To make my 19yo son use bathroom on other floor

[UnfilteredMum]

Due to the set up of our house - a 3 storey townhouse - I've let one son share my en-suite bathroom for the past few years, rather than go down to the floor below to use the bathroom.

I'm single and haven't ever been that bothered about having my own space - for most of my kids' lives we had one bathroom and I didn't even have my own bedroom.
However, he's 19 now, often moody, often wanting to be on his own (though telling me not to take that personally); and really insistent that he needs to play music or other audio to get going in the morning.

It has started to really bother me to have him going through my room and then playing music in the ensuite.

He told me he would find it very difficult to use the downstairs bathroom, for various reasons - some of which I sympathised with - so I tried to put up with it, but I have had enough now and want him to switch.

Am I being unreasonable, and more importantly, does anyone have any wisdom or compromises to offer on how to handle this?

It's a fair challenge but to me I think it strengthens the case for swapping rooms with his brother rather than taking over the master suite.

Headphones?

Nope, put a lock on your door if needed and tell him he needs to use the downstairs bathroom like a grown up instead of waking you up and disturbing your sleep. Sounds like he has other bathroom all to himself most of the time anyway.
Tell him he needs to wear a robe to go downstairs if he sleeps naked. Bed wetting doesn’t make a difference which bathroom he uses surely ?

with this attitude you will bring up a son who no woman wants to live with.

Agree

There are two bathrooms and two adults. Time you both had independence.
Can you shift DS's bedroom to nearer the down stairs shower room?
Re organise the rooms to suit yourself.
Ask DS to help move furniture about.
Claim your privacy.

I agree with other posters saying he is putting himself first at your expense. He’s massively overstepping and you’re in boiled frog territory as it’s been going on so long.

Between the bathroom nonsense (and his behaviour and rationale really are nonsense) and the ‘you should be grateful I’m not on drugs’ it’s all sounding horribly manosphere.

To be honest @UnfilteredMum all of this makes him sound even more insensitive and unreasonable. He basically doesn’t want to do anything about any of his concerns and for you to just put up and shut up, your feelings don’t matter to him.

Nicely, it is time for him to start assuming the life of a grown up, and that involves him not trail unannounced through him mums bedroom and disturbing her morning peace- no idea why his need for music should take priority over your need for quiet, your my is important too.

Gentle conversation time and for him to start transit to a grown up relationship if he wants to live at home. Does he pay rent & contribute to chores?

I think an en-suite would be very, very helpful to a (possibly) autistic bedwetter who’s also a germophobe. It must be very difficult for him.
Also wondering if a room swap with his brother would help at all?

To be honest, with some of the things some men are reported on this board as having done or said, I think playing music in a shower is small fry.

It wasn’t just playing music was it? It was taking over his mother’s en-suite and refusing to go to a bathroom on another floor.

Time for a lock on your bedroom door

Gosh op, bedwetting at 19 is a serious issue and must be so demoralising for him. What treatments has he tried/been sought? I used to bed wet as a child and both my kids did too, it’s such an embarrassing issue at 8, never mind at 19. Sorting this needs to be prioritised? I’d also swap rooms for now so he has somewhere to put wet sheets etc in middle of night and a place to wash privately during night wets.

Does he walk into your room naked OP?

I think you should be as steely as you can manage right now because he sounds like he is developing very handy manipulation skills, whereas it’s other skills he will need when he moves out.

Absolutely agree, and also with the other poster who points out that, although you should be kind to your kids, you need to be aware of the possible impact on a young man of being a doormat to him as a mother. The messages it sends.

Sounds like his physical and mental health is not great. I would not battle over this and just let him carry on as he is.

Yes, this OP.

That is not normal. Does he knock/wait in case you are undressed or does he just walk in?

He needs to swap bedrooms with his brother, he needs to clean his own bathroom if he's a germaphobe, he needs to see his GP. But most of all he needs to see his manipulative tactics no longer work. Or he finds his own place to live.

Exactly this