Would you go to this playdate?

[DontLikethise]

DS started school and made a friend let’s call him R. I contacted R’s mum for playdate and she was very up for it but asked if we could invite T and his mum too. I said of course. R’s mum made a group chat with her, me and T’s mum. T’s mum is okay and every conversation I’ve had with her has been pleasant and she seemed lovely. Problem is I get a feeling T’s mum doesn’t want me there! Any question I ask she ignores but anything R posts she responds within a minute or 2. She ignores everything I ask so I’m wondering if I should go.

R has also noticed this! I don’t want to discuss with her as I’m trying to downplay it as I barely know these 2 women. Our sons are friends. I don’t want to discuss this with them but I’m thinking after this play date I will distance myself from this this group and not reach out again. There’s lots of other mums in the class I could make an effort with instead. R’s mum seems like she wants to be close with T’s mum so any future invite will be her trying to invite T’s mum too. I’m too old for playground politics and can’t be bothered. So I should go to the playdate tomorrow and assess from there yes?

Yes. I would go. It's only a playdate.

I find it quite rude that R asked you to also invite another mum instead of her just accepting or declining your invite although I'd still go as its for the kids really

I think you might be overthinking this a smidge. Go on the play date. You might be surprised how well it goes! Also some people are not good at communicating on group chats but fine in real life. Finally - burn no bridges! These people will be in your life for years in some capacity! good luck!

I see what you all mean but why is it only my messages she ignores! I feel it’s so childish

R is a tit for inviting someone else when you suggested a playdate for your DS and her DC. Go along though and see how it goes, if she ignores you in person then T is also a tit. Hopefully your DS will have a good time either way!

The key is not to care. The only thing you have in common with these women is that your children like playing together. They aren’t your friends; they are only the people who look after your children’s friends. So it doesn’t matter if T’s mum doesn’t want you there. T’s mum’s opinion of you is irrelevant. You don’t need to be engaging in chats. Go, let the DC play. Have a cup of tea and be friendly with both. If it feels off or you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to stay, and if R’s mum mentions the children meeting up again (I’m not using the play date phrase, it’s awful), then say yes if you want, but tell her you have no interest in sitting with T’s mum again, so it’ll be a conditional yes.

Did R and T already know each other from nursery?

How many questions could you possibly have had about one play date? Maybe she just didn’t know the answer or thought best to let the original organisers of the play date sort out details rather than sticking an oar in

You barely know either of them. It’s totally normal that this mum you barely know is more chatty with her friend than you. The point of play dates is not for you to make friends. Surely, you must have friends somewhere? The point is for your dc to spend time with friends. My eldest is a teen and I’m polite to her friends’ parents, but I can’t say we’re friends. We socialise when we have to for our dc. I think you’re being a bit weird about this. It’s nice two other parents are so keen to organise a play date. Just roll with it.

Because she doesn’t know you from a hole in the ground, and no communication is necessary other than arranging place and time?

What is childish is seeking validation from a total stranger!

That’s really good advice thank you! Yes I need to change my perspective. It’s for my child to socialise with his friends not for me! Thank you

Why are there so many messages in a chat to arrange a playdate? Isn’t it just ‘how does after school Thursday at mine work’ and they can say yes or no? Maybe you’re overdoing it in the chat and she can’t be arsed exchanging loads if messages with someone she doesn’t know very well… doesn’t mean she doesn’t want the boys to play together and definitely doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go! She might actually be very nice once you get to know her but either way it really doesn’t matter because it’s supposed to be about the kids playing together. I’m friendly but not friends with any of my DC’s friends’ parents. The only group chats we have for a party or whatever are pure logistics.

no we all met same time.

Is she definitely ignoring you or could she be replying later than the other one and it just feels like she's ignoring you. I get really bad imposter syndrome so have to try to challenge myself and be objective about peoples responses as my immediate reaction is "they hate me"

Go. Give it a chance. If she's rude to you then just don't bother with the group chat and communicate directly with the first one and say no if she tries to invite matey, just say you got the impression she didn't like you so would rather not.

It could be that the first one is one of those "the more the merrier" people, or the other one is struggling to make friends so she's trying to include her.

I think you’re making huge assumptions about why she is acting that way. It might be a lack of confidence with new people which means she’s less likely to respond to you. I’ve had social anxiety in the past and would probably behave in the same way as she has.

I think lots of people lack social skills which shows in real life and posts on mumsnet. Even if you feel shy even if you dislike the person I’ve been raised to be polite in social situations so if someone doesn’t reply to a question you ask but responds to the same question another asks that shows lack of social skills and rudeness. It’s difficult to make people see this if you yourself are a rude person and only respond to people you deem worthy. Thank you for some of the responses. Of course I will go for my child and of course I will engage in polite conversations but I’m not going to extend an invitation to people I feel lack manners in the future.

Where is this play date? Aren’t they usually in the invitee’s home? If it’s at soft play or similar it’s just a day out; nothing wrong with inviting others along.
Why didn’t you just ask the kid round to yours?

Hounding the life out of people with questions about a trip to a playpark (or wherever you’re going) doesn't demonstrate finely honed social skills either, op.

It’s not a social situation though? It’s a few messages being exchanged to arrange for your kids (not you) to play together. I know it can feel like a social minefield when they’re small and parents need accompany but seriously you’re way overthinking it. How many messages can there even be about one playdate for her to ‘ignore’? And seriously you’d be doing your son a massive disservice if he can only invite friends to play based on how responsive their mum is on whatsapp…

You’ve been brought up to be polite? I wrote a genuine, heartfelt response about what it is like to be anxious around new people and your reply to me was rude and passive aggressive. It’s great to be polite, but it is equally important to have empathy and understanding, and to not negatively judge someone because you can’t understand that some people struggle in ways which you might not.

What! Isn't that what mumsnet is all about? Neither of them sound great, deffo not friend material anyway, but id go for the sake of your son (unless hes not bothered) then id mug it off

I believe you OP, you sound perfectly sensible and yes you do get a sense of people like this if you have a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence. Don’t be gaslit!

First red flag was the mum insisting the other one came, the second was the setting up of a group chat, the third is the second mum’s communication (or lack of) with you. Could there be a bit of jealousy /jostling for attention of R’s son between the children? I’d probably go but would be wary!

I’d also not necessarily withdraw from R but I’d not get pulled into involving T again. Just try and stay pleasant and neutral, whilst matching the energy you’re getting.

Lot of people lack social skills so you communicate text
Ok LOL