How do i solve this? Am I in the wrong?

[Whatdpidoooo]

My sister lives in canada with her DH and DD.
I have just bought my first home in the UK.
My parents live in a different european country.
We are all basically scattered and always have been.
My sister is fuming with me bevause she is going home with her family to my parents house for Christmas and because I have just bought my first home, I have decided to stay here and do Christmas with my DP instead.
The reason she is upset is because she feels that she has spent thousands on coming back home for Christmas and I cant even "be bothered" to get on a two hour flight. I understand what shes saying. She also begrudges the fact that I have only been out to see her once in the years shes been out there, but the truth is I'm skint - she knows this. I can't even afford a two week summer holiday in Europe, let alone buying a ticket to Canada.
The other thing is that my mum always said that the first home I buy, we would do Christmas at mine, because it would be nice for me and because shes sick of convoluted Christmas logistics and hosting. So the plan was we would do Christmas at mine, except my sister wanted to "go home for Christmas".
That was fine, I accepted that with good grace.
The other small (but irritating to me) detail is that when they go home, they take my mums only spare room (my sis and her family), which means that me, my DB and whoever else is there has to sleep on couches or get an Airbnb etc.

Anyway, I tried tk send her a heartfelt message explaining my position and she just said "No. I'm done, [my name]."

Im really upset and I want to know honestly: am I in the wrong here?

Exactly. And maybe coordinate with your siblings BEFORE booking. You can't assume that because you're free, they will be available when you've booked for your convenience / school holiday dates. It might not be free time for them.

So your sister was supposed to come to you for Xmas but flys to another country instead and gets cross because you don’t follow her rescheduled plans

then she tries to say you’re in the wrong and she is done

ud say

bye then

100%

Go and see your sister, niece and mother at the family house in Europe.

When you have your own children it will be very difficult financially and logistically to stay in touch with your family on an in-person basis, and difficult for your future child to see their cousin, aunt and grandmother.

International flights for a family at seasonal peak times are astronomical and equivalent to you refitting your bathroom. Go.

OP is skint, she is better off saving her money for her own Christmas.

Im going against the grain because I think you are in the wrong. You sister is disappointed because she would like to see her family together - she is perhaps being a bit dramatic but I think she is likely just wanting to see as many people as possible as if they have a child I imagine visits 'home' are not frequent for many reasons.

YOur mum "always" saying you would all go to yours when you first bought a house for Christmas - really? Or did she just say that in the last few months or so as a suggestion while you were buying a house. It doesn't really seem the most practical for all the family unless you have bought a mansion as your first house.

If you sister has a child it makes sense they would have the room at your mums too I should think.

I think you are the one that is making yourself sound a bit of a victim here and everyone else would just like the family to get together in the most straightforward way. Generally everyone has to make a bit of a compromise. Your sister will be spending by far the most money to visit I can see why she would want to be able to do as much as she can.

Your text doesn't require a reply so we can let her off the hook on that one.

Did she check what your plans were before she booked her flights or did she just assume that you'd fall into line? I can understand her being disappointed if she had a large family gathering in mind but she needed to communicate that before making concrete plans.

She sounds like a drama queen but at the same time she obviously does really want to see more of you so don't write her off completely.

If she’s the one reaching out to you 90% of the time and it feels like you can also never meet her that 10% of the journey and visit at your mums for a day or two when she flies in from Canada she’s just realising you don’t want to make any effort with her.
It’s tough realising you’re the only sibling willing to put work in to keep family ties.

It’s very difficult to maintain good relationships while living in different countries. It just isn’t possible to meet up if moneys a problem. I would keep repeating the truth every time I’m asked to fly home or to visit sister, I’m really sorry but I cannot afford it. Ignore all her messages, she’s trying to get a rise out of you .what’s wrong with keeping in touch once a week on a one hour zoom call?

I’m really surprised by these replies.

Your sister is coming all the way from Canada and you can’t be bothered to take a short flight to see her?

You’re also expecting her and her family (which I’m assuming means kids), your mum, your DB and ‘whoever else’ to come to you instead of you all instead and just you and DP going to your mums.

You’re upset because you wanted to show them your new home but now you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face and refusing to see any of your family over it.

You and DP can have your own Christmas celebration on a different day.

Don’t miss out on seeing your sister and her kids.

You have to realise that some of us don't enjoy travel and find it very stressful and exhausting. We rarely travel around Christmas now because it's such a miserable experience even just driving a significant distance. I think that this sister moved a long distance away without really thinking about the implications and that's not OPs fault.

But OP is expecting her sister, partner and kids, mum, brother and whoever else to travel to her - which is really unfair.

The fairest solution is to all meet at the mums, where OP has the shortest journey.

I agree. It sounds like she’s that one person a lot of families have, who somehow manages to get everyone dancing to their tune, because when you push back the fallout is nuclear. People are too afraid of the consequences of saying no, so this one person manages to control and dominate every scenario - but always from the point of view of trying to be nice, or putting themselves out for everyone else. They’re both bully and victim rolled into one.

I had exactly the same with my DSis (whom I love and cherish dearly, but who wasn’t always the easiest, especially when our kids were young). Christmas in particular was a real hot button for her - she always had a fixed idea of how things were going to be and would control everything, particularly where and how my parents would spend their time, constantly edging out me and my children in favour of her own family. The issue I had, and which you clearly do, is that my parents were equally reluctant to say no, and would immediately drop or rearrange plans we’d already made in order to fit in with whatever she’d decided.

It sounds like your mum and dad have fallen in with your sister unquestioningly - it won’t even have occurred to them that they’ve let you down or that they should prioritise you and honour your original agreement instead. I know how much that realisation hurts, but in my case I understood that it was easier to let it go rather than trying to fight to change a dynamic established over a lifetime. I just accepted that certain things were die-in-a-ditch important to my DSis, and that I needed to step back and take the emotion out of it on my part. It was less about my parents not loving me as much, and more about them not wanting to risk imploding the whole family by telling my sister ‘no’. So I effectively adopted a ‘let them’ attitude (before that was even a thing!), which was very freeing.

It shouldn’t mean you don’t get to do what you want to do though, OP. All you can do is reiterate the situation to her, as you’ve done here. Emphasise that you love her very much, but you won’t be doing what she’s decided you’re doing, and step back. Good luck - I know how tricky this is to navigate and how much inner turmoil it brings 💐

When did you last see your sister? If you’re not willing to alter your Christmas arrangements to see her this year, and last time she made the journey to Europe you weren’t able to make the time to meet up with her either, how long has it been since you’ve seen her?

What efforts are YOU making to try to sustain a sibling bond here? Fair enough if you’re not bothered about doing that, which may well be the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm from a geographically scattered family. When we moved (to a remote part of the UK), we knew that we would want to allocate time and money to visiting family. My parents then moved further away - from both the original family base and our new home - and we now allocate a chunk of our holiday time and money to visiting them once a year. (They would like more, and I think had visions of us going for long summers etc, but that isn't what we can/want to do.) It works OK, because we prioritise it.

My best friend moved to Australia 20 years ago (married an Aussie). When he comes over to the UK (which he has done a few times over recent years due to ageing parents' ill health etc), I absolutely prioritise seeing him and will shift things around in my own life as much as I can to do so. We are arranging our family holiday this year around their family visit and fitting in with their plans. Because seeing him and his family is an opportunity that I want to make the most of. There isn't anything in your post which implies you feel that way about your sister and I think that's what she's (badly!) expressing that she feels sad about. (I appreciate that you may feel that way about her and just feel totally constrained by your personal circumstances, or you may not feel that way about her - both of those things of course are fine and understandable!)

I think, as several PPs have said, the question of who is 'in the wrong' depends on the order that decisions were made and who they were communicated to. But, in essence, I don't think either of you are unreasonable to feel how you do about it - it's just hard that those feelings don't align.

It sounded like a conversation had been had where it was agreed that there would be a Christmas at the OPs new home. Diva sister has decided to change everyone's plans to what suits her and if I'd been looking forward to a no travel Christmas I'd be telling her where to go.

She sounds very self centred. She basically wants fanfare becasue she's arrived! It's extremely unreasonable to move to Canada and expect people to visit frequently, or just fall in line with what you want becasue you've decided to travel to Europe, at Christmas or any other time. She chose to move there!

You are entitled to have the Christmas you want and can afford and after a house move, it's completely understandable that money (and energy) are depleted. Your parents have got in the habit of pandering to her becasue she's a pain in the arse.

I'd robustly, but not unkindly, continue to push back.

I think it is harsh for people to say OP can't be bothered. She has said she's skint. Moving house is expensive. Christmas at her parents would involve buying flights relatively last minute and probably costs of staying in an airbnb as there is no room for her. Plus presumably flights for her DP - if they are committed enough to get a house together they probably want to spend Christmas together.

It doesn't sound like her sister checked with her before deciding to pay for all her family to come over from Canada, just assumed. Plans like that should be made well in advance e.g. "I'd love to see everyone this year... would it work if we came for Christmas or would another holiday be better? @Whatdpidoooo are you planning on visiting mum and dad at any point?"

@Whatdpidoooo if I were you I would probably look to see if flights are cheaper at any point during the holiday, and if you can afford it go without your DP for a day or two. If you don't see them you will have very little relationship with your nieces and nephews. However if you can't afford it there's nothing to be done.

Err, OP's sister moved across the world - I'm assuming no-one forced her to? That's on her.

Or, more sensibly, an economy ticket.

If you can't afford it op, you can't afford it.

I do think the later post where you said you didn't manage to see her another time because you were in the wrong headspace probably does cast a slightly different light on her getting fed up this time.

Maybe it feels to her as though you always find an excuse to avoid spending the time?

Perhaps I'd concede that you understand she may be feeling that, and clarify that it really is the money and you'd been really hoping they would all come to you - and ask them to reconsider that.