Thoughtless DP

[Whatthefeckk]

Been seeing the same man for a few years.
Don't live together, very slow burn.
Starting to question everything, as just seems like a convenience thing for him, or FWB.

We went to a social gathering last night, when we arrived, greeted friends that were stood near the bar.
DP then turns around and he's bought himself a drink. Didn't offer me one.
I find it incredibly rude and thoughless.

I can understand not being able to offer a whole group a drink, not being able to afford to do rounds. But as his partner, I would expect him to think of me and ask me what I'd like.

AIBU to be questioning our whole relationship over this... would you end a relationship for this sort of behaviour?

Maybe I've had the realisation that he's pretty selfish.

There is nothing here to suggest you love this man. Let alone madly and deeply. And nor is there anything to indicate he feels like this about you.

So you’re going to dump him? Which is what you weee clearly strongly thinking a few hours ago.

Eh? I wouldn’t do this to a friend or even a casual acquaintance. if you’re bothered, ask him what an earth he was thinking. Maybe that will give you an insight into how he feels.

So what was his reaction when you pointed out he'd forgotten your drink?

What's the relationship like? If it's 'friends' with benefits, how good of a friend is he/what benefits does he provide?

What is there to love madly and deeply about him?

If I ever think I’m madly in love with someone I make a mental list of what their consistent actual actions are. Not my fantasy. Or what they did at the start. Or what I want them to do. Or where I’ve led them to make me laugh. Etc. but what they’ve done. So I can double check I actually like them in the present, and it’s not just lust /history/fantasy. And then there’s deal breakers. I think this would be one. Because I would want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wanted to be in one with me, not like so many blokes who any woman will do.

I’d definitely be upset about this. It’s just so thoughtless. What’s he like day to day? Is this unusual for him?

Well I'm due to see him again tomorrow, at another social event with people he is close to...so it'll be interesting to see what his behaviour is there.

I did make a comment immediately yesterday and he apologised and then offered to get me one. But the moment had already passed...the fact he didn't consider me when I was stood a metre away, was quite eye opening and it was almost a peace offering on his part.

Unfortunately it's not the first time he's been entirely thoughtless, so this all contributing to an overall sense of me wondering what a future would look like.

No even if I am out with friends and paying separately we go to the bar together. If some people are already there with drinks then usually someone without will say I am heading to the bar, and others who have just arrived will go too. No one at this point wanders off to get their drink alone.

Unfortunately it's not the first time he's been entirely thoughtless, so this all contributing to an overall sense of me wondering what a future would look like.

This IS what the future will look like. Him being thoughtless and inconsiderate of you. He's got form for this behaviour, and the more comfortable he gets in this relationship the less effort he will feel he needs to make. I don't know about you, but I have healthy self respect and couldn't be in love with someone like him. To me love is what someone does for you and how they treat you, not what they feel because that's intangible.

Why are you giving him more chances? even if you have a proper discussion about this, he may make an effort for a bit, but he can't keep it up because it won't come naturally to him. Value yourself.

Yeah that’s plain rude. My ex used to do this all the time. Was embarrassing. Even his mates noticed. Urgh.

Even when I later went to the bar, I asked friends if they wanted another drink.

did you ask him out of interest?

My guess is that when you later went to the bar and asked friends whether they wanted a drink, you pointedly did not ask your boyfriend if he wanted one. Fair enough. But is this how you want to live? Tit for tat? Resentment? Arguing?

It just sounds so… unsatisfying and well, loveless

Yes, I would finish with him for this.

I had a boyfriend who was “thoughtless”. I explained it all away to myself as just not occurring to him rather than anything malicious.

I have been married to him for nearly 20 years now; joint home, kids, money. It has only just occurred to me in my mid 40s that it doesn’t matter why he is thoughtless. He is thoughtless and I hate feeling “less than” because of it. Shouldn’t have overlooked it in the first place. Lots of untangle now.

Don’t ignore it. Don’t speak to him and give him a “rule” to follow that he must always ask you if you want a drink in a bar. You can’t go through life always ignoring thoughtlessness or giving a grown adult a recipe for being nice.

This sounds like something my DP of 20 years might feasibly do.

He will do more or less anything I ask willingly, happily even, with no rancour. But there are a lot of things that he simply doesn't think to do himself unless I ask. It's not that he's trying to get out of things, it's that for some reason the idea of doing them doesn't enter his head, or he assumes if I want them I'll just ask him. He doesn't understand in most cases why I wouldn't just ask and why it's important to me that sometimes he thinks of doing them himself.

I go through phases of how much it bothers me. Some things now I've drilled into him are non negotiables and he is better at doing them, eg consistently asking me how I am/how my day was when I come in, or asking if I want a drink if he's getting one for himself. But he doesn't seem to be able to generalise from these into other areas.

That was so rude of him! Did you arrive together?
I’d definitely be seeing him in a new light now.

I can't get my head around this. Even if I'd arrived with a friend or someone who was an acquaintance from work I'd buy them a drink or at least offer.

Is he a heavy drinker ? It might be that he was so preoccupied with getting a drink he wasn’t considering anything else - it’s still really rude but there might be two red flags here

Did you plan to buy him a drink or ask him what he wanted? Why is it on him?