Do they just not get it?

[Bernie23]

I work full time in a stressful job. Husband works 4 days a week . Leaves house at approx 6.40am and not back until 5.45pm
I get our 2 children up & out to school every day, bring one to bus stop in car, back home to bring other to school before I go to work. I remember all school event days, remember when instruments needed, organize Halloween / Christmas costumes, do homeworks, try to do dinner, do after school pick ups, organise & do hair/gp dental appointments. Think ahead about & organise or question any days we need additional childcare.
He does do a pick up from an activity on one evening during week and then on Friday when he’s off.
I have recently stopped going to my gym classes as feeling too much pressure to get things done before going & help support one of my children doing exams. (Too tired then after)
He goes to his own fitness workouts 2-3 times a week. They don’t really eat into time at home as two of them are very early at weekend. I was going to one of them at weekend at 9am. My daughter has to go somewhere at 10.15 so rushing to get back. It’s up to me to make sure she’s up & ready before we would leave for the class so she’s ready to walk out the door when we get back. I was doing it but today I didn’t push her to get ready. He got up at 8.25 and asked why I wasn’t going.. said she could get herself ready and then said I was making out that he was doing the wrong thing by going on to the class.
Ive recently stated counselling and my counsellor has said that I never seem to do anything for me. She’s right but he doesn’t seem to get it or see it. When I say anything he just says he can’t do anything as that’s his work. How does this change or is it just the norm?

What you allow will continue.

Your husband is selfish. Hes going to continue to please himself and youre going to continue to do everything. Your resentment will grow and the relationship will eventually fail. Youre already in counselling. Seriously stop doing everything and prioritise time for yourself.

My 8yr old daughter is well able to dress herself and make some toast or a bowl of cereal. I have to do her hair for her but thats it. Your 10yr old can sort herself in the morning.

Sounds about right. Men dont get it

Do you work?

how old are the kids? One is 10. Is the other one older or younger?

it’s going to get easiee as the kids become more self sufficient

How old are the children?

It sounds like he can so more OP! Your DD is 10 though and can surely get herself ready?

Who signed your dc up for the class-you or him? Maybe if it was you then you need to take respondibility for taking her and the kid needs to take responsibility for being ready!
To be fair to him, you complain you do all the school runs monday to Thursday, but that is because your dp has to be off to work at 6.40!
Reading between the lines you seem to perhaps be overscheduled. How many activities a week are they doing?

OP, nobody appreciates a martyr. I grew up with a martyr for a mother. She still is and will be until the day it kills her. It's sort of annoying to hear her moan about having to do x, y and z. I say just don't do it but she can't not do it for some reason. Seeing her in action has definitely taught me to put myself first when necessary and not be afraid of saying no.

Your children should be getting themselves up at 10. It's about personal responsibility. If they don't get up then they don't go to x activity.

You need to take a harder line with what you want to do and what you don't want to do.

Spot on.
And being a slave for others isn't my norm and never had been, either.

Unfortunately this is the absolute norm in my life and whenever I delegate anything to DH he fucks it up just enough for me to either take it back or not give him any more.

Following for advice from anyone who has managed to force change effectively.

For example, if I give him the football pick up on a Saturday morning, he’ll ask me repeatedly over the week what time does he have to be there. What does he have to take. Where does he meet DC. Then he’ll be late or be in the wrong place and I just think don’t fucking bother…. Giving him a job off my list never actually lightens my load.

Drop the rope and start redirecting. DD says can you do x. Ask Dad. For everything. What’s for supper? Ask dad. We’ve run out of x. Tell Dad.
That and if they are 10+ they don’t need you to do 1/2 the stuff you do. A 3 year old can do their own washing.

Have a family meeting. Tell them you need to prioritize your own health so you are dropping the rope. Dad is to be the first and preferably only port of call.
Don’t assume I’m ever available. Check with Dad or find an alternative solution. I am the last resort.
And fucking mean it.

Surely you can see that this is your choice. Don’t pick up the consequences. If child and father can sort it out between the 2 of them it’s really not your problem to solve.

I don’t think a very good counsellor would voice opinions like that.
The idea is that you talk through any issues and find your way forward yourself. Not that they impart their view onto you.
I agree with people who suggest your daughter is old enough to get herself ready. At ten she absolutely should be anyway.
How far away is the bus stop too ?

Does sound like he could do more but I'm confused about the specifics of the Saturday morning class.

So both you and him planned to foa 9am gym class.
Your daughter then needed to be somewhere at 10.15

So assume class is close enough to get back and get her there in time.

So if you are.happy to leave her at home, then what sorting does she need ?
breakfast and get dressed and stuff together. A 10 year old should easily be able to do that

Some men will not do anything if they have a choice. So you have to make it impossible for him to say no. Tell him: “You go to activities for you x times per week. I get one or no chances to go. So, I am going to go straight from work on [day] and you will have to sort the kids and dinner. Thanks.”

Also discuss who does the time consuming chores, and when, and get him to pick one. Shopping/laundry/cleaning. Shopping and meal planning go together. The third domain you could share, eg you clean the downstairs and he changes beds and cleans upstairs.

If he still refuses to even out the domestic and mental loads, you know that he’s making that choice, and you can make choices based on that.

The problem with this approach is that it’s my kids that suffer and I’m not prepared to allow that.

They are gaining a healthy well-rounded child.

Multiple scientific studies highlight that children with both male and female parental role models have fewer mental health issues.

Multiple scientific studies highlight that single women are happier, healthier and wealthier (!) than married ones.

And... a 3 year old can do their own washing. Yeah, sure. 😅

Weaponised incompetence. I’d refuse to answer the question after a while: ‘I’ve answered you twice now, if I answer you again what action are you taking to make sure I dont have to answer you a fourth time? Then refuse to answer unless he is standing there with a paper and pen or phone notes or something similar. For the time, I might send him the nr of the coach or organiser and tell him to keep asking them if he can’t manage to know the time after being told repeatedly. For what to bring, I’d tell him again ask the organiser repeatedly if he needs to or work it out for himself like I did. If he forgets things, he’ll need to go back and get them won’t he. And I’d make him do it every time rather than let his behaviour get him what he wants. If he is late or in the wrong place, he needs to embarrass himself by being late every week or go to the right place after arriving at the wrong one each time.

Does he work full time but compresses into 4 days, or does he work part time? How many hours do you work compared to him? Apart from the grocery shopping, what else does he do around the house?

Unfortunately as long as you take that approach, it will never improve because he knows it. I might try ‘Do we need to stop DS’s football lessons because you can’t be bothered to get him there and back competently? How should we explain it to him? That you don’t care or that you are too lazy? Which would you prefer?

This is ridiculous to entertain such incompetence.

Add him to the WhatsApp group / forward the emails and tell him to sort it out. My stock answer is “I have no more information than you do”. If something isn’t clear from the organisers, he can message them.

ETA you need to give him the whole job. Football drop off, pick up, boots purchasing, the whole job. Then it’s truly his responsibility, the child knows who to ask, and your mind is free of it.

Send him insta vid by Alex Trippier, it explains the mental load from the male perspective.

Kids should not have to suffer because their idiot dad can't run a simple errand and check their calendar.

I could honestly scream for the lot of you. An employed adult man should not have any problems splitting family errands and household tasks. Blaming the 10yr old for not getting ready / needing a kick up the backside in the morning is unbelievable.