To wish everybody would just leave me the F*^%! alone!!!

[lucyellensmum]

My DP is probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to financial stress and the fact his business is going tits up, when it is actually due to his own ineptitude. So, he takes it out on me, calls me a cunt, among other things. Then calls me on the phone all lovey and upbeat, but no apology. I know he is stressed, ive told him what to do, i can't offer anymore.

Then my mother decides the reason her BP is high is because the chemists have changed her tablets (just a different make). I said i would speak to the chemist and make sure it was all ok but didnt get chance to day as had to attend waste of time meeting for preschool (see other thread) and it PISSED down with rain so had to shelter in library and place would have been shut by the time i came home. So now she has played the whole "its all shit" "they are making me ill" "i wont take my tablets (she WILL die if she doesn't" "i dont care anymore, you obviously don't give a shit" type thing. When i am stressed anyway because of DP.

FFS, I am the one on ADs, im the one who is hanging on by a fucking thread - i just want everyone to leave me the hell alone with DD, i will be alright then, alone, quiet, no stress, no noise, no anything

You would think so wouldn't you. I feel selfish because i know there are people worse off than me but its like i have no control over what is happening here. Our love is going sour in front of me and i can't stop it. Oh i wish with all my heart i could take the last few years back, get a job, be strong about putting DD in childcare (even though it goes against my gut feeling) and make everything OK. Its starting to dawn on me that it might actually be to late

How old is your DD, would she be ready for playschool in September? At least then you could maybe find some kind of part-time job for the morning and maybe get a CM to collect from the playschool and have your DD for a couple of hours?
It is a scary thought having someone else look after your child, no-one else can be as good as you.
But when children get to a certain age (around 3yrs old) it is best for them to mix with other children and get a sense of independance from their parents and of course she will miss you a bit, but she'll have lots of fun as well.
It is just the thought of change that stops people doing what they trully want, they are scared of failure and not being good enough.
You could walk into any job straight away as you sound like a very capable person, you just need to make that leap of faith and trust someone else with your DD.

problem is LEM, you are going round, as you say in a vicious circle.

one of you has to end it.

DPs business and the money issues are at the root of this.

you know what the options are.

maybe it is time for an ultimatum> but you have to stick with it.

DP needs to see how serious it is.

that your entire relationship and family life is at risk

Hello - sorry to hear you are having bad time.

I have not seen your previous threads - why is the business failure down to your DP's ineptitude?

LEM, have read several of your threads, and the problem is that your DP is going to keep on acting like a spoilt teenager until someone gives him a kick up the arse. He is clearly useless at running his own business and needs to get a job: that is no longer negotiable. I am a bit concerned that there seems to be a slight escalation in his behaviour as well - calling you a cunt is very unpleasant - and the way he is blaming you for his own incompetence suggests a person who has real problems taking responsibility. Men like this sometimes move along from vicious name-calling to a bit of slapping and pushing, which they always insist is because they are 'stressed' and it's somehow all their wives' fault....

I just don't have any confidence though. She is actually meant to be starting in September, i have another thread about this open just now, its all gone a bit wrong really. I was hoping that was going to be set in stone, apparently not.

I remember when DP and i first got together (16 years ago) and we were walking on the beach one day, he sat me on the sea wall and looked in my eyes and said "don't worry baby, i wont break your heart" I believed him, and for a long long time, things were so good, so very very good, i honestly thought we could brave any storm that life threw us. Now i don't think i have any fight left. My man has changed, and i guess, so have i - Im not sure what i want. I don't want to be alone, in fact the thought terrifies me, but this is not only breaking my heart it is destroying anything that i can describe as me. I am just functioning. No more than that really. I have lost him i know it, i think he knows too, but pathetic as we are, we keep limping on, trying to pretend. He went back on his word - my heart is broken. I know this is all so pathetic and self pitying. I want to tell him all of this but the only time i get to say anything like this is by text, while he is working, so im just being childish and adding to his stress.

I just want to be quiet now, not think, not feel, not be. That of course is not an option, i have DD, she needs me. So on with the mask again.

He calls you a cunt
He blames you for his feelings.
He's threatened to kill you.

He is dangerous man and you must leave him. I am not suggesting this is in any way easy, but you must protect yourself and your DD.

Good luck.

I don't think for one minute that he was serious about his threat, i'm not completely niave about things. He would never hurt me physically. EVER I would stake my life on it - doesnt make what he says any less hurtful, but i know i am just as much to blame really. More so probably.

I have said the same to him, its just words, hurtful, but just words

are you really no further forward ? So many of your threads go the same way. this morning lots of SAHM will, agree that it is you partners responsibility to sort it all out whilst you stay at home ( your CHOICE) and later on the WOHM wil come along and point out the you are an adult too, and could work to support your family, that your dd is not a tiny baby and will manage without you all the time, and that splitting her family will be worse for her than a working mother, and thay YOU NEED TO BE PROACTIVE and STOP sitting around expecting your partner to sort it all out.

sorry, but I'm not surprised hes at the end of his rope. You sound like a complete burden

with the greatest respect lemon, i would rather you leave me alone also. You know nothing about what i have going on in my life apart from what i have written here. Some positive, some not. If you think my DP is so put upon, YOU have him. Good lord i pity your patients. This is not about money (well it is at the end of the day) it is about HIM recognising that HIS business is not working and that he is taking the stress of that out on me. ARe you suggesting that he should continue to play the big business man while earning no money? I think my situation is completely irrelevant to this actually. It wouldnt matter if i were earning a six figure salary, he would still be running a business that he can't work because HE is so disorganised. I can't do the work for him and my advice is not welcome. Frustrating isn't it.

lemonstartree you are out of order.how do you imagine a comment like that is going to help LEM today.she is reaching out for help and support here and is getting that from many people on here.
god forbid you ever need support

LEM ignore this vile person please.

thankyou for sticking up for me CVQ - you want to know something very worrying, have a look at this womans profile, it says she is a GP! I'm hoping its bullshit .

She did make me angry enough to go and clean my kitchen though . I honestly do want to stick a fork in DPs eyes sometimes, he frustrates me to the point of madness, he really does. We are in such a bad place just now and im really not sure if we can get through it this time. I have actually made some positive decisions and acted on them, but i dont want to discuss it as i dont feel i should have to justify myself to lemonstar. This is an issue about my relationship with DP and my mother for that matter, whenever she is difficult my head goes spinning.

ive struggled over thelast few days so im super defensive today.js been difficult and im not really sure how to handle it.it sounds really stupid but hes found a temper and i cant help but think he could turn out like his 'father'.it worries me

LEM you are doing the best you can right now.as i think i said the other day please try not to expect too much of yourself.your dp sounds like he has his head firmly planted in the sand and until he faces up to the reality of it all i dont think theres much you can do.i know how worried and anxious you are about it though xx

Hi couldnt you write dp a letter and stop with a friend or relative with dd for a couple of days, tell him its a temp break as you dont want to split up but you feel thats they way its heading etc? I need motivation to clean my kitchen right now! I'm not even out of my pj's!!

I think the last sentence of lemonstartree's post was unnecessary and hurtful.

I do think she has a point about being proactive with regard to the financial situation though, LEM.

And I'm not saying it to be unkind.

I'm saying it as someone who has qualifications coming out of my ears, and who is just about to start night shifts, stacking shelves in Asda, because DH's business is not doing well at the moment.

I have no idea how I will cope with doing that, and being a SAHM during the day, but I know I can't let the entire burden of sorting out our financial mess fall on DH alone.

well said Pooty. and well done, some common sense!

My last sentance may have been a bit hard, but I stand by the rest.

and now I will go away, though I am glad my post made you cross enough to do SOMETHING, lem.

Pooty, i think you make a fair point. This is something i am definately willing to take on. I need to do DPs accounts to see if it is viable actually as right now we are entitled to full tax credits which pretty much means me doing something part time is not worthwhile. It does look like we will lose that entitlement this year so that will make it something to consider (not consider but do). I have actually taken some positive steps career wise but i don't want to discuss it here. The thing is, i really do feel that DP is flogging a dead horse and whilst easing the financial situation at home, me getting a job isn't going to change that is it.

Good, don't come back, your posts are not helpful to me, thanks all the same.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit though. I am more straight than that, you irritate me, i find you condescending and arrogant so fuck off

pooty did you omit to include your qualifications in your application or did they appreciate that this is most likely a temporary measure for you?

OMG that baby in the pampers add is just so gorgeous . LEM files thoughts of broodiness under inappropriate just now.

LEM - just wanted to offer my support. I have been in the same position, with my DH whilst I was on mat leave thinking it was a good time to quit his job and start a business with his friend.

We went thru some awful times and I honestly thought there was no way we would come out the other end still a couple. In fact I was sure it was a matter of time before we divorced. But after the worst 2 years of my life, we are still together - penniless but blissfully happy again, which I never thought possible.

I know it is hard right now, but it can all still work out. I think you are coping admirably uner the circumstances (I have only read this thread) and sometiems we do just have to let it all out.

I really hope he starts to see a bit more sense.

Dont give up on your relationship just yet - it may be salvagable, come thru the mess and then make a decision with a clear head.

Sorry I have waffled but wanted to let you know you are not alone and it can work out.

thankyou so much MM, he has just been home and been lovely, we had a cup of tea and a cuddle. I am pretty much stressed out because of my mother too - she is now choosing not to answer her phone so i have to go round there to make sure she is OK . Its just so hard with a toddler around to sort the important stuff. I am really glad that you have managed to get through this - i very much don't want to give up on us, its like we have been through too much now. Maybe we are stronger than i thought after all. I am sort of hoping we don't get the tax credits as it will make it easier for me to decide to go back to work part time. I have decided to go into teaching but am putting off my PGCE til next year as i can't afford not to bring something home if DD is going to need childcare.

I just wish i had a magic wand to make DPs business work for him.

lem - just to add that I am going through a similar (but much less serious) situation with my DH. He is in the building trade (we've discussed this before I think ) and has been warned that after the end of July there is no more work lined up. Normally the work would be arranged 6 months in advance but now there is nothing less than 6 weeks in advance. When I try to suggest that perhaps he should start looking for other work right now, he gets iritable with me. Apparently something might turn up at any moment and I really should stop looking for problems before they arise. I feel like screaming.... When I thought I was likely to be made redundant back in December I started looking for other jobs straight away - didn't wait for it to happen. The ability to bury your head in the face of problems is quite a feat.

cvq, don't feel bad about your DS - how old is he? It is perfectly normal for children to develop tempers, worrying if they don't to be honest. Its just a case of helping them to not burn it off in an inapropriate manner. Thanks again for posting and i hope you are doing ok today. I am starting to feel a bit brighter