"Get help for your anxiety"

[burgersraven]

Does this type of response bother anyone else? I have anxiety myself and don't often post here with my anxieties, but when people do, so many people see fit to respond by saying "get help for your anxiety" in the same way you might say "get some Dulcolax" for someone with constipation. It's not a quick fix! Moreover I think the majority of people with anxiety disorder and posting here with anxieties are well aware they are anxious, may have had a significant amount of therapy already, but relapse and spiral sometimes and come on here reassurance-seeking. Anxiety doesn't just get cured forever after seeking help.

Responders are also frequently (not always) harsh and rude in their tone as if the anxiety is the person's fault or makes them ridiculous or a bad person. I sometimes think a lot of people who think of themselves as supportive of mental health, in fact feel very uncomfortable when faced with the type of thoughts people with mental health conditions actually have, and their reaction is to tell them to go away and get cured and be normal, please.

If someone is on an anxiety spiral and has come on here reassurance-seeking, then that isn't helpful behaviour for them. However if you don't have much understanding of anxiety and you have nothing helpful to say with regards to coping mechanisms then why not just stay out of it? The OP does not need 10 pages of people telling them to seek help for their anxiety.

And another thing the OP does not need is to be told they are passing their anxiety on to their child. Do you think they don't fucking know that? For me personally one of my top 3 anxieties is that I might be turning my kids into anxious people. It's terrifying and I try my best not to let my anxiety affect them and yes I have sought help and had a lot of therapy but it is not a simple thing. The OP does not also need 10 pages of "your child is going to grow up just like you" "your child resents you" "don't make your child anxious like you" "don't infect your child with your anxiety" like that's something you can just ensure, with a wave of a wand.

@Weeelokthen agree completely. But if she won't accept the help offered or engage with anyone what can you do?

I didn't know that about the poster. In that case I think the most constructive thing would be to ignore her posts entirely! The 'tough love' isn't helping her so more of it won't help her. And if she was having therapy before then she has already sought help and knows she has anxiety. Further responses of any kind will just be feeding her anxieties and it would be more constructive to let her posts sink!

My DS has anxiety. He is doing everything possible to manage it, including therapy and medication. That matters - it gives him a life.

When someone comes on MN and mentions their anxiety and clearly is acting in a way which will have an adverse impact on their child, of course they're going to get questions. They're responsible for another human being. Anxiety is difficult to overcome, but pandering to it isn't helpful.

@burgersraven unfortunately it doesn't happen....its just a never ending saga

I'm really not surprised that someone has decided to construe my post negatively - I'm very familiar with MN. It's fine to disagree though. I daresay your points are accurate with regard to many people.

Of course I spoke from my perspective, and I don't apologise for that. I was being honest - sometimes honesty opens up a dialogue in a way that avoiding the facts and toeing the PC/#bekind stance doesn't.

As for "people like me", I have been there for my friend, literally 24 hours a day for over a decade, so my conscience is clear as far as lack of thought, dismissiveness or ignorance is concerned.

As for "people like me", I have been there for my friend, literally 24 hours a day for over a decade, so my conscience is clear as far as lack of thought, dismissiveness or ignorance is concerned.

Honestly, that's a problem in itself @Isittimeformynapyet. No one should be expected to provide that level of emotional support for another adult, it's far too draining (and I say this as a GAD sufferer). You need to start prioritizing your own well-being more.

Thank you. It has been an issue occasionally, but when my mum died I simply had to put in a boundary, and on the whole things have been far more manageable. My friend does try not to be too demanding, but it doesn't always work. It's been a learning curve for both of us over the years.

It can be very draining. I don't think it's helpful to pretend to people with anxiety that their condition has no impact on the people around them. Of course it does. And that impact can be significant.

That isn't to say that the impact is the fault of the anxiety sufferer. If they are actively engaging with support and trying to get better, then that's really all that they can do. But that doesn't change the fact that it can be incredibly difficult for their friends and family. Just as many other illnesses can have an impact beyond the actual patient.

No amount of support from friends and family is ever going to "fix" an anxiety problem. And sometimes, when loved ones are suffering from a serious illness which impacts on the lives of those around them, people do have to put boundaries in place and put their own wellbeing first. Acknowledging that isn't "making it about yourself" as a pp suggested - it is about proactively taking responsibility for your own mental health by recognising that you can't take full responsibility for anyone else's. That doesn't mean that you can't support the people that you care about. It simply means that there are limits, and that not everything should always revolve around the person with an anxiety problem.

Other people have needs too.

so many people see fit to respond by saying "get help for your anxiety" in the same way you might say "get some Dulcolax" for someone with constipation. It's not a quick fix!

I've been thinking about this a bit more.

And given the amount of anxiety sufferers on MN who dismissively say, "Tried therapy - didn't work", I'd say they are the ones who think it's a quick fix.

DH has medicated anxiety. He says hands down the best help he gets is me not pandering to it. He still has to do things that make him anxious, I will not constantly reassure him on things or follow him down an anxiety spiral. My general attitude is “how frustrating you feel that way, now life goes on”.

I have other family members with anxiety too who do so much worse when their close family pander to them.

So sometimes a tough love approach is exactly what helps.

The sad truth is a lot of it can be learned or hereditary. My mum knows that she has anxiety partly due to her mum's anxieties. And that I have anxieties about things that came from my mum. Along with all the rest of it which is strictly personal.

It's not easy is it for anyone with these issues or their families. Nobody wants to make others feel anxious. But unfortunately expressing anxiety can have that effect.

This is true and I also think a lot of it is being learned online.

Often people are posting that they 'have anxiety' when they're just anxious about something completely normal to be anxious about.

And this is being learned by so many others who then believe they too 'have anxiety' when they're nervous about a job interview or something.

A bit like how some people think they have OCD due to liking a tidy house.

Ans how much anxiety is there because of issues their parents have, shouldn't the cycle be broken somehow and not have people pat people on the head and pander to it?

Well, how much therapy can the average person even afford? The NHS provides absolute bugger all unless you're suicidal and even then maybe not. When I had a really long period of therapy it was private and cost a bomb, I could afford because I didn't have kids yet. If I had to "get help for my anxiety" now I have no spare money anymore so I just wouldn't be able to.

Yes you will break the cycle of generational trauma by making the same comment as the previous hundred people on a Mumsnet thread.

Yes, my friend (mentioned upthread) says exactly that about therapy - it didn't work. I stopped suggesting it years ago as she could be quite cutting in her response.

Medication is also OUT as she's suspicious of Big Pharma while spending a fortune on strange supplements, and gadgets that pulse or emit specific lights etc. They've all worked brilliantly... for a week or so, and then it's back to normal. If I ever ask if she's tried her "light thingy" recently she'll snap about that too, as though she hears "think of the £400 you wasted on that silly infrared calming lamp".

I've learned to say nothing except "that must be so difficult for you honey. I wish I could help"

Yeah that's true. People do seem less resilient.

But let's be honest, anxiety as a medical disorder wasn't really even discussed as a potential medical condition until fairly recently.

I guess there was the benzo boom of the 50s-80s but then it became all about prozac etc for depression.

I think now it's just become a huge money spinner for every industry.

I agree with you op.

Anxiety is a debilitating illness, I’m not talking about anxiety where someone is a bit nervous before a job interview type anxiety, I’m talking about the illness.

If it was as simple as ‘get help’ then no one would have it would they. Even if you can access medication or therapy, it isn’t a quick easy or life long fix. Lifestyle changes can help, but again, aren’t a forever cure.

Telling someone with anxiety just to get help is very dismissive and likely to make the person feel even worse.

Having said that, mumsnet is not generally a nice supportive forum. It can be, and there are some nice people on here, but it is also full of trolls, keyboard warriors and spiteful people looking for a row.

People on here aren’t qualified medical professionals. There have been some absolutely mental posts on here, you only have to look at some of the Covid threads about putting cheese in coffee and letting horses die of starvation to recognise that anything anyone says on here should be taken with a big pinch of salt.

Putting anxiety on to other people is wrong

But poster's are not therapists a forum cannot help so if people don't want replies why go on about anxiety on here?

Pandering to it helps no one

Perhaps people are at support expected overload?

Right so they use Mumsnet - the ‘poor woman’s therapy’ instead.

And with that choice they get what they get.

MN is not a professional service and they know that when they choose to post here 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know, I’m simply replying and agreeing with the op.

I don’t know what motivated everyone person on here to post.

Perhaps they are looking for advice, reassurance, validation. Perhaps they are lonely and just want to interact.

If someone has anxiety perhaps they are not thinking straight.

Sorry OP the responses on here are ridiculous sometimes.
Three weeks for a GP appointment here which will likely not be with a GP anyhow.
No crisis service, just turn up at a&e. Even if you plan to kill yourself that very night you will not be admitted or visited. You may get anti depressants but probably not.
Wait for counselling is over two years. Hahaha. Then if you cancel even one session you are struck off the list. You get six sessions better or not.
Private counselling, fine if you can afford it and you are knowledgeable about skill sets as anyone can set themselves up as a counsellor.
I have no idea what help people think is available.

Anger and anxiety are similar in some ways. They are both normal emotional responses that can be harmful at extremes.

If people posted saying they had got angry with their child and done something that hurt them they would be told to get help - and not kindly.

Anxiety also leads to behaviour that harms children and it is entirely appropriate to tell the person to get help.

I think the children being harmed by their parents in this way come before the adult who is not dealing with it appropriately.