Do they just not get it?

[Bernie23]

I work full time in a stressful job. Husband works 4 days a week . Leaves house at approx 6.40am and not back until 5.45pm
I get our 2 children up & out to school every day, bring one to bus stop in car, back home to bring other to school before I go to work. I remember all school event days, remember when instruments needed, organize Halloween / Christmas costumes, do homeworks, try to do dinner, do after school pick ups, organise & do hair/gp dental appointments. Think ahead about & organise or question any days we need additional childcare.
He does do a pick up from an activity on one evening during week and then on Friday when he’s off.
I have recently stopped going to my gym classes as feeling too much pressure to get things done before going & help support one of my children doing exams. (Too tired then after)
He goes to his own fitness workouts 2-3 times a week. They don’t really eat into time at home as two of them are very early at weekend. I was going to one of them at weekend at 9am. My daughter has to go somewhere at 10.15 so rushing to get back. It’s up to me to make sure she’s up & ready before we would leave for the class so she’s ready to walk out the door when we get back. I was doing it but today I didn’t push her to get ready. He got up at 8.25 and asked why I wasn’t going.. said she could get herself ready and then said I was making out that he was doing the wrong thing by going on to the class.
Ive recently stated counselling and my counsellor has said that I never seem to do anything for me. She’s right but he doesn’t seem to get it or see it. When I say anything he just says he can’t do anything as that’s his work. How does this change or is it just the norm?

Have you talked about it? Or does he give the very unhelpful “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” reply instead of not understanding the mental load.

It’s unclear to me how much of this is you being a martyr - how old is your Dd? Could she be getting herself up and ready?
And how much is it DH being unhelpful.
What is he doing on his day off?

She is 10. He drops oldest to school instead of her taking the bus, goes for a run and does some grocery shopping.

I have tried.. I just get the ‘yeah yeah.. you do everything’
‘I can’t change anything. I have to go to work’

It's not the norm. This doesn't sound like mutually respectful, mutually supportive partnership to me.

He would need to do it if he didn’t have you running about. He may not be able to change his work but he can step in after work and at weekends to create some space for you. There’s no reason why he couldn’t organise your daughter while you were at the gym.

It doesn’t have to be the norm. It isn’t for me in my relationship. If you’ve been in this relationship for 10 years plus and he just dismisses you and says he can’t change, then I doubt he is willing to make any changes. What do you get out of the relationship?

He gets it, of course he does. But you keep doing it all so 🤷‍♀️

You need to tell him what you need OP. You're being a martyr atm. If you want to go to your gym class at 9am on a Saturday morning, tell him that HE needs to get her up, give her breakfast and drop her off. It's not fair that he has time for his classes and you don't. Remember that old chestnut about fitting your own oxygen mask before you help others? Well, you taking care of your health and wellbeing is doing that and in the same way that you facilitate him being able to care for his health and fitness, he needs to do the same for you. It is SO important in a relationship to support one another and help one another to stay fit and healthy (physically and mentally). He needs to step up, but you need to be clear with him about what you need. Communication is everything!

Same in my house. He brings money home. Job done. He does some fun things with DS, but… We were away for midterm & I realised that I had - found hotel, booked hotel, booked flights, packed mine & DS cases (and done our laundry), toys, books. Snacks for travelling (DS is GF). Got there. I went to the supermarket to get a few things. Got up took DS swimming every morning. DH went to the pub a couple of times to watch the football. Stayed in bed in the mornings. I also had a few work things going on in the background (nature of my job).

Anyway, it made me realise how much I do (and he doesn’t even know about, huffs if asked to do something). The morning we were getting ready to go the trip I casually said “oh, don’t let me forget DS swimming gear!”. DH replied, almost bragging “It’ll only take me half an hour to pack” while sitting on his undies drinking tea. It really highlighted to me that he just doesn’t compute… Often on MN people say weaponised incompetence. It’s not that. I’ve seen this with my dad, DH, BIL, my boss. It’s simply male privilege. Aware that I’m enabling is, as is my mum, sister, MIL etc…

This is why some women don’t want a relationship with a man or have children. It’s also the reason why some women prefer to be a single parent. What are they gaining by having a dead beat “partner” getting in the way and using up valuable resources?

Well for a start, he can do the pick up and drop offs and anything required on Friday can’t he?
Presumably he is doing the majority of the cleaning and housework on a Friday too. If not, why not? I’d go to the gym on Friday before or after work for a start.
I think rather than approach him to try to ask for time, I’d come from the perspective of taking the time and then asking what ‘we’ are going to do about it. This is a bit vague but I don’t know your circumstances enough to know what that means for you. Basically you are picking up everything up as default and then trying to pass it over and he is resisting. This will never work. Take what you need and let him complain instead. In your example of your DD going to a class on a Sat for instance, tell him to take her. Why does it have to be you? Then dont get her ready or rush back. If she doesn’t get herself ready he will have to won’t he. If he refuses point blank then tell him the alternative is she will have to drop the class(and he will have to look after her during that time instead). If there is no alternative, eat into ‘family’ time to take yourself off to gym at the weekends then he can entertain the kids by himself. If he complains ask him what he is going to pick up so you can go in the week instead.

Like a lot of women you have the "if I dont do it, no one will" so you keep all the balls in the air. You need to let some drop.

This. Talking to him won’t make any difference, but where’s his motivation to change when his life is easy. Stop doing so much and tell him what he needs to do (the whole task, not the individual steps to do it, he has to work that out).

Take time for yourself.

If you split up he’s going to have to learn, so see if he’s willing to do that before your divorce. If he’s not then you have your answer.

Yes you do need to protect some time for yourself and you should absolutely shift some stuff onto him and if it doesn’t happen don’t get involved - just shrug and redirect your disappointed kid to him so he feels the guilt and embarrassment.

You’ve covered the slack for so long he and the kids expect you to catch the dropped balls, that needs to stop and it’ll need a big mindset shift from you.

However he’s not wrong that a 10yr old should be able to get themselves up and ready, so make sure you are encouraging your kid’s independence too and again it’ll be a shrug and a reflecting their disappointment back to them until they learn.

How old are the DC? Ones 10 and ones doing exams so are they 15+?
Maybe you need to be putting more responsibility on them. 10 is old enough to set and alarm and get themselves ready for an activity. Why can't the one getting the bis walk to the bus stop? Are they contributing to keeping the home clean and tidy? Making their own breakfast and lunch?
Your experience sounds typical for young DC, but at 10+ you shouldn't be feeling like you need to get things sorted before you go out to a fitness class.

OP, the way to make a change is to put something in place that is his responsibility and then not bail him out if it doesn't get done.

Find a class you want to do. Let him know you've decided to go to x class at x time, so he'll need to get DC ready / pick up DC on that day. Then do it.

Are you cooking every night? If he gets home at 5.45 then why can't he do it some nights? Allocate 3 or 4 nights a week when it's his responsibility to sort out dinner - not just the cooking but also the meal planning.

Anything else that would lighten your load?

If he's a decent person he won't refuse. But he also won't take the initiative himself unless you make it happen. Yes that's unfair but it's better than just doing it all yourself.

You need to have stuff you do for you that is non-negotiable. A restorative yoga class may be more beneficial overall than a full on exercise class sometimes.

100% Not sure I’d get married if I had my time over again. My young female cousins are single, have great jobs & are enjoying their lives… I have started taking care of my own interests more, now DS is older, though.

The class at 9 was for us both. I did say I couldn’t go this time as she wasn’t ready ..he just said she could get herself ready… I stayed home to sort her .

Well, there you go. Stop doing that.

No, it's not the norm. Your dp is just way more important than you, isn't he!!!.
Posts like this make me feel spoiled for having a normal partnership where nearly everything is shared responsibilities.

I left my long term partner for this reason. Its the only way I could ever see me getting a break from doing all the cooking, cleaning and mental work or running a household and family.
Now he HAS to step up on his days because I'm not there. And I get a break on his days.
He does step up and is well capable of it, so DC are well looked after. He always just put his work ahead of my work and anything else.

So would he like the job of getting her ready pre class or taking her post class?

edit - I changed my mind. Tell him he is taking her post class, then do nothing to get her ready. You already do so much that anything he can do, he should do.

What does she need to do to be 'ready'?

Eat breakfast and get dressed? She can do that herself at 10. Wake her before you both go and tell her to be ready when you get back or she won't be going to her thing.

Stop doing it all.

Look at your week and see what he can do and what the kids can do and drop something too.

You are making yourself ill. No one else