloody men, or should i say bloody builders, all the sodding same, its just instead of seeing feathers (a la ostritch) when they have their heads in the sand, we are treated to full view of their builders bums!! I would be quite happy though if DP had six months work lined up.

LEM - I don't know how to put this nicely. But here goes.

In your OP you say that the business is failing due to your DP's ineptitude and then go on to say he calls you a cunt.

I think I too would call you something, maybe not that, if I was trying to keep a business afloat and my DH kept telling me I was useless and inept.

Sorry.

i would call me a fucking bastard cunting bitch, but i never say that to him, i post that he is farking useless at running the business - so i think you misread. He is BRILLIANT at what he does, he just can't do the business side of things and he needs to recognise that. People have said i should do it for him, but i no longer want to, i thought we could work together, but it has become apparent that we can't so i will be persuing my own goals.

did you get your name from a childrens dining range by the way . Fair point you make, but i think you misread my op. I might be wrong, if so, you can slap me

"his business is going tits up, when it is actually due to his own ineptitude. So, he takes it out on me, calls me a cunt,"

That's the bit I suppose. I am probably totally wrong, but there is a theme in your posts that you are really really cross with him for failing at his business - You say somewhere he has let you down because he promised he was going to look after you.

IMO you can't keep looking back and attributing blame for the situation you are in. You are in it and it won't change. Creative and pragmatic thinking about all the available options are the only thing you can now do. FWIW I don't think you should leave a H because he called you a cunt.

LEM I think you should do some research into assertiveness skills. They are simple but can revolutionise things for people.

From the info on this thread it seems clear that your relationship with your mum is based on you giving her alot of support (ringing up and offering to walk her dog, 'having' to go round there to check her if she doesn't answer the phone etc). You really don't need to prioritise your mum - and it won't be you being a bad daughter or not a nice person, it'll be you and your mum acting as seperate, self reliant adults.

You have enough to deal with, with your DH, his business, and a young dd. I think you should prioritise those.

And I think you and DP need to really communicate because from the level of your anger it is absolutely clear that you are living life in parallel rather than on the same path. You may have talked before but clearly not truly communicated. And I think assertiveness skills could really help you to do that.

sorry, hijack - mixedmama- come baaaccck! we miss you!

HG - i am chuckling at the thought of me and assertiveness training. But you are probably right, i most likely need to learn to communicate effectively rather than shout.

Dittany, i give as good as i get, remember you only see one side of the story posted here so please don't think badly of my DP.

My mother seems to be able to press my buttons. All fecking morning she didnt answer the phone, yes i was tempted to think, yeah well, fuck you i'm having a me day but she is not that well really and has been getting high BP so i was worried. Turned out she was just sulkikng! She has got a bee in her bonnet that her medication has been changed, it hasn't, i treid to explain to her, twenty times now. She has just had problems with her BP, but its getting better. She had to be reffered to opthalmologist for her eyes, nothing to worry about, BUT on list for cataracts, two months - RESULT but now she has gone into classic, "i dont care" "im not having it done" bla bla bla - just what i needed today - so then i said, OK, fine don't bother having it done but make sure you cancel in good time so someone else doesnt miss out. Then it becomes MY fault because i wont be able to look after her dog, and what will she do with the dog she "wont put him in prison (kennels) and have him sitting in a cage all day" FFS - i just said, I will look after the dog - oh no, you can't look after the one you have WTF????

BUt anyway, me and DD went to the beach and had chips and it was lovely so i dont care .

I think it would be really good to have a look at your assumptions on assertiveness LEM! It really CAN change the whole way you approach life

Your last post showing another set-to with your mother is classic non assertive behaviour - you don't need to take on your mother's issues in this way. 'all morning she didn't answer the phone' - well, don't phone her all morning. Why chase her when it was 99% likely she was sulking anyway - why chase the confrontation? ok, she has not been well and gets high BP - she is an ADULT, it is HER responsibility to look after her health. And to sort what happens to her dog if she needs treatment....

You may find it laughable, but I think assertiveness training is what you need- IMHO!

That sounds lovely! should do it more often and maybe bring DP also, so you can all try and chill a bit.

LEM, I feel for you - and have been called the c-word and dh has verged on violent behaviour (throwing things) which has had me worried in the past - last time it happened i said that's it, if it happens again i leave you (with 2 dd's). I grew up with a father who was similar but worse and am paranoid about kids growing up in fear like i did. DH has been a lot better since though I don't know what I'd do if he does it again. It's all down to the stress of his job he says and me being off hand with him - putting the kids first. But! How idealistic should we be about our partners? Sounds like your dp needs to grow up a bit and accept responsibility for his actions; i told my dh (honestly) that his using language like that just made me lose respect for him and love him less and I didn't want to feel either of those things. Sad when it's not all rosy but part of life - I think. Who has a perfect relationship?! (Don't think I want to know if you do...).

BTW do agree that your Mum should not be such a responsibility for you - hope she is still in shock looking at the phone. Leave her to her own devices a bit more, she sounds rather manipulative so try not to play along so much? Admittedly easier said than done.

much easier said than done loo. I'm an only child and she doenst really have any other relatives. No real friends to speak of, so its just me. I do find it hard, even when she is not being difficult, she does help out alot, although it would be nice if she would babysit once in a while. She does give us a hand financially sometimes. She likes to spend time with DD too, shes on her own, i can't stop her can i? But lately she has been very full on, expecting me to go out with her every day but turning it around so that she is "helping" me occupy DD. I was rather glad she had the hump today because i would have just had to drag around after her while she went shopping (she needs me to get cash out of the machine for her as she doesn't get it - she's 73). I think i have just been feeling overwhelmed. Things are difficult between DP and me at the moment, both financially and emotionally. I just don't have the mental energy for her bullshit on top. But then i feel so guilty, she is all on her own and must be terribly lonely, she does go to bingo, but thats it. Lately she has been expecting me to meet her afterwards too - i just need a fecking holiday!!!!

"she needs me to get cash out of the machine for her as she doesn't get it - she's 73".

She needs to learn then, LEM.
It's not like they are new fangled machines, really - they've been around for a long time.
My grandmother is 86, and operates completely independently.
If your mother needs extra help, she should go to her local bank branch, and ask for their assistance.

I understand your desire to help her, and your feelings that as the only child, you are responsible for helping, but I think you are expecting too much of yourself - and it sounds like your mother expects too much of you too.

You must be exhausted, with everything that is going on.

i feel exhauseted pooty. But i don't actually do that much. Its more emotionally drained.

LEM you need a break - even a couple of hours to yourself window shopping or walking or reading on the beach or whatever you like doing most that can take you out of yourself and give your mind some time out from worrying about everybody else. Can your DP have DD for three hours tomorrow so you can get out? The responsibility must be a real drain and I understand about you feeling you need to be there for your Mum. Are there any groups for people her age that run locally that you could encourage her to join - coffee mornings or similar. Good luck, and if you can get a couple of hours to yourself i think it could make a big difference. Always helps me get perspective if I'm feeling overwhelmed.

that would be nice loo, but not possible this weekend as DP has to work. I did go to the beach with DD yesterday, that was nice, might do it again today. There is the slightest tiniest bit of a hint of a glimmer of hope of something positive for the business so we feel more positive today.

I'm in two minds whether to ring my mother today, she usually goes to bingo, but i fancy taking DD out and feel guilty if i go off and do it on my own as i know my mum likes to spend time with DD.

I wish i could get her involved in groups, but if you knew my mother, you would know why that is a bad idea.

We are going to the animal park, she rang me, she is in an ok mood. I'm ok with it, i just can't be doing with her moods is all.

LEM hope you have fun. It does sound like you give give give... I know you say it's one side of the story we see but I have a friend like you who is infinitely caring about other people and I just want to say to her, and you, PLEASE be a bit more selfish, you'd feel better for it! I'm not a horrible person (I hope) but to be able to look after other people, you need to keep (mentally)well and look after yourself first! Have you heard of NLP or cognitive behaviour therapy? I don't know much about it but it is meant to be amazing at getting you to see your life more positively, and have the courage to change the things that need changing. We could probably all do with a bit of that... I don't know more than that, sorry if it's not helpful but thought I'd mention it.