How likely is autism etc ? Is there any way to tell?

[Butaboutt]

I am 40 and DP is 45. We’ve been together 3 years and very in love. We’d both like a child but both of his siblings have got children with autism. One has also got one without autism too. Neither of his siblings have autism diagnosis and neither does DP.

I would say DP is somewhere on the spectrum but not in a way that impacts his life in any real way at all. I have neurodivergent traits but again no diagnosis.

I know that when you have a baby you have to accept all risks as they are inherent but I wonder if I’m at an increased risk of this in this context? I don’t know much about it and haven’t shared these fears with DP but will do when I feel I know more about this

All risks, including of autism and Down's Syndrome, increase as you get older but it's not an inevitability. I was in my early 30s when I had an autistic child; but I have friends who were much older mothers one at 46 and one at 48 whose children are both NT.

You do have increased risks both from age and from family history. I suppose the question is - IF you had a ND child would you feel equipped to deal with that, wherever they were on the spectrum? and would your partner back you up and be an equal partner in raising that child?

You are quite old and have autism in the family. I'd say the risks are high.

Autism is usually genetic (about 70/80% I believe) so if he shows potential signs, you believe you do too and other close relatives like cousins do then it’s very likely that a child you have will also be autistic.

what you obviously don’t know is how any type of neurodivergence will manifest and you absolutely shouldn’t let it put you off if you and your DP both want a child.

@10cupsofcoffeeplease is that based on evidence? I’m not being funny asking that, just curious and want to learn more

@RavenLaw honestly I am not sure I would be equipped to cope with it. I love my job and earn well and that’s my focus. DP I think would be very good, he’s extremely patient and not someone who wants to pursue career goals, he’s very family orientated

This is quite an interesting article - https://medschool.ucla.edu/news-article/is-autism-genetic - it mentions that “A majority (around 80%) of autism cases can be linked to inherited genetic mutations”

Autism is in the genes (as is ADHD), so it's very likely you'd have a child with autism. It's not a 100% certainty, but greatly increased odds. It definitely runs in families. I'm AuDHD (I'm autistic and have ADHD), my two grown kids are both very likely autistic, with one probably being AUDHD (they're both on the assessment pathway at the moment), and out of three grandkids, one is AUDHD, one is ADHD and the youngest is on the assessment pathway for both autism and ADHD (we all, including the school, think he's definitely AuDHD). My sibling is neurotypical but they have children, two of whom have ND conditions (one has AuDHD, the other is a bit more complicated). Looking back, I'm convinced my mother was autistic. I didn't know my grandparents really, so can't comment on them. So yes, it runs in families.

Do you know what levels those that are diagnosed are? Level 1 (low support needs), Level 2 (moderate support needs), or Level 3 (High support needs).

I was in my twenties when I had my autistic child. I see it in the genetics but no one else is formally diagnosed.

I also have other children with neurodiversity but not autism.

Have a read of this

https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/autism-in-adults/background-information/causes-risk-factors/

That sounds like you don't really want children at all, ND or NT. And that's not a bad thing. No one should have a child because it's what they think they should do, or what their partner wants, if they're not fully in board with the idea. The decision should be "Do I want a child", not "S+Do I want to chance having a child with autism?". If you're career oriented then any child is liable to put a dampener on that, at least for a little while....

I have an autistic father, my brother is autistic and my sister had 2 autistic children. I had my DD at 40 with a 46 year old DH and she is NT. But neither of us are ND so that might have players in our favour. We did stop at 1 though partly for the increased risk.

What does S+ mean?

Whilst I think it is laudable for someone to recognise they aren’t cut out for parenting a disabled child, you appear to be suggesting you wouldn’t be suited to parenting any child, if you think your job and earnings would be your sole focus. If that dynamic will works well for you both, that’s good, but in any household having only one parent who is willing to do the work of raising a child, the imbalance can lead to resentment, exhaustion, frustration.

Being autistic doesn’t automatically mean he will be uniquely equipped to deal with an autistic child.

Autism does run in families, so having several autistic nieces or nephews could mean there’s a higher likelihood, but it’s impossible to predict from family history alone. There isn’t a reliable prenatal test that can tell you whether a baby will be autistic. Given your ages and family history, a pre-conception appointment with a GP or genetic counsellor could help you understand the risks more clearly before making decisions.

Autism clearly runs in DH's family: I think about 30% of his DM and her siblings were autistic/ND (not all diagnosed) and probably the same for DH and his cousins generation. One of our two DC is autistic. All of these people present in quite similar ways: they are very intelligent and social, but struggle to eg stay in school, maintain friendships, with workplace discipline, and mental health. There's no one with severe autism.

I'm not a scientist and I don't have hard evidence for this, but my strong sense is that autism isn't caused by a single gene: it will have different genetic causes in different people. So the pattern of autism in different families will look different, and some cases are spontaneous mutations.

If your DH's autistic traits don't impact his life in any real way, then he isn't autistic (unless he's crafted a life to avoid doing any outside his comfort zone). I agree with PP that I'm not sure you're really invested in having children, and that's ok.

Don’t do it if you’re focused on your career. If you have any ambivalence there that is not kind to a child.
Don’t do it for your partner, since society is still set up for women to be the main parent and you will have to step up.
And please think about the fact that ND gets exposed in previously undiagnosed parents who had no idea - and this happens because it can be incredibly difficult raising ND children as a ND adult.

Eh what? Having a career isn’t a reason not to have a child for a man, shouldn’t be for a woman either, she’s said her DP would be more hands on

OP I believe autism is linked to paternal age, not maternal, but no one can really rule out that autistic guys are more likely to have kids late (so really just genetics). Your family history (DP nephews) is the main risk factor.

Here's an article about the link between parental age and autism.
https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

I'd say very likely. You think your DH is on the spectrum, you have traits, it's recognised in the family. Probably the one who 'isn't autistic' just isn't diagnosed. Is the undiagnosed one a girl by chance?

Me and my DH have traits and are not recognised by every day people as autistic. My DH does have a diagnosis but it doesn't really impact day to day. I don't have a diagnosis but traits. Our kids are more autistic than we are. We were young when we had them too.

My parents and grandparents no signs of any autism, however me and my sister have autism in massively different ways and my brother's don't. My dh doesn't have but out of our 4 only one has it

I wouldn’t have a baby if you think your DP will cope better than you as men are pretty good at abdicating all responsibility in a split. I think all women considering children so be prepared to raise them alone. Sad but unfortunately true

All of the neurodiversities are genetic. So you might have dyslexic dad but autistic child with adhd siblings for example. (Real research)

On 15th September this year, the National Autistic Society published their opinion that autism is genetic:

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/news/autism-is-genetic

Given that you say you have traits, and so does your DH, it's likely a child of yours will have traits. But not an absolute certainty.

Everyone thought my neurodivergent brother would be the best dad before he had kids, as he was super patient and family oriented. Turns out he was super patient because he was able to manage things pre kids. Having kids upended his nervous system in ways no one would ever have predicted. He was overwhelmed by having the kids he was at one time desperate for. No one saw it coming. Turns out when he lost his safe, predictable, uncomplicated, non pressured life, he isn’t patient. At. All.

So he'll be a old father AND has a family history of ASD? I would count on having on a autistic child. Older mens sperm carries defects leading to conditions/disorders/disabilities. And he clearly has a genetic disposition to it too.

My whole family is autistic. Some of us are functional. Jobs, families, hobbies, friends. A couple of us are less functional. One is never going to be able to live independently.

Would we have had children if we'd known? Probably. BUT some of us probably wouldn't have had such big families. One child with SEN (for me) has been OK. Unlike my DS who has 4 children, 3 of whom have SEN, 1 quite severely.