Mother Repeatedly Wanting My Keepsakes

[ButYouDidntWantIt]

AIBU here…
My dad died nine years ago. Despite having siblings, all the organising, admin & house clearance somehow fell to me.
Dad was a hoarder, so house, garage and loft were CRAMMED. Mother is disabled, had been asking Dad to sort the house out for years but he never did, so when Mum wanted to move, I had to go through everything, redistribute or get rid of a lot of stuff. Along the way, I found a small number of meaningful items for each of us to keep as mementos. This was difficult to fulfil for my mother as she basically refused everything, insisting that she didn’t want to keep anything at all. I put aside some small, personalised items that seemed too special to get rid of (jewellery, small gifts / tokens from shared special occasions, etc) and put them all together in a box I had specially made. I kept a few small things which reminded me of my dad and funny/special things we did together, such as a talking alarm clock that I always used to set off multiple times a day! It became a running joke.
Anyhow, mum now lives with me, and recently she has been making lots of comments about the items of my dads that I kept- ‘oh I remember that, you and your dad laughed so much’, etc. then, ‘I’d like to keep that’…
AIBU to refuse? Surely I’m allowed to keep some mementos of my dad, too?

Pretend to let her keep them in your house if necessary, you're going to outlive her anyway ....

She lives with you so the items are still in your house. I am not sure I understand why this is a big deal to let her "keep them".

Can you put them somewhere you both can enjoy them. Your livingroom or a drawer somewhere. Seems very sad she wanted nothing. As the years go on, guessing her grief now allows happy memories back. Ynbu, just she sounds like an elderly lady wanting to share.

You are being petty as she lives with you anyway and is not likely to outlive you so you’ll get her back soon enough.

Are you afraid that if she feels they're "hers" that she'll give them to someone else? If no, then just let her believe they're hers, they're in your house so will be yours anyways.

Tell her that you’ll show them to her when she wants but that you are attached to them mow and don’t to be without them.

You did the hard work, you deserve the mementos.

If she gave them to someone else, it would cause a rift.

This is a non event.

Either have them out so everyone scan look at them - she lvies with you and will presumably die living with you....

or just be quiet about what you've got and Keep it put away.

"Its a shame you wanted to throw it all out"
"But you kept some bits"
"Oh yes I'd forgotten. No clie where they are"
"Can i have them"
"Well I dont know where they are... at least youll always have the memories"

I am sorry you have been left with the emotional and physical burden of this as well as being the one who now has your mother living with you. That is a lot to carry.

When she says.. 'I'd like to keep that'.. does she mean that she would like to keep them in her own bedroom?

I think it is a difficult one to navigate as you are right, you kept them for you while dealing with the pain of having her reject all suggestions that you made for her to keep things for herself.

Can you keep the keepsake box in a place where you can both have access to it when you want, making it clear that they are shared memories of your father and they are ones that are special to you? Could you also perhaps, suggest making a photo album for her that she can keep in her room?

Who were all your Dad's possessions left to in the will? It would be usual for them to have been left to the surviving spouse anyway, so likely technically belong to her. In any case, since you live in the same house, can't these momentos just live there, where you can both see and hold them when you're thinking of him and reminiscing. Why do they need to be designated as 'yours' or 'hers'?

Did he leave a will specifying who got his personal possessions, if not they automatically go to the spouse so they belong to her anyway, you can’t just take what you want.

Give them to her but make it very clear that they are not to be gotten rid of or passed on to anyone else, they are things that you have selected to keep. If you don't feel you can trust her to do that then just get them out sometimes for her and then put them away again.

The problem here isn't the momentos which are effectively shared between you both anyway. Its that you are resentful that you did all the hard work and no one helped. Deal with this by discussing with your family, you'll feel better.
Or just let your mum think the stuff is hers anyway. Obviously no one else will bother claiming it after she passes.
Depends on the level of drama you are into. I prefer drama to quiet resentment myself 😊

As she lives with you, I would say something light and agreeable like "I know mum, I remember that too, I am glad we have these mementos, and I definitely won't be getting rid of them"

Do you have concerns that if she had them she would pass them on to others?

I suppose the lines are blurred because she possibly regards things that come from her marital home as "hers" which isn't completely unreasonable.

oh I remember that, you and your dad laughed so much’, etc. then, ‘I’d like to keep that’…

It sounds like she is worried you will decide to get rid of the item at some point so she wants the reassurance the item will stay in the house and the best way to do that is for her to own it. Just say you will keep it safe and then change the subject.

What have I missed? She lives with you. Share them.

She lives with you so you have two options. Let her have them as they’ll come back to you again or hide them from her and never let her see them again so she’ll forget about them.

They are hers unless they were left to you specifically. Hand them over.

If she’s living with you anyway what does her ‘keeping them’ look like? Surely they can just stay in the communal area of your house so you can both see them?? She is not actually taking them anywhere.

Can you say they're important to you too and you can share them?

You don't have to give them up, of course. Clearing and sorting a house is a massive amount of work!

In theory, yes you are allowed some mementos just for you, especially given she said she didn’t want anything! But given she is living with you, it doesn’t really matter does it? Put them in a place you can both see them. I would make it abundantly clear they are yours though, just in case her living arrangements need to change in the future and she has designs on taking them to a nursing home or whatever with her!

I agree that it sounds like what you're really annoyed by is

• you did all the work on your own
• she was no help at all in decision making at the time
• you were really thoughtful putting things aside as keepsakes
• now you feel like your thoughtfulness is going unappreciated as if she'd had her way there wouldn't be any keepsakes at all

Well, this MN viper thinks you were really kind and thoughtful at a difficult time where you didn't have any support. Even if your mum doesn't recognise it, she's benefiting from your actions now that you have lots of nice mementoes to cherish. You did well.

Did you Dad leave a will. Were the items you kept left to you in his will or do they belong to your mum?

But they are only OPs if they were left to OP in the will. More likely they belong to her mother, if his estate and his personal effects passed to his spouse.

In any case, OP kept them and they are in the house they both live in, so I'm struggling really to see what the issue is? Just get a display case or shelf in a communal area, and you can both enjoy these keepsakes.

If you live together, what does it matter who is the nominal owner of these items?

Could you give her 1 item to keep in her own room and leave a few other items where she can see them.