To think women should prioritise being equally yoked when choosing a partner?

[ThisLimeMoose]

As a woman, I firmly believe that if you don’t have children, you should prioritise dating a man who doesn’t have children. If you’re financially stable, you should be looking for a man who is equally financially stable. The same applies to emotional maturity, ambition, lifestyle and general circumstances.

I think far too many women enter relationships where they’re taking on responsibilities, complications or burdens that they wouldn’t otherwise have, simply because they’ve been encouraged to believe that love should be enough. Stay equally yoked in all things and I genuinely believe you’d avoid a significant proportion of the relationship problems we regularly see discussed on here.

AIBU?

OP, is this the equivalent of stay in your lane? In which case I agree. Chaos should be with chaos. Fundamental incompatibility is a thing and people should stop forcing it when you have absolutely nothing in common in values or lifestyle and only get on during sex.

Exactly…and once one person has ‘been offended’ they all jump on. It’s ridiculous. It was perfectly obvious what the OP meant.

I had a friend who believed the same thing her list was ridiculously long. Had to earn at least the same as her (she was a high earner) but then when she would date guys who earned like her she then complained they were too work driven. Her most ridiculous one was had to have chartership like it was a job interview and then complained they were boring. It was a never-ending cycle and she's still angry that she's single 10 years on.

Yes in a partner you need to have some stuff in common but life changes constantly so do jobs, salaries etc.

If you only go by tickbox then you can miss an amazing person.

My DH and I are very different in some ways and not in others he's very laid back happy to cruise and doesn't see the point in stressing the small stuff. I like to be organised, very work driven and want the details. But we both love the outdoors and travel.

Todays equivalent would probably be "don't mismatch your vibes" if you were a gen zer

AI says this

Or just marry someone kind and thoughtful with a good moral compass who will take an equal share of the domestic load and not be a twat if you happen to divorce for whatever reason?

It is certainly not unusual.
But I think it shows that the relationship was not between similar people at the outset. There were surface similarities, but underneath there were different core values, habits, and beliefs.

Beliefs about sharing finances, the value of the parenting role vs the earning role, and the inherent value of parenting.
Habits of generosity with money, values about saving and spending.
Beliefs about who should be doing housework, habits about what standard of cleanliness is acceptable, and values about whether cleaning is a more worthwhile use of time than watching TV.

These things are hard to see in advance - until the baby arrives, it can be very difficult to see what he really believes about funding her maternity leave and part-time career for a decade, about his role and responsibility as a parent, or him doing housework weekends / evenings when she has 'been at home all day' while he has been 'out working'.

Mostly, you only get to see who someone really is after you are already in a relationship with them.

I've never heard it in that context before OP.

But I agree with your post.

However, sometimes things happen during the marriage like redundancy and then you find that the person who was earning twice as much as you were is now only earning half as much stacking shelves (assuming they can even find that sort of work in this day and age).

So it's not that simple. The kids thing is though as you hopefully know before you marry someone if they have kids!

I think it was in our case, and often is, a case of “you don’t know until you are in it”, even with the most earnest and far-reaching reflection at the outset.

In theory, yes, sure, but realistically you can't choose who you're attracted to or fall in love with.

Well, that attitude certainly explains why so many partnerships veer off into a ditch. You have to pull together.

For some reason, I misread it as "yokel" and thought I’d gone mad, as I had no idea what you meant! 😅😳😂

Strange expression but I think the trend to online dating hasn't helped much. In the past you met people more organically, so you would maybe have a situation, hobby, workplace in common. Your friends might have introduced you or suggested that you would get on. Much riskier meeting a stranger in a public place. They only reveal as much as they choose.
In general yes the more you want the same things in life, the better. You don't have to be equal in all aspects to be compatible though.
Choosing a stable kind person would give you the best chance of longevity.

So men with good careers should not get in relationships with women who career wise have only average financial prospects or less? Nurses, teachers, hairdressers, all those? Is that what you think too?

I grew up Methodist and am now Anglican and have not heard this expression.

surely almost by definition a marriage where there are children is unequal because the woman has to have them? It’s not like she can alternate having kids with the man.

i suppose a gay marriage would be much more equal.

I agree (again!)

This is why its always east to wait a while before starting a family with someone. Obviously, you can't know for sure what sort of parent they will be but if you've known them for a while, you can generally gauge whether they are generally supportive, can deal with hard times, are genuinely compassionate and caring.

I think a lot of women (going by threads I've had in here) don't look too deeply at someone's character.

I've seen a lot of threads where women are talking about a new boyfriend. The pro list is that he's tall, good looking, is a high earner and pays for her to go to expensive restaurants or buys expensive gifts. But the cons are he makes fun of her, is sexting other women or is uncaring when she's ill and she wonders if she should stick with him.

I think that, sometimes, the signs are there but some people are looking at the wrong things.

No.

People who value working hard should not get into relationships with people who believe 'there's more to life than work' and use this as an excuse for laziness or hedonism.

People who want to work 50 hours a week should not get into relationships with people who value lots of time spent together outside of work.

People who value earning money and building wealth should not get into relationships with people who think that money doesn't matter.

People who value careers that have a purpose and doing good in the world should not get into relationships with people who value earning money above all, even if by questionable moral means.

I think being aligned on values is infinitely more important.

My DH is much cleverer than me (masters degree) and out earns me (now) - should he have chosen a different wife?

I think @ThisLimeMoose if we do it your way everyone will be in silos which is never a good thing

Myahe not but you can choose who you commit to a life and family with.

Agree. Also women have good careers too these days. No idea why all the posts are about clever high male earners.🤔

DH and I are not plough horses, but agree with the principle. But attitudes to money are more important that how much you have.

Equal overall, yes, but not in all things it's about strengths and weakness in ways that compliment each other. There's no point both being good and bad at the same things.

Nah, marry someone who makes you feel your life is interesting satisfying and better than it could ever have been without them. Be the same for them.

I couldn’t be more unevenly matched. Different race, culture, social class, education, religion, fitness/physique, politics, work, …very much the best decision I ever made.

I’ve never heard this expression; although I could infer meaning from the context. Is it a local expression?

I don't understand really. No I don't think that dating someone differently 'yoked' means your relationship will be a disaster. But you do need at least a few fundamental things in common.

But how are you supposed to know if you're 'yoked' the same without getting to know eachother well? As you can see I have never heard that word used before!