Who is unreasonable? One of them? Both? Neither?

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

He has complex health needs. Including dialysis. Currently 3 times a week. Has to be driven to dialysis unit and collected again. 45 minute journey each way. Needs help with washing. Can't do any housework (major mobility issues). Bit reclusive (not just related to health needs).

She is his carer. Helps him shower/wash. Drives him. Does all the household stuff. All the cooking (which has to be exact due to his complex health needs). Looks after the children. (They had the children before he became ill.)

He wants home dialysis. She will have to set it up, do the blood tests. Administer the dialysis. She is very burnt out. Their relationship is suffering. He is determined to have the home dialysis. She doesn't want to do it. Is scared of the size of the responsibility. Would rather keep having his dialysis at the hospital. But he won't budge.

She is pulling away from the relationship. He can tell and has started being difficult, threatening to withdraw financial support of her hobbies and interests outside the home (he still works - WFH).

Help?

he is being financially abusive trying to control her with money.

Neither are wrong for what they want but the cards are in her hands (until he threatened to withdraw finances)

If home dialisis relies on her and she says no then its a no.

I assume you are the woman? i'm sorrry OP it's tough. An open conversation about financial abuse is a must. if he still persists this is divorce worthy

He is.

He sounds like a controlling dickhead.

That’s really hard.

are they married?

any access to joint funds?

whether father daughter or husband wife nobody can make someone do something they are uncomfortable with.

is there a private at home option?

how old are the children?

He is being unreasonable.

He should have carers that are not his partner . Assuming the OP is his partner

Can’t you get home dialysis with somebody to come in and do it? If not then no. He’s being unreasonable and maybe he needs to
move into some kind of residential care home

I didn't read the end. Apologies.
Deleted what I said.
Fk him. With a capital F. If he wants to stop her doing something that is for herself & she enjoys as some down time by withholding money for her, i'd leave. Let him deal with it himself & have his money pay for everything - and the help wont go above and beyond like she does neither.
What a prick.

He is. You can’t keep heaping more care responsibilities on one person. They will break.

He should use his money to pay someone to come in and provide the service at home if that's his priority.
He can't force someone to do it who doesn't want to.

I can see why he wants the home dialysis and Aldo why she doesn’t feel able to do it.

it’s putting a lot on her.

married? How old are the kids?

my advice would depend on how she is financially. If not married then her position is only strong if she’s prepared to walk away and leave him with the kids.

if married she’s got more bargaining power without impacting the kids so much.

On the face of it, he seems to be being unreasonable in that he's threatening financial abuse is she doesn't do what he wants.
It's not unreasonable, to my mind, that she doesn't want this responsibility to fall to her and he shouldn't be outsourcing his medical needs to his wife (assuming they're married) she sounds like she's already supporting him as much as she can.
He needs to be very careful that his actions don't trigger a separation / divorce: everyone has their breaking point (even if he feels she's financially bound to him)
One question for the wife: currently burnt out, would taking the 3x weekly trips to the hospital out of the equation not actually be beneficial and less of a burden than the current set up?

She should start plan for a life for herself and the children.

This. You can’t pour from an empty cup. He is already asking a lot of her and the withholding of money is out of order

He is unreasonable and financially abusive.

She should think about whether the relationship has a future.

The fact that he has reacted to her boundary by threatening to withdraw financial support should be a wake up call for her. She needs to start looking for support for herself, and consider she may have to end the relationship.

I don’t think that the two options equate. There probably isn’t much other than physical effort and maybe resulting tiredness required for the drives. On the other hand having to set up and monitor home dialysis and the responsibility this entails will probably be a huge source of anxiety for her.

He’s being unreasonable. He’s financially controlling. She’s bearing the burden of family life and being a carer.

maybe she needs to feel her home is a sanctuary. She runs the home and controls the environment. To have the medical equipment In her home, she has no mental escape.

I get that he is unwell. It’s hard for him. He has pressures and burden. But he’s not allowing her to have any sort of life.

Him - she 100% has the right to say no to performing dialysis.

Are you the poster whose DH has a life limiting illness?

Can he not do it himself? My uncle has home dialysis and lives alone. He had to do a course on how to do it himself otherwise it would mean a relative having to go and do it for him. If he is unable to, surely he can access care at home at cost? He sounds controlling. Whether this is because he is scared of her leaving him I'm not sure but his behaviour is inexcusable.

Is there a middle ground here? He gets home dialysis and can pay for a nurse or carer to come and administer the drugs/operate machines etc. The 90 minute round trip 3 times a week must cost in petrol and parking charges. Does he understand how much space it will take up and all the equipment needed for it?

I can understand why he wants it to be at home. The threatening behaviour though is unacceptable but he is probably desperate. I know when we used to drive Mum for her chemotherapy she had just had enough of hospitals.

Can you speak to his team when you next take him to hospital about someone professional coming into the home to do the dialysis? That is how I would approach it, he gets what he wants, home dialysis, you get what you want, no responsibility for it.

He's not in the wrong to want his dialysis at home, but threatening to withhold money/support/free time from her is not the way to go about it!
If she doesn't want to that's totally valid too - no is a complete sentence and all that.

I get the old 'in sickness and in health' part of the vows is there to be upheld, but the unspoken subtext in those vows is 'as long as one of you isn't being a self centered dick' imo.

She needs to see an attorney to know her rights. if she won't do home dialysis then that's it, he can't make her.

Tbf, if he needs the money that pays for her activities to be able to pay for home care, that is understandable