For not lending money to my sister

[BabydollDance]

My sister has unfortunately flooded her house by leaving a tap when filling the bath. It’s damaged flooring up and down, the ceiling and some furniture. She has now told me that she isn’t insured and can’t afford to pay for everything so has asked for money from us.

We don’t lend money due to previously not getting it back when we have lent it to others. We have given her money a few times before when she had a problem, the last time was about 5 years ago. Her children were still living with her then so I felt more need to help.

We aren’t particularly close but keep in touch. I’ve said we can’t help her this time but she has told our father and he has now asked us to help her. We told him we are not helping her again but he keeps bringing it up. He isn’t in a position to help her through his own incompetence with money. I’ve said she will have to get a loan or put it on a credit card. She works part time and says she can’t work more due to her health and paid off her mortgage a few years ago so can live ok until a big bill like this comes in. AIBU to not lend her money?

Don't lend you said you are not close. Has she ever done anything to help you out? Its nothing to do with your dad either.

Just keep telling her and your father that you dont have that kind of money to lend her.

The repairs aren't urgent. They can wait until she's saved the money

It’s nothing to do with your dad.

If you're responsible enough to own a home you are responsible enough to pay for insurance for exactly this type of situation. She will either have to take out a loan or live with it until she can save up for it as it doesn't sound like the home is uninhabitable.

It's clearly not lending her money is it? It's giving it to her. And if you do this, what happens when her boiler breaks down, or her washing machine stops working, or her roof needs a repair, or she has an accident in her car? Living 'ok apart from when big bills come along' is not a sustainable or long term plan and bailing her out won't help her make a plan.

In a practical sense I'm not sure they can do much anyway until it's dried out. If I was feeling generous I might pay for a dehumidifier as if it doesn't get dried out properly it will only make the problem a lot worse (I realise this contradicts what I said above).

As above re insurance.
I'd say: I don't have spare money to pay for this (actually I was hoping you might see your way to giving us some as you have paid your mortgage), and last time I gave or loaned money I did not receive it back.
Then I'd tell your Dad to mind his own business. I don;t have money because of x bills and the insurance we pay. Actually I was hoping for a loan from you...this will stop him. Hopefully.
I'd also say to her she might want to review her stance re insurance - what if the house had burned down.

Nope. She should have insurance and she should have a buffer of something if she chooses not to have insurance. Owning a house can be expensive, not just the mortgage. I get times are had but small amounts saved add up. Or she will have to get a loan/credit card etc.

Everything has gone up and you are in no position to loan or rather give here more money when you’ve already done so in the past. I’m the person in my family that come to me for money but it’s £10/20 mostly and it does get paid back. But it annoys me cos i’m the only me with a mortgage and i’m not on that much more money! i’m just good at saving!

She can walk on damaged flooring, below damaged ceilings, surrounded by damaged furniture, until she can pay to fix and replace.

Thank you. They know we could afford it and I feel like we are always thought of as a bank when things go bad for them. I know you can’t plan for everything and that is why we have helped her in the past, but when she could have just been paying a fairly small sum monthly for insurance to cover this, it’s really annoying to be asked to pay.

She has had the damage assessed and has been told the floors are unsafe, which obviously I would feel terrible if she was hurt, but it’s not my responsibility to sort out. I have only seen a couple of photos, I’ve not seen it in real life but I think it is bad.

Nope.

Being unable to tap you for the money should focus her mind on getting home insurance ASAP.
She sounds like a bit of a user.

Tell Dad he can lend her the money out of his pocket - not yours.

Nope.

Imo once you are a grown ass adult you deal with your own shit. No one else is coming to bail you out. So you arrange basic house insurance - or you accept that you'll need to pay for damage out your own pocket.

If you are dumb enough to leave taps running (must have been a long time to do that much damage) then you'll need to deal with the consequences. She's not a helpless child.

And your Dad sounds interfering. Tell him to take a loan to help her out if he's that concerned. Otherwise he can butt out.

She will just have to choose to work a few more hours and save up to pay for it. Home and contents insurance is not a lot of money and can be paid monthly.

If people are really stupid and don't get insurance, then not your problem.

My dm leaned heavily on her dsis for money. Caused many issues in our family. When aunt died she left dm not a sausage. Probably figured she'd had her share well in advance over the years...
And when dgm died before that dm was estranged from her also as dm felt her dm had sided against her over money..
Was a real mess. After dgms funeral I saw my dm creeping into the church gates.
Very sad.

Her own stupid fault for not having insurance. If you let them use you as a cash cow, that's how they'll continue to see you.

I'd offer her a £5-er and say take it or leave it - then block her.

Your father "isn’t in a position to help her through his own incompetence with money." And your sister CHOSE not to have insurance.

"They know we could afford it and I feel like we are always thought of as a bank when things go bad for them."
I think that's exactly how they're thinking about it (hence not prioritising insurance). So no, I would not be lending her the money either. And let's face it, it wouldn't be a loan - how could she pay you back? Insurance would have been best, next port of call should be a bank loan - but of course a bank cannot be guilted into not seeking repayment. Tough shit. <hard stare>

Plus I'd probably be telling the pair of them, explicitly, that they should not be regarding my money as their insurance policy. Which I rather think they are.

My guess is that we aren't talking a small amount of money here.

It doesn't sound like she has the means to pay it back either.

I wonder what water damage would damage the floors. I mean it might warp the floorboards I guess but to me that would be largely cosmetic/easy to replace just by ripping the old ones out and hammering in new ones.

If it is damaging the beams that actually hold the floors up surely that is going to be big money.

Did she pay back the last money you lent her ?

Nope.

As PP i would buy her a dehumidifier and advise if she can't afford repairs she should sell it and buy a flat maybe with the proceeds. And insure it this time.

Someone will buy any property if its at the right price.

If you have that much damage you probably need an array of industrial dehumidifiers.

I know someone who had a mains leak only for an hour or so and needed three industrial dehumidifiers to dry the house out for a week.

The electricity for them costs a small fortune as well.

I just wouldn't. I mean she's managed to pay off her mortgage. Who doesn't have insurance? What if it burned down?
She needs to grow the feck up.

Definitely a no, tell her she needs to get some DIY books and sort it when she's able. You are not on earth to bankroll relatives.

This. She will just have to work full time again like most people do. If she could not afford the insurance then she couldn’t actually afford to be part time. If it’s a genuine health thing then she can explore PIP etc

What is people’s obsession with going part time or quitting work when they can’t actually afford it. Then want other people to subsidise them? I push back on an aunt and a neighbour who try to do this