Am I wrong? Teen daughter

[alwayscryinh]

Please be honest
my nearly 17 year old is being challenging I’d say most of this year.
shes fixated on boys (not the best boys) she failed all her GCSEs however I paid for private tutoring running up to them to help her (it broke me financially)
I had to fight & fight to get her onto the college course she desired because of this. I do so much for her. Girly days, long talks, she’s well provided for. You name it.
lots of little problems like her washing will pile up. I have to get her going with that stuff and she tells me you wanted to be a mum it’s what you signed up for. Just disrespect. There’s so many little scenarios I can’t be bothered to mention
anyway tonight she’s been at her dads for fireworks.
she came back at 9 he dropped her off.
she banged on the door multiple times and continuously rang the doorbell. It woke my 2 year old up who she knew was in bed. I’ve been very ill all week with tonsillitis and I’d just settled him to sleep in bed.
he’s now running around the landing. I said did u have to do that??? What is going through your head!!?? And she said your vile your in a shit mood again.
I said if your gonna be like that and disrespect me just go back to your dads. (He was outside in car)
she stomped upstairs loud on every step packed a bag and left. Her dad also called me vile.
honestly I’m sat here so upset. Questioning myself. I’m not perfect but she’s wearing me out so much. Was I wrong x

do you pay for her phone or give her an allowance.

I would stop them until jobs such as washing completed.

fin’t care how vile she thinks you are .

set some boundaries. Don’t let her treat you like dirt in her shoe.

hit her where it hurts (internet WiFi password, phone or money ) whatever will ‘motivate’ her to start bringing a bit more polite and amenable.

fin.mt fall for the ‘all teams are selfish’ they can only be like this if you allow it.

Doubt dad will do everything for her like you do, I’m sure she’ll come crawling back.

She sounds spoilt. However she’s been at her dads, so probably didnt quite realise how delicate the sleeping situation was with her sibling, having a go at her and telling her to leave wasn’t the right choice in my opinion. Why couldn’t she let herself in with key though?

Ouch
Just go back to your dads?

How can she do that stuff when she’s just kicked her back out to her dads?

Yes, you are unreasonable. Very unreasonable.

Pretty sure she’ll be back soon enough when not getting her own way there - then definitely time to sending firm boundaries.

This is built up though. I am a human being not just mum and the stress level she gives me is horrible.

Is this linked to the birth of her little brother? Is she jealous? Or thinks you don’t care about her anymore so is pushing back?

I mean she could just be in the horrible teen phase but if there’s any way you can figure out what precipitated her behaviour change it might help

You don’t have to just take her crap, you clearly need firmer boundaries. But telling her to leave her home isn’t a good choice, especially in an argument about a younger sibling. Does she not have a key to the house?

Let her dad do his job and he can parent her. I’m sure it won’t last long before she’s back on your doorstep.

From the way you describe the interaction it seems like you might be helped with some support in communication and conflict resolution. Have you ever looked into any of this?

She carelessly woke the baby up by ringing the doorbell, but your reaction of “what is going through your head?!?” immediately escalated the situation.

Then she reacted to that tone, “you’re in a shit mood again” (which sounds like you were to be fair), and then instead of de-escalating it by saying something like “you’re right, I’m really tired and sick and I snapped just then because I’d just gotten him down and I’m desperate to rest. But I know you didn’t mean to wake the toddler and probably just forgot so I’m sorry for snapping. Let’s reset - welcome home, how were fireworks?”

You chose to say she should just go and stay at her dads! The ultimate rejection and withdrawal of love! So she did.

You’re the adult and she’s the 17 year old so it’s on you to read up on conflict resolution and be the change you want to see in your relationship.

There are so many free resources out there, even instagram is awash heaps of helpful accounts offering relationship and conflict resolution advice. I really like the account Meet the Freemans - it’s marriage advice but their conflict resolution stuff definitely applies to all family relationships.

Definitely don’t cut off her phone etc - she’s almost an adult and you need to work on your actual relationship rather than resorting to punishments to get the behaviour you want.

“Almost an adult” but still needs treating like she’s 5? Right. Got ya.

Why does she not have a key?

The pp was trying to give you a productive response and she has a point about how the conversation went down.

you’re obviously feeling unwell so try and get some rest and look at things with a fresher head in the morning. Can your partner deal with DS tonight?

This is about your toddler.
Go to counselling together. She is feeling replaced.

She sounds like a very troubled girl!

Were you not expecting her back this evening? Why couldn't she get into the house when she came back from Dad's?
Where is the 2 yr old's Dad?

Anyway, don't worry about things like washing. If she doesn't do whatever you expect her to do with it, just leave it until she has nothing to wear.

Don't try to micromanage her, she's nearly 17. But do insist on good manners (on both sides) and put in consequences such as not paying for her phone if she is rude to you.

I would drop her a very nice message in the morning (so she can't say you are being vile) and say sorry that you both argued, but you have tonsillitis at the moment so it's probably best she stays at her dad's for a while to avoid catching it. You have also reflected on some of the things she said and you can understand that she feels the way she does, so going forward you are going to try to give her more independence and autonomy.

Then take a very very big step backwards.

If her washing piles up, so be it. She will no doubt recognise what a washing machine looks like.

Let her deal with the college scenario, only get involved if she asks for help, or let her dad sort it out.

Just stop pandering to her and let her sort her own shit out!

I said the opposite of this. Treating her like she’s 5 would be the PP’s advising you to have consequences, take her wifi away, stop paying phone etc (aka taking a toy away as a punishment like you might if you were parenting a five year old badly).

I’m advising you to look holistically at your relationship and examine how your every day conversations and requests seem to escalate into conflicts - what are the triggers? How can you learn to de-escalate things and in doing so teach your daughter how to do this too. An important life skill that will serve her well.

No, of course you weren’t wrong. You did sign up to be a mum. And part of being a mum is ensuring that they learn boundaries, abide by rules and how not to be a complete arsehole. Signing up to be a mum does not mean you become the domestic slave and verbal punching bag of your child.

Forget about what her dad said; he’s just enjoying the opportunity to have a jab. In a couple of weeks, he’s going to have to deal with that side of her and you’ll get to make eye contact with him, knowing that he knows exactly what you’re thinking, and you won’t have to say anything.

I think this is potentially quite a good thing because it’s going to force a discussion between you. There could be so many reasons why she’s behaving like this, from teenage hormones to having a younger sibling to potentially your own hormones starting to wind down right as hers are ramping up to full blast. Give it tonight, then text her tomorrow, tell her you love her and you’re ready to talk when she is.

Let her washing pile up. It’s up to her whether she has clean clothes. Why didn’t she have a key to get in? You need to set some firm boundaries.

Let her stay at her dads until you're better. Then once you've got your strength back you're going to have to lay down the law. She needs to start pulling her weight - and suffer the consequences when she doesn't. She's nearly an adult so you've not got long to turn this around but you can do it.

I read your post the other day about the vile abusive man who is the father of your 2 year old and who sleeps on a mattress in your living room. Do you not think he is part of the problem?

Wonder how he treats the poor daughter since the mum invited him into their lives.

She is pushing you and testing you. You need to reassure her that she matters to you. I mean, don't stand for rudeness, but recognise what's behind her bad behaviour.