AIBU to find my MIL's visits too much, even though she's a nice person?

[BeBrickSloth]

My MIL comes to stay every 5/6 weeks for 3 nights at a time. On top of that, for around 3 months of the year, she'll come twice a month.

I know that probably doesn't sound horrendous to some people, but I find it a lot. It's our home and our downtime, and I feel like I'm constantly having to accommodate someone else.

She never offers to pays for anything while she's here either, so my husband covers everything. However, I want to make it clear that I don't resent my DH spending money on her or wanting to treat her. She's his mum, and I understand that he wants to make her feel looked after.
My DH's parents have split up, and his dad lives much further away, so I appreciate that having his mum nearby means he can see her more regularly. We also make an effort to visit her ourselves and ask if we can come over, but she's always busy whenever we suggest it. It does sometimes feel a bit one-sided when she's happy to come and stay with us so regularly, but we can't seem to arrange visits at hers.

The other issue is that, although I do think she's a nice person, there's just something about her that I don't particularly like, and I can't put my finger on what it is. We're very different people, and I find her company quite draining after a while.

She also gossips quite a lot about members of her own family, which I find uncomfortable. It makes me wonder what she says about people when they're not around, and I think it's part of why I struggle to warm to her. I get a bit of a bad feeling that I can't quite explain. She's never done anything particularly awful to me, so I feel bad even admitting that I feel this way.

I keep all of this to myself and am always polite and welcoming when she visits. I don't want her to feel unwelcome, but I can feel myself getting increasingly irritated by little things she does. Then I feel guilty because she's 75, she's not a horrible person, and I genuinely want to like having her here more than I do.

I think DH sees it as spending time with his mum, whereas for me it's having a houseguest for 3 nights every few weeks and feeling like I can't fully relax in my own home. When the visits increase to twice a month for a few months of the year, it feels like a lot.
I don't want to stop her visiting, and I don't resent DH wanting to spend money on her. I just wish the visits were less frequent, and I wish I could work out why I feel the way I do about her.

Is this just a case of spending too much time with someone whose personality is very different from yours, or should I trust my gut feeling about her? Does anyone else have a perfectly nice MIL who they just don't particularly click with?

3 nights is a lot. But I think I would go out and have the day to myself. A nice lunch etc. Let dh and your mum at it.

How often do your family visit?

"I do think she's a nice person, there's just something about her that I don't particularly like, and I can't put my finger on what it is"

This is an anonymous forum. If you want to work out what is going on, then you need to say the things that you don't really want to admit even to yourself. You do know that she is doing something that puts you on edge. You want to be a good wife, you want to support your husband etc. etc... but you are amongst anonymous strangers here... what are the things that - if someone was really forcing you to say it - are really pissing you off about your MIL, you DH and your MIL+DH?

You mention MIL being nearby. Why does she have to stay over? Can she not visit for the day and go home, or stay one night max?

I think op has said it in her post. So she gossips about others so that has a bit of a negative aspect. Then its dh mother so you have to be mindful and cant fully be yourself. They dont have much in common. She wont accomodate them at hers so it is one sided rather than letting them visit and ease up on the 3 overnights.

How much of the 'entertaining' do you do? Who makes dinner, the cups of tea, gets her room ready?

If it's you put a stop to it. Be less available go out with friends. Let them have the quality time.

Absolutely not, having a house guest that often for that long is too much. Tell DH to go to her sometimes if he wants to see his mum. 3 nights every couple of weeks, I dont even see some of my friends that much never mind MIL. No wonder you're off kilter

She is your husbands mum at the end of the day, and it really isn’t much at all!

Does your mum get to come and stay. Is she near by. Do you work, or are you having to entertain her out with the weekend. DH should be the one doing everything for his mother. Dont gossip with her, things get passed back!

It's loads!

I do think she's a nice person, there's just something about her that I don't particularly like, and I can't put my finger on what it is.

I get a bit of a bad feeling that I can't quite explain. She's never done anything particularly awful to me, so I feel bad even admitting that I feel this way.

she's not a horrible person, and I genuinely want to like having her here more than I do.

I don't resent DH wanting to spend money on her. I just wish the visits were less frequent, and I wish I could work out why I feel the way I do about her.

Does anyone else have a perfectly nice MIL who they just don't particularly click with?

OP, you don't like her. You don't find her "perfectly nice". You can't put your finger on it because she's not done anything outrageous so you'll just have to settle for "I don't like her", particularly if you don't want to dig deeper into what is going on here. First thing to work on is to simply acknowledge to yourself that you don't like her and that your husband's attitude towards her pisses you off, and that makes you feel guilty because you've been raised to think you're not supposed to be someone who feels like that.

Agree. This would be too much for most people I imagine. Far far too much for me personally. No wonder you're drained. And if she's the gossipy type you'll feel unable to trust her and her 'niceness'. I wouldn't be able to relax in my own home around her and worry about what she'll say about me behind my back.

Husband needs to go and visit her in her own home. I would stop being so polite and have a chat with dh. You're not stopping dh spending time with her, you're just not happy with all the socialising happening at your house.

This is really odd to me. I don't know why anyone even wants to stay over that much at someone else's house (as an adult). Day visits, I can understand. Sleepovers? Not at all. And not that often either. It's weird. I would nip it in the bud and tell her you're not accepting sleepovers anymore, but she is welcome to still visit. I'd offer 1 or 2 dates a month and ask her for the days she is available for visits at her place. If she declines, say that's fine but you're taking a leaf out of her book and reducing home visits from guests for your own sanity and convenience. So she'll just see you less often if she won't host you.

Trust your gut instinct. As another poster said: we can't give accurate advice unless you're honest. It might also help someone else in a similar situation so let us know what behaviours are red flags to you. You'd be surprised how many of us will have experienced similar.

It really is too much, every other weekend for 3 months of the year and 3 nights every 35/42 days for the remainder of the year. Isn’t that approximately a 1.5 months in total every year?

@BeBrickSloth is she only coming to see your DH or do you have kids, her grandkids that she’s visiting too?

It’s a bit too intrusive. But maybe she’s lonely?

I think a majority of people would find that intensity of visits pretty draining, especially when they involve overnights.

Why is that relevant? I’m assuming it’s not nearly as much as they’d have house guests all the time.

My sister could visit this much and it would be fine by me. If it were my MIL it wouldn’t be. But if my husband didn’t want my sister to visit, I’d respect his wishes.

Does she have to stay for 3 nights each visit and would you find it easier if she didn't stay so long? You give the impression you wouldn't mind so much if she also hosted sometimes, so next time she proposes visiting why not suggest going to her instead? She can't say she's busy then. Maybe DH could go alone (or with DC if you have them). I imagine that part of your unease around her is down to her gossiping - if she talks to you about others she will talk about you as well.

That is a huge amount.
He needs to start visiting her.
Twice a month is insane.
How can he know if you aren't saying anything?
That in itself is very odd in a marriage.
Its your home and its too much.
Have you children?
If not I wouldn't be rushing them with suchba set up and you feeling you cannot say anything.

There’s no particular reason for you to like her — she’s only in your life because of the accident of who you married. If you’d like her to come less often, make that happen?

That is a LOT. YANBU.

Why don't you feel you can raise this with your DH?

My main concern also given her age is her and your dh deciding she should stay even more, or even move in. Yikes.

I wouldn't want anyone staying at my house 3 nights at a time and so often.

How nearby is your MIL? If she lives quite close to you, I don't understand why she needs to stay overnight at all. Also, what's the reason for fortnightly overnight stays for two months of the year?

Would your DH be happy if your mum came to stay as frequently as his mum?

Just no to all of this, you have a DH problem. He thinks its fine to demand this of you and dominate your time and energy. No no and no.

A bumpy road ahead for you both to have an actual honest conversation about this and get the balance reset in the relationship.

Your husband needs to know how you feel and support you by making some changes. Maybe he could go and stay with her for a weekend sometimes instead of her coming to you?

That’s way too much. I don’t even like my own mother staying for a couple of nights.

Is she unwell, beginning dementia or anything?
I wonder if she is struggling at home, hence not wanting you to visit there.
I wonder if her visits keep her sane and safe and thats why she does them so frequently.
How far away does she live OP? can you get her some help at home?