To make my 19yo son use bathroom on other floor

[UnfilteredMum]

Due to the set up of our house - a 3 storey townhouse - I've let one son share my en-suite bathroom for the past few years, rather than go down to the floor below to use the bathroom.

I'm single and haven't ever been that bothered about having my own space - for most of my kids' lives we had one bathroom and I didn't even have my own bedroom.
However, he's 19 now, often moody, often wanting to be on his own (though telling me not to take that personally); and really insistent that he needs to play music or other audio to get going in the morning.

It has started to really bother me to have him going through my room and then playing music in the ensuite.

He told me he would find it very difficult to use the downstairs bathroom, for various reasons - some of which I sympathised with - so I tried to put up with it, but I have had enough now and want him to switch.

Am I being unreasonable, and more importantly, does anyone have any wisdom or compromises to offer on how to handle this?

People who said I should share the issues - yes, fair point, sorry I was just trying to not make post too long, plus it's embarrassing.

1. He still wets the bad fairly often. (Yes, we've sought help but still happens.) We have great water-absorbing mats, but he says he sleeps naked sometimes to save laundry.
2. He described himself as a germophobe and not happy with other son's standards of hygiene/cleanliness who was using that bathroom - however other son started Uni now, and we have cleaners - it is always pretty clean.
3. I have support workers come some days to help me, or people visit whom I am supporting and he is shy of them - he calls them 'random strangers in the house', and particularly doesn't want them to see him after bed-wetting, or coming out of shower. They never come early morning though, and mostly stay downstairs with me, except if cleaning.
4. He has said he thinks he might have ADHD/ Autism/Borderline Personality Disorder. I think the first two are quite possible, BPD unlikely. He's also said - when we did talk about playing music - that he has very negative thoughts each morning and uses music and nice showers* to block them and get going. However he hasn't sought out help for these things - he just thinks I should make allowance for his need for music and for me leaving him alone when he wants.
5. He is working with very challenging kids and meanwhile trying to go pro basketball - so he says I should be grateful he's not doing drugs/getting girls pregnant/etc like some 19 year olds, instead of complaining about his music or minor issues.

*the lower floor shower is decent, better than I grew up with or he grew up with, but the top floor shower is very nice.

Why? Is he paying the rent/mortgage?? An ensuite is a privilege not a right.

He really is being disrespectful to you as in he thinks everything should revolve around him and you are some skivvy that comes last.

Regardless, the new rule for now is that if he wants to use your bathroom, he doesn’t play music in it. End of. If he can’t do that, tough shit for him.

could the bed wetting be linked to chronic constipation op? It’s often picked up in kids & can be successfully treated & resolved. He’s obviously older but still needs resolving. There are 2 charities that are really helpful - ERIC and Bowel Bladder UK.

the issues with cleanliness would suggest perhaps neurodiversity - they can be linked - sometimes getting a diagnosis can be so helpful in understanding yourself so maybe something to look into or additional support?

all sounds very difficult I wish you luck with things x

Your house your rules.

i understand why your bathroom might be more convenient for him but tbh he can just get himself a robe to pull on. Why is his comfort more important than yours? I have never let my kids (now adults) use my en suite. There were two other bathrooms and three kids who needed to work it out between themselves.

It would teach him something very weird if you gave up your bedroom to him, or if you put up with him using your bathroom when it's not comfortable for you anymore.

He needs to learn that other people - and women in particular, and family members, and his elders - have needs and he can learn to accommodate those with good grace.

Nope, no way José. Still not a sufficiently compelling reason to deny yourself the pleasure of your own little sanctuary now.
Plus, he has a bloody nerve trying to set out his rules of engagement with you, as though you were running an AirB&B, and he was paying you a fortune. He should put up and shut up, frankly.

His problem is a separate matter, but I reiterate, he has no genuine need of your space at all; he’s just being princessy.
But he really has to strive to improve matters to some degree, such as ditching the reflexive urge to blame some Zeitgeisty syndrome or other to every niggle he experiences in his life
Labels aren’t always a great idea, and he risks sheltering behind them and rendering himself incapable of surviving as an adult out in the world, instead
remaining with you for good! Which is not on.

I think you should be as steely as you can manage right now because he sounds like he is developing very handy manipulation skills, whereas it’s other skills he will need when he moves out.

(No university though his brother’s going? How’s is that, in terms of vibes between them at home? Any friction? Has he finished with education now?)

Precisely! 👏🏼

My stepson occasionally wet the bed at that age . His mother had never sought professional help for him . Medication really helped the problem (unless he drank a lot of beer ) and getting a girlfriend. After a few years he was able to ditch the meds . How can your son contemplate travelling, playing basketball and sharing with others if he doesn’t try for a solution ?

Don’t let him turn into an unmanageable princess! He does need to continue to seek help for his issue but the rest of his rationale comes off as him trying to manipulate you into having an extremely comfy set-up. He’s a teenager and can adjust to going downstairs for the bathroom - he can wear yesterday’s pants to the bathroom and leave a robe in there to return to his room after showering. You deserve your own peace plus how is he ever going to leave home if he ‘needs’ the best bathroom, to be able to walk around naked and blast his music whenever he wants? The only possible change I might possibly consider is asking his brother to swap rooms the next time he is home, so that he could be the one with the longer trip to the bathroom if he isn’t living at home full time. Even then though, I’d leave that as for them to decide between them.

Sounds like the solution is that he cleans the downstairs bathroom and takes his showers early, before anyone enters the home. That would solve all of his issues as it would be to his standards and he can play his music.

There is no compromise in his list.

1. get a dressing gown
2. he’s an adult can clean the other bathroom to his own standards, brother needs to keep it clean when he’s home
3. these are people you need to help you he has to accept them or find his own place
4. his need to music does not trump your need to peace and quiet.
5. we all have challenging situations in our lives we still have to be mindful of the people we live with.

You need and adult conversation about how adults shared a home, compromising and being considerate to each other.
Not easy I still have these with my 22 year old when she stays and she is a work in progress, but you have to start somewhere.

Does he have something wrong with his legs?

He just needs a dressing gown.

I appreciate he is your child , but he is a grown man so I don't think he should be walking through your bedroom to get to a bathroom . I think you both need more privacy than that at this stage.
Does he have a dressing gown?
Why doesn't he take on cleaning the bathroom on the lower floor so it's to his standards , sounds like the other son is mostly not there so he would have it to himself?
Is there a bedroom next to the lower floor bathroom he can move into?
There's a few solutions here , I think you need to hold the line and sit him down and work out which one he will be doing.

You're in great danger of him walking all over you OP. This should never have got to this stage but it has so it's time to put your foot down. Just tell him it's time to stop. No compromise. He's a grown man. If he doesn't like the cleanliness or anything else about the downstairs room he either sorts himself or moves out.

I may be making a leap here but this sounds like a control thing. He's definitely trying to control you through all these spurious reasons but is he also trying to control your life more broadly? What happens if you meet someone? You can't have your son wandering through your bedroom if you have a partner... has he thought of this?

No he's 19, there is no problem with him walking down a floor to use the bathroom.

This is what I think!

And you do have to be careful in raising boys not to teach the wrong lessons - and those include that men’s needs don’t come before women’s. Especially not when it comes to things like privacy.

I think I have quite a “kind” (I won’t say gentle as it suggests all the wrong connotations!) approach to parenting and of course really love both DD and DS equally (they are almost 18 and 12) but it is something I’m alive to.

For fullness of disclosure, DD does use my en suite tbh but she is the sweetest, most unassuming person and doesn’t have any of the entitled attitudes that the OP’s DS seems to have picked up. And she does it in the evening (and not every day) which makes a difference. But what she doesn’t do is wander about with her radio on, which she likes and I don’t, or have it on in space that others are also using as she’s considerate.

DS doesn’t want to use my en suite - there’s a perfectly good bathroom on the first floor but my shower is better, DS prefers baths - but currently if he did it would be fine as long as he didn’t try to lay down the law in the way the OP’s DS does.

I was also wondering if he could swap into his brother’s old room on the other floor now said brother is at Uni.

If he’s wetting the bed he needs to see a GP.
His thing about germs isn’t your issue.

Hes not going to function in life and go play basketball with a bunch of blokes if he’s needing to share an en-suite with his mum. I’d stop enabling his excuses. Get your room and privacy back!

This brings a whole new angle to it.
If it was me, I would absolutely give him the en-suite room and give him some privacy while he navigates all of this. It must be awful for a 19 year old lad and this might be a real boost for him and then you can just use another room.

He frankly sounds a bit territorial and willy wavy. He wants privacy himself without caring at all about yours. What if you want to be naked in the privacy of your own bedroom? Everyone else is right about respect and how he needs to learn it. Genuinely if he is ever going to live with anyone else successfully he needs to learn to stay out of their space, knock and go away if not invited in.

Swapping bedroom with his brother might work if it makes sense for his brother but don't do it if it means 19yo "winning" over his brother. If the washing machine is downstairs it makes much more sense for him to be a floor down, for sheet washing, and being on separate floors means more privacy for you both.

If he doesn't listen to reason it's tempting to tell him bluntly that you can hear him poo, and smell it afterwards, from your bed and that is just not on. Embarrass him into it. En suites are not general access.

If you are happy to compromise perhaps you could say he's allowed to use your en suite when you are on a different floor or between set daytime hours. But I think it would be more appropriate to just ban him from it. Self respect and privacy OP.

Why not? OP is being inconvenienced every day. It’s the obvious solution.

Must say I agree.

He has a medical condition that means close access to a bathroom and privacy are essential. Yes he can 'cope' with not having an ensuite, but if there is the possibility, it would probably be a game changer in how he can manage and deal with the issue.

Anyone saying 'just get a dressing gown' or 'wear yesterdays clothes' have clearly never dealt with serious incontinence issues in anything but small children. Anything they put on their body after waking needs to be double washed along with everything else. It's creating more work and sleeping naked then walking to the bathroom naked is so much easier.