How do i solve this? Am I in the wrong?

[Whatdpidoooo]

My sister lives in canada with her DH and DD.
I have just bought my first home in the UK.
My parents live in a different european country.
We are all basically scattered and always have been.
My sister is fuming with me bevause she is going home with her family to my parents house for Christmas and because I have just bought my first home, I have decided to stay here and do Christmas with my DP instead.
The reason she is upset is because she feels that she has spent thousands on coming back home for Christmas and I cant even "be bothered" to get on a two hour flight. I understand what shes saying. She also begrudges the fact that I have only been out to see her once in the years shes been out there, but the truth is I'm skint - she knows this. I can't even afford a two week summer holiday in Europe, let alone buying a ticket to Canada.
The other thing is that my mum always said that the first home I buy, we would do Christmas at mine, because it would be nice for me and because shes sick of convoluted Christmas logistics and hosting. So the plan was we would do Christmas at mine, except my sister wanted to "go home for Christmas".
That was fine, I accepted that with good grace.
The other small (but irritating to me) detail is that when they go home, they take my mums only spare room (my sis and her family), which means that me, my DB and whoever else is there has to sleep on couches or get an Airbnb etc.

Anyway, I tried tk send her a heartfelt message explaining my position and she just said "No. I'm done, [my name]."

Im really upset and I want to know honestly: am I in the wrong here?

I don’t think you’re wrong necessarily, but I’m the sibling that lives across an ocean and I (and DH) have siblings that don’t make any effort to see us when we spend a fortune of money and time to visit our childhood homes. After many years of this, we no longer bother with those siblings 🤷‍♀️

There’s nothing more tiresome than family that move halfway across the world then throw a tantrum that the world doesn’t revolve around their holiday plans.

Let her be grumpy and ask your mum to stick to her promise of visiting you at Christmas.

Congratulations on buying your first home!! It is a big milestone and it’s so nice being in your own place for Christmas.

I’m the overseas sister in my family, and I think your sister is being ridiculous (and her messages sound pretty horrible). It sounds like she decided to travel after you bought your house and wanted you to change your plans, and your parents have gone along with that? I’d be telling them I’m disappointed and that I wanted them to come to my house the following year.

It isn’t your fault she moved away, and your life doesn’t revolve around her wants! I would stop apologising to her, you have done nothing wrong. To expect you to pay for flights and accommodation at Christmas - and book in November - is just utterly unreasonable. We travel at Christmas most of the time and it costs an arm and a leg, and is way more stressful overall. I love the years we have Christmas in our own home.

It sounds to me like she’s older, hit certain milestones eg partner and kids first, and can’t get her head around the fact that you are doing the same and are an equal adult to her. Painful for you but that doesn’t make you wrong. You don’t have to jump when she clicks her fingers.

Moving half way across the world is a massive two fingers up to family - why should they make an effort to see you if you don’t even care about living on the same side of the earth as them?

@Franjipanl8r It really isn't. People move abroad for many reasons, not to upset their families. If one of your children had a great opportunity elsewhere, you'd be happy for them. Of course you'd miss them, but you want the best for them.

My DD is currently a three-hour flight away and may be moving even further away (job opportunity). I'm thrilled that she's living her best life.

@Whatdpidoooo Buying a house is a huge financial outlay, doesn't she realize that money will be tight for you for a while? If she can't, she's being childish and out-of-touch.

We moved for economic reasons. No jobs, no opportunity for home ownership, no prospects of being able to afford kids. It was absolutely not two fingers up to a family that we miss every day.

Obviously most of them don’t miss us though!

@BruFord but when the OP’s mum needs help or care, it’ll be down to her to sort it out. It’s fine being happy for a child who moves away, but it’s too much to ask a sibling to be happy for another sibling moving very far away. It immediately dumps all future responsibilities onto the sibling that lives much closer.

@Franjipanl8r Or you arrange support and visit every few months. That's what I've done with my elderly Dad, we speak daily and I'm v. involved with his life and welfare. Technology has made this far more possible than in the past.

I don't know considering she is coming from Canada, I probably would take the opportunity to see her because you don't know when the next time will be. I'm pretty laid back though, so I would either offer to host so they come to you or I will accept there will be lots of Christmas is my new home but not lots with my sister so would make the sacrifice. You're not in the wrong to not want to change plans, but Christmas is about family and if it means having to go to my mum's to see her for the first time in years, than that is what I would do.

Your sister sounds manipulative and quite used to everything revolving around her. I can see why it’s making you sad and I agree it’s sad that your parents seem to let her away with it too. How are you feeling about your parents ditching the agreed plan to come to your new house for Xmas? I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about and you are perfectly entitled to make your own Xmas in your new house.

What order were the decisions made in? It sounds like you had a plan for Christmas at yours and then your sister insisted on changing that to Christmas at your mum’s. Which would be unreasonable of her. But if there wasn’t a set agreement, plans were made for her to pay to travel to mum’s, and then you announced you weren’t going, I could potentially see her side… she might feel she could have come the following year if she’d known it wouldn’t be an all-family thing this year.

You are definitely not unreasonable not travelling to Canada. I totally get simply not being able to afford travel and as the one that moved far away the effort and expense is on her to travel back I think. Within reason I guess… for me that reason would be clearly communicated plans that aren’t suddenly changed so she knows what she’s spending and making the effort for.

Edited to ask - has she explicitly declined coming to you? I’m assuming you offered to host her as well as your mum so there was the possibility of a family Christmas.

What a load of rubbish. You can’t have children and expect them to stay living in the same village/area as you!

Yes I live abroad and unless I go home to see my family, I don’t see them. Which I accept as it was my choice to leave.

Hi OP. I can see it from both sides. It would be different if your parents were down the road but since you’d also have to fly to another country and have the expense involved, I can see why you’d want to stay in your new home. I can also see if from your sisters side but she’s probably just upset she won’t get to see you.

She's being a bit manipulative, minimising your feelings and desires. I bet she's the older sibling?!
It's unkind of her to leave you feeling bad and not acknowledge that.

It bugs me when people move abroad and then think everything revolves around their special situation. No, its their choice, they have to accept the consequences. I have this dynamic with DB, he tries to guilt trip me.

I can see why she’s hurt if she’s been ‘home’ from Canada twice and you didn’t go. It’s a long flight and must cost an arm and a leg in comparison to a 2 hour European flight. I suppose your parent’s house is mutual ground and the natural place to meet.

However, if the money is genuinely not there, it’s not there after moving house. Being summoned is annoying and she did make the decision to live a long way from home, thus suffer the consequences of very little family contact in person.

For the sake of a short flight, and a nod to your sisters second trip I would likely go for 1 night, early flight out and late flight back, to see your sister. Your partner does not need to come, one night on the sofa won’t do too much damage and hand luggage would suffice. It could be anytime over her stay, doesn’t need to be the main festive period. I would explain financial and time constraints prevents a longer stay. If they wanted anymore they would have to contribute financially, or it be presented as a Xmas gift.

Unless you actively invited your parents at Christmas and they declined to host your sister I wouldn’t read too much into their decision to stay. It’s likely they will see you far more often than a child that lives in Canada and probably assumed you would come.

You can't afford it. It's that simple. She's being incredibly immature, but sadly all this "no contact" stuff is quite in vogue in Canada and who knows what she's being exposed to.

She sounds like a right self absorbed pain in the arse, OP. Let her have her petulant little strop. Who cares. Don’t stroke her ego by telling her how sad she makes you.

We lived abroad, quite far, for many years. We made the effort, always. It was our choice to fuck off on other side of the world.

This has nothing to do with living abroad and everything with your sister being a selfish madam. Ignore them all and have a nice Christmas.

No nice normal person demands or expects things from another person as a right. Toddlers do but not adults.
Do other people in your family do this? Do you?
The Irish people have an expression for this, tell her to cop on.
Have you ever had such expectations of her?
You can’t change her but you can change your response.
You are allowed to tell her she is being ridiculous, unreasonable etc etc
congratulations on buying your new home and enjoy your Christmas!