Am I wrong? Teen daughter

[alwayscryinh]

Please be honest
my nearly 17 year old is being challenging I’d say most of this year.
shes fixated on boys (not the best boys) she failed all her GCSEs however I paid for private tutoring running up to them to help her (it broke me financially)
I had to fight & fight to get her onto the college course she desired because of this. I do so much for her. Girly days, long talks, she’s well provided for. You name it.
lots of little problems like her washing will pile up. I have to get her going with that stuff and she tells me you wanted to be a mum it’s what you signed up for. Just disrespect. There’s so many little scenarios I can’t be bothered to mention
anyway tonight she’s been at her dads for fireworks.
she came back at 9 he dropped her off.
she banged on the door multiple times and continuously rang the doorbell. It woke my 2 year old up who she knew was in bed. I’ve been very ill all week with tonsillitis and I’d just settled him to sleep in bed.
he’s now running around the landing. I said did u have to do that??? What is going through your head!!?? And she said your vile your in a shit mood again.
I said if your gonna be like that and disrespect me just go back to your dads. (He was outside in car)
she stomped upstairs loud on every step packed a bag and left. Her dad also called me vile.
honestly I’m sat here so upset. Questioning myself. I’m not perfect but she’s wearing me out so much. Was I wrong x

It seems like every single person who gets divorced has to have more children with no regard to the ones they already have. She sounds angry with you.

Good for you. She needs to grow up and stop acting so inconsiderate and disrespectful. Let her stay with her Dad. When she is ready to act like an adult and treat you as a human she can maybe come back.
Do not tolerate her crap.

Yes YABU, very unreasonable. I get that you were tired and not feeling well. We can all be snappy in those circumstances but you must see that the way you spoke to her was very inflammatory. When she said you're in a bad mood again thats your cue as an adult to say yes, sorry im just really tired and not feeling well but instead you double down and throw her out of the house. Masdive overreaction. Also pretty much all teens have messy rooms and leave washing building up. I just grab it and throw it in the machine. Its really not a big deal.

If you’re responding to the poster who gave the advice on conflict resolution then I think that was helpful advice. I’m not 100% clear what you meant but is it that you think the strategies she’s suggested are ones you would only use with a younger child?

If so, I don’t think those strategies only apply to younger children but do understand the apparent contradiction of ‘she’s almost an adult’. What I wanted to say is that I find it helpful to think of teenagers as being in a category of their own. They are almost adults in years, but hormonally and in brain development they absolutely aren’t. Honestly, in some ways they can seem closer to toddlers in their reactions - obviously it’s much more nuanced than that, but I think there’s truth in what the poster was saying about being the adult. Saying ‘be the adult’ isn’t a criticism. It’s saying take your power as an adult with your adult brain and think through the best strategies for moving forward with your daughter.

She has been unreasonable, absolutely. You have my sympathy with the toddler/teenager combination! If you can have some strategies that both (1) de-escalate and (2) enforce clear boundaries then it might help. I was once advised to save my emotion for the good things with teenagers, and respond calmly, clearly and consistently to the bad. This wasn’t in a parenting context, but it was helpful.

Are you often in a bad mood? From her point of view if you are it must be pretty crap to always come back to you huffing. It sounds like she had a good evening with her dad, came home happy not really thinking about your toddlers bed time(which is pretty normal when you aren't a mum) and then was greeted by fun sponge mum again having a go at her from the second she walked in.

Teenagers can be thoughtless, I have 2 of them but I don't think you would like it if someone jumped down your throat the second you walked in the door because you didn't know what was going on inside the house. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and accept that your irritation is yours to deal with.

OP ignore the holier than thou bollocks being posted and get yourself back to bed after settling the bairn. Your daughter can stay at her dad's tonight for some breathing space.

Tbh if he thinks he can do a better job. He can have a shot for a.bit.

All the times you just throw their washing in the machine, you’re not teaching them to be independent. His forbid your dropped dead tomorrow. I want my kids to be self serving. It’s a hard world out there. And things really are a big deal. So it starts with the small things. I don’t support lazy!!!!!!

So if I go out my way to irritate you .. you’d let me get away with it and blame yourself for being irritated 😂 are you from earth? Hello????

Thankyou. Somebody from earth. Xxx

Op you’re being quite combative with everyone. People are just trying to help, as per your request.

hi darling I know you just banged the door down and woke the whole house up at 9pm and your often a total cunt to me, but it’s absolutely my fault I’m in a mood now would you like a cheese sandwich 🤣 wake uppppppppppp

Seems like every kid on this planet has no regard for anything!! Oh look I got divorced so now I must close my legs and have no life and completely devote myself to the one child I had. Life on pause til I’m dead. 🤣 SHUTUP.

Let her dad have her for a bit - as pp said he won't do all the stuff you do and she will realise, hopefully, that she either has to buck up and sort herself out or apologise to come back to live with you.

She is nearly 18 though, so I would be talking to her about moving out and realistically what she needs to do. I'd say you need to discuss it because she clearly wants her own space and you don't want to keep butting heads. Make a plan and set a goal deadline for her to be out.

I know it isn't popular on here but I left home at 17 and worked in McDonalds while I did A'Levels in a flat share with my friend. If she isn't doing FE she can work full time and flat share too.

Why doesn’t she have a key to her own home at 17? Why did it take so long for someone to let her in?

from your replies you sound like a sulky, stroppy teen yourself.

She sounds pretty awful to live with, but the impression you give is that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, though I get you may just be riled from this evening’s events. Agree it will probably do you both good for her to spend some time at her dad’s.

You have a baby when she was 15? Is that child’s father with you? Does she get on with him? That does seem like an event that would tip the majority of teens into a bit of a funk with their parent. What were the circumstances? Has family life always been loud and a bit chaotic? Would family counseling to give you both some tools that could make things easier?

It sounds like she was very glad to be home and couldn't wait to get in. Id tread gently if I were you because you wouldn't know what her dad could be telling her or what happened. It mightnt be anything to do with you.

She might be struggling to get her head around something. The teenage years can be a funny time too, hormone wise. If it gets too much, put boundaries of course but no harm checking in with her to see if anythings wrong or if she wants to talk about anything

I was actually quite on your side and going to say as long as she is safe with her dad then that seems the best place for her for both of you arm. Then I read your replies on here. Could never guess in a million years where she learned to talk to you like shi*t when that’s how you talk to people. Apple doesn’t fall far and all that

i assume this is sarcasm ?

not really on topic but with a teen out and about, not yet home, why was the door locked?
this is when keyless entry is worthwhile.