To tell friend that we weren’t keen on her new boyfriend?

[Sarahsrun]

This is a bit of a difficult one. One of my friend’s introduced me to her new boyfriend last night. It was a meal followed by a bar with myself, DH and another friend and her DP.

We (DH and other couple) travelled in/home together as we live close by.

On the way back, DH and my friend’s DP were quite scathing - they’d been chatting with him as a group in the bar and relayed some comments he had made about other women.

I wasn’t too sure either way during the meal, he seemed nice enough but made a couple of questionable comments which I internally raised my eyebrows at.

My friend has had a series of dreadful partners and I don’t want to see her hurt again. I am torn whether to say anything. It’s up to her what she does with it of course.

YABU - none of your business, keep your mouth shut
YANBU - if it was my friend, I’d tell her

I haven't voted but you do realise that the messenger always gets shot?
It'll be turned into a you issue, so I'd say nothing yet.

No you don't say anything OP, you are there for when it goes tits up.

You’ve given no context whatsoever so how can we give an opinion?

What awful things did he say?

You wait until she asks ‘so what did you think of Dave?’ & then you say ‘honestly? Sleazy & creepy. Might have just been nerves, but he made some comments which gave me the ick, & apparently he was worse when chatting to Tom & Steve.’

Your friend will probably be furious with you. But IME it comes out in the wash eventually anyway, & you might be saving her from herself.

If she doesn’t ask? Don’t volunteer it. But I’d be blunt if asked.

What difference would it make if you said something at this point? Choose your moment if you decide to.
My best friend had a horrible partner at one point and I chose to say nothing and tolerate him, fearing that he was trying to cut her off from her friends by being unpleasant to them. Eventually she realised and dumped him.

Your friend has a series of dreadful partners because she keeps attracting those men. Maybe she’s also dreadful…

If she's had a 'series' of dreadful partners then they're the sort of men she fancies.

So no, I wouldn't go repeating a conversation you weren't even privy to.

You'll just come across like two smug couples.

Or worse, she'll come back with all the things she doesn't like about your DH.

A friend of ours is seeing someone not one of us like and we know he is going to fuck her over in the end as he has already shown many many red flags however shes obsesed with him and refuses to see the bad side of him already making excuses for him. Absolutely no point telling her what a using dick he is because she has the love blinkers on so all we are doing is waiting on the inevitable break up and to be there for her. Some people do not want to see what the rest of us see and yes the messenger really does get shot unfortunately so say nothing is possibly the best course of action for you.

If you're going to say anything I'd repeat verbatim what he said rather than offer your subjective opinion.

The most I would do is ask her questions to see if she’s noticed his bad traits but I wouldn’t tell her he’s awful or that the others dislike him.

and I’d be ready to support her when she realizes he’s not good for her.

As my dad used to say, remember you are a member of the welcome party, rather than the selection committee.

I'd say something. For one thing it doesn't sound like the other men want to socialise with him again, so you'll end up having to come up with lies and excuses when she wants to repeat it.
I'd also be pretty upset in her shoes if my good friends were talking about my relationship behind my back and saying nothing to me.
I think I'd just say something like "it was a bit awkward the other night with Steve. He made some sexist comments Dan and Tom didn't like and I don't think they'll be wanting to meet up with him again".

Tell her if you know that it wouldn’t cause problems between you.

If you think it might just be tactful.

As a selection:

-He returned from getting a round of drinks to say the barmaid was really confused and not bright so he didn’t know how she got a job there. Then joked he could think of a ‘couple of reasons’ why she did - she was large chested.

-He pointed out a woman who walked past and made a reference to face sitting. Yes, really.

Both above were said to DH and my friends DP who aren’t ‘laddy’ in the slightest.

-At the dinner, he said he has a rule where he only has enough life belongings that he could be out of any house within 15 minutes. And that this was beneficial when finishing with his ex.

I had a friend like this but, importantly, she was also self-aware enough to understand that a) she was terrible at picking men and b) we cared about her and were looking after her. So when we pointed out that the latest one was shit she ended things. Eventually we coached her on red flags enough for her to find a good one that she’s now engaged to.

If she’s the type of person that people are describing here, that would side with the new shit guy she barely knows over her friends and bite your heads off for trying to warn her, I wouldn’t be friends with her. I don’t need a friend that brings that sort of stress into my life.

I think this is all about the way in which you tell her and more importantly how well you know your friend. Some people prefer the straight talking approach others not so much. If you feel that she would be receptive to your concerns let her know otherwise I’d be more subtle.

Yes. 100% tell her. No woman should be inadvertently seeing a man who pretty much everyone decent she introduces him to is going to think is an embarrassing creepy twat.
To not tell her would be the equivalent of not telling her she had loo roll stuck to her shoe.

So you care more about yourself not been moaned at that preventing potential harm to a friend?

Thats what the saying implies.

No. Don’t say anything. All that will happen is that she will carry on seeing him but not tell you when there are issues for fear of hearing ‘I told you so’. I was in this same situation with my sister. I thought he was a bit of an over confident knob lacking in self awareness on first meeting but relatively harmless. As time went on I saw red flags where he would subtly undermine and criticise her plus evidence of controlling behaviour. I kept my mouth shut until she announced they were moving in together in to a house she was buying. When I very gently suggested it may not be a good idea I was promptly dismissed and shut down.

Thankfully on moving in day he did something unforgivable very publicly and a friend had to step in and tell her that under no circumstances must she let him move in. Thankfully she didn’t but was dithering saying ‘but he’s got no where to live’ and making excuses for him. At that point I let rip with all the concerns I had, as did several of her other friends. We’d all noticed the same worrying red flags. I also predicated what would happen going forward if she stuck with him. She did stay with him for a further 6 months, but still didn’t let him move in, but because I planted the seeds of what would happen when they did she began to see the issues herself. She has now admitted then when each of the things I said would happen came true she could finally see through the lies and bullshit herself.

I agree with this - do I like all my friends partners- nope- do they all like my DH ? Very possibly not !

He sounds an utter knob.

This actually happened to me. I took my new boyfriend to meet my very best friend - we stayed the weekend at her house. I was utterly smitten and thought this guy was the best thing ever in the world (only because he was better than my XH).

After we got home she rang me and told me that he talked about himself ALL THE TIME. Never asked her one single question about herself. I, of course, couldn't see it and made excuses. It was only later that his narcissistic and self-involved mindset really came to light and I could see it.

I stayed friends with my friend. I just thought she was a bit nit-picky and that he'd been nervous. She was, of course, absolutely right, but it took time for that to sink in. So I would tell her, OP, but pick your words carefully, make it a 'he might just have been feeling nervous, but some of the things he said were a bit too on the nose for me' kind of thing rather than diving in to make him sound dreadful.

I don’t think it’s a good idea, she’s a grown up and will figure it out.

I think what sets this situation apart is that OP is not wondering whether to offer her opinion on the man based on his open character.
In this situation she has new information about him that her friend is presumably unaware of.
She's not wondering whether to share that she thinks he doesn't treat her friend well, or that he's boring or self centred or whatever, which is basically her opinion over her friends judgement at this stage.
She's wondering whether to tell her friend that the man she presumably thinks is decent actually makes crude and creepy sexual remarks about other women to men he barely knows. Which is pretty important new information.

If she asks what you thought, I'd tell her. I wouldn't volunteer the information