Who is unreasonable? One of them? Both? Neither?

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

He has complex health needs. Including dialysis. Currently 3 times a week. Has to be driven to dialysis unit and collected again. 45 minute journey each way. Needs help with washing. Can't do any housework (major mobility issues). Bit reclusive (not just related to health needs).

She is his carer. Helps him shower/wash. Drives him. Does all the household stuff. All the cooking (which has to be exact due to his complex health needs). Looks after the children. (They had the children before he became ill.)

He wants home dialysis. She will have to set it up, do the blood tests. Administer the dialysis. She is very burnt out. Their relationship is suffering. He is determined to have the home dialysis. She doesn't want to do it. Is scared of the size of the responsibility. Would rather keep having his dialysis at the hospital. But he won't budge.

She is pulling away from the relationship. He can tell and has started being difficult, threatening to withdraw financial support of her hobbies and interests outside the home (he still works - WFH).

Help?

I can see why you might ask that. My understanding is that particular man has always withheld money but the rest of it fits

Surely he is entitled to hospital transport? My relative who is on a similar programme is.

there is a current trial of home treatment which looks interesting but again she could insist he has external support, or pay for support, so as not to impede his treatment through not being a trained nurse / carer

goid luck x

In essence the poor partner is not Wonder Woman and he needs to take responsibility for getting outside assistance he’s entitled to. The end.

For my own sanity, I would look into leaving him.

Why is he not using hospital transport ?

I can see why the home dialysis makes sense, and it will save her all the driving. Can he pay for some professional help, at least whome they get it all set up and she gets comfortable with it (or he does)?.

I cared for my DH until his death, and I learned to do a lot of things I thought I'd never do, and it was really l draining hard work, but it would be harder if I was driving 90 mins per day, surely?

Surely it would be easier to do home dialysis than drive him to hospital 3 times a week which must take up most of those 3 days? And can a carer not come in to do it? My friend used to work for a company who went round to do dialysis in the home

I think what I don't understand is why she would need to do the home dialysis? I know someone who does it and when he described the set up, he was sorting it all out himself.

Edit - I realise he must be doing peritoneal dialysis which I think would explain why he can do it alone.

I'm neither of them. And I feel for both of them. And no, this isn't linked to any other poster on here.

Having an illness doesnt give anyone a free pass to be an arse. I would be getting my ducks in a row and looking for alternative accommodation

I was about say neither is wrong and to look into carers then I read the last bit and wow what an absolute selfish, controlling bastard. If I was her I'd be leaving

He shouldn't be threatening withholding of family money.

Does she have any income of her own? E.g. child benefit? Does she recieve carers allowance? If she doesnt work/earn over the threshold then it sounds like she should.

In terms of the home dialysis, has she/have they had the necessary training/discussions with his renal nurse etc. so they both know exactly what is involved? If not, and she is saying a flat out no at the thought of it, rather than finding out more than I would say she is not necessarily being unreasonable but definitely restricting them both by not being open to the possibility at this stage.

A friend of mine's husband is awaiting a kidney transplant and has at home dialysis - the abdominal one. From what she's told me, it seems relatively straightforward for him to do himself. Is there a reason why he cannot do some of the process himself with her assistance? Or is it a different type of home dialysis? Just a thought!

He is.
If he wants home dialysis... he needs to learn how to do EVERYTHING that goes with it for HIMSELF.

I suppose it depends how much he (and they) have, It must be awful going through that, and I could see if you're so ill, you don't want to travel to hospital, with extra risks and pain. I'd want to do whatever to help anyone I loved in that situation. Could a compromise be getting a nurse for a few weeks until you get more confident about doing it, OP? Normally I wouldn't want anyone pressured to anything they don't want to, but when someone is suffering this badly, I'd try to keep them out of hospital.
That way you'd still get to do your things, OP, if all the money wasn't needed for him to pay someone else.

It isn't me. I'm not caring enough to do it!

The problem is, she has already been his carer for 4 years. She's not old herself and understandably, wants a life. It's sad he doesn't get one, but he is ill. She isn't.

She is pulling away from the relationship. He can tell and has started being difficult, threatening to withdraw financial support of her hobbies and interests outside the home (he still works - WFH).

I actually don't think this is that unreasonable, it definitely something that could be excused in a high stress situation if he has otherwise been decent.

While he isn't being unreasonable in wanting home dialysis, neither is she for being worried about taking on another major responsibility especially of a medical nature. I can imagine he feels powerless and perhaps angry that he is so totally reliant upon her, but it is not her fault and he is very wrong to try to control her using threats of withdrawing money.Very wrong.

The fact that unrelated to his health conditions she is clearly sociable (hobbies and interests outside the home) and he's a bit reclusive make me wonder about the general state of the marriage and what would be happening if he wasn't ill. I'm carer for my very dependent DH and if he started making similar threats to me I would be reconsidering my position (he wouldn't, though)

Managing a situation like this is hard and inexorable, requiring a high degree of patience and tolerance on both sides and sadly not all marriages survive the pressures. Maybe getting some outside help to assist with his personal care would take some weight off her and help them reset from the carer/cared for roles they're currently in.

She needs to tell him while shes happy to do the caring side of keeping him washed, driven and house clean shes not happy to do the medical side. Fuck that, you should have to have at least a nursing degree it's not simple nor easy.