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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my husband is mean to buy the children clothes and keep them at his house?

48 replies

electra · 02/07/2008 00:47

He only sees them every other week and they will grow out of them. I don't get it...

OP posts:
BurpyErnie · 02/07/2008 01:02

At least he is buying them stuff! It is not a bad thing you know. He could demand suitcases packed by you!

madamez · 02/07/2008 01:08

Does he give a reason? Or is it just that he has bought them a couple of sets of clothes in case of emergency (ie one of them decides to flush all his/her clothing down the loo or something).

Alambil · 02/07/2008 01:15

saves you packing so much!

DeeRiguer · 02/07/2008 01:32

yeah he might be thoughtful, spillages etc

my sil and her ex would not allow any toy to pass between the houses on visits
apparently they had duplicates in each home
wierd no?

Lovesdogsandcats · 02/07/2008 01:47

Oh my ex was the same. Its a control thing, dickheads they are, and very weak, pathetic little men...ahhhh feel better now!!

Tortington · 02/07/2008 02:54

its a control thing i suspect. fuck it - small minds

youcannotbeserious · 02/07/2008 05:37

absolutely nothing to do with control imho....

my DH and i do this for me DSDs.

We have learnt, over the last 9 years, that it doesn't matter how much stuff we send back each week, the kids will come with nothing, dressed in school uniforms which are unsuitable for weekends.

unless you are prepared to pack a suitcase AND deal with the fact that items may be lost, damaged or returned unclean as there wasn't time to wash /iron, then i think you are being totally unreasonable.

in fact, the most controlling thing is you being upset at what your ex does over and above for your kids....

SofiaAmes · 02/07/2008 06:18

I don't know why your husband (?) does it, but I know why I used to....
I used to buy clothes for my stepchildren and keep them at my house. Their mother would send them in dirty, stained, ripped clothing that were sometimes several sizes too small. (I even got a pair of trainers covered in dog poo in a carrier bag once). She would send them without underwear or socks. Without a bathing suit for a week they were having swimming lessons. With no sweater or jacket in the middle of winter. This wasn't once or twice or an occasional omission. This was every weekend for years. In the beginning I would buy the missing clothes and send them home with the kids.They never came back and often dh would get a phone call complaining that I hadn't bought a name brand or the right name brand. I never complained or commented to the children and occasionally I'd even repair the holes (some of which were quite clearly deliberately done).
So, in the end, I had had enough and just went out and bought practical clothes to fill in the gaps and those clothes were kept at our house. AND just in case you were wondering about not getting good use out of them. I kept the clothes after they had grown out of them and now my dc's wear them.

BouncingTurtle · 02/07/2008 06:36

How do you know they are not wearing them?
DH and I buy a few odd bits for DSS which we always keep here, but generally twice a year DH and dss's mum take turns buying a job lot of clothes (she buys it all, we give her the money over and above maintenance), and she sends some of it up to us. But we've had a few times when she has forgotton to send us pants, or pyjamas or he's grown out of stuff so we fill in the gaps. Plus has not liked particular items she has bought - they just have different tastes.
We keep them to make sure he always has sufficient clothing here. We also rarely let him take toys to his mum's house as the times we have he has lost them and then has complained at our house he can't find them! We don't have duplicates - imagine how boring it would be for him if he has to play with the same toys at his dad's house
It is necessarily a control issue, unless he is the sort of person who does things like this?

BalloonSlayer · 02/07/2008 07:04

Another perspective here - my friend's ex keeps her very short of money [long story, not mine to tell so you will have to believe me].

He berates her for not looking after the kids properly (he did this when they were together). The old chestnut of him taking them off her is constantly employed.

One of his criticisms is that the children "look scruffy." Well, she has hardly any money thanks to you mate. So he buys them designer gear and keeps it at his house for them to wear when they are with him. So that only he can benefit from seeing them in nice stuff.

Nice guy.

kitbit · 02/07/2008 07:10

Why shouldn't he enjoy buying clothes too? Doesn't just have to be mum that does it all. dh loves taking ds shopping and has a great time buying him all the cool T shirts that he could never carry off wearing himself.Plus there's the practical aspect as others have said, it makes sense to have some clothes at both houses - also makes dad's house seem more like home if his stuff is there. YABU

youcannotbeserious · 02/07/2008 07:14

There is a saying, though:

Banging your head against a brick wall.

My DH has (and does) allow the kids to take things back to their mums and invariably we don't get things back. though, like SofiaAmes, we will be berated if anything she has sent doesn't go back in perfect condition and has to be replaced if we lose or damage an item.

So, we double up here (at our expense I would add. It doesn't affect her money). So why cares if we buy Asda or Armani????

And, I will second the assertion that I have seen kids delivered to the NCP without underwear or other basics such as a coat in winter.

I'm sorry, but NCPs can't win.

fairydust · 02/07/2008 07:25

we do exactly the same dss come in clothes on friday and then goes home in them on a sunday he then a full wardrobe of clothes here to wear over the w/e it just saves hassel it means we can pick dss at short notice with the hassell of his mum havin to pack a bag and some constantly ferrying clothes back and forth.

AbbeyA · 02/07/2008 07:37

I think it is a good idea-it saves all the hassle of packing.

bonkerz · 02/07/2008 07:43

we do same for DSD, she comes in and goes home in the same clothes and has an extensive wardrobe here. I sent her home in PJs the other week as she had been bathed and i had washed her school uniform but im still waiting for the PJs to be returned! It does save packing and also saves arguments about clothes not being washed to her mums standards (LOL) Also it shows DSD she belongs here just as much as DS and DD does.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/07/2008 07:45

Why shouldnt he buy things for his children? At least he'll have spare things there for spills, trips out etc.

I see many threads saying the ex doesnt pay of buy anything and then when they do they get moaned at as well!

Judy1234 · 02/07/2008 07:54

As people say above it just depends on the situation. My ex pays nothing and does nothing so it's all very simple and hasn't had them to stay once in 5 years at his 5 bed unmortgaged detached house 5 minutes from here bought with my money.

A lot of resident parents do unfortunately do the things mentioned above like make sure the clothes are never seen again so it can just be simpler to keep them here. I did hear of one mother who sent the child almost naked to make some kind of point. And sometimes we've found it hard to find clothes they have that don't have holes in to send them to their father in although I always try to find a set without any holes if possible not that he ever comments on their clothes and they only stay 2 hours at the very much so it's not quite the same issue.

Judy1234 · 02/07/2008 07:55

Also if he only sees them every other week perhaps one solution if for him to see them every other day but of course it might be the fahter not being prepared to see them more not the mother stopping that contact so that solution might not be possible. Some children live half the week with each parent or every other weekand obviously then it makes sense to haev clothes at both places.

Kimi · 02/07/2008 08:01

Lord our kids stuff goes from home to home and they have a wardrobe full at both, lifes to short to make a thing out of stuff

OrmIrian · 02/07/2008 08:04

Friend of mine does this with her SS. But that is because all the new clothes they bought for him used to disappear back to mum's house and never be seen again. SS would reappear in the same tatty old stuff.

hammertime · 02/07/2008 08:06

You don't need to 'get it'. He probably doesn't 'get' the things you do either.

He is their father, he wants to buy them things, he doesn't want to give them the impression that they don't live at his house too. He doesn't want to get into a discussion with you about washing and packing and weather appropriate clothes. He doesn't want to have to say to you we are doing X this weekend so please make sure they have Y with them and then get a lecture on why X is a stupid idea. He wants them dressed to his taste when they are out with him.

They will also grow out of the things that you buy. My ds is only 4 and is wearing things that he wore last summer. They do grow out of things but it takes months and months.

YABU as well as controlling

jammi · 02/07/2008 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 02/07/2008 08:17

My partner and I buy most of my stepsons' clothes - their paternal grandmother and a great aunt buy most of the rest. Their mother only buys them clothes very occasionally.

Their laundry is mostly done at their mother's house by their nanny (paid for by my partner and grossly underemployed). Since she is really bad at washing, and clothes get ruined quickly, we keep the newest stuff at our house to ensure the boys look nice when they are here.

ChopsTheDuck · 02/07/2008 08:27

My exh did it when he was seeing the kids. I jsut accepted it and would send them in tatty old clothes, since half the time things went missing or got stained there anyhow. So they wore clothes that he had bought there and I didn't have to pack any more.

Actually dp's family do the same now. Most of the stuff they give us, but some stuff they keep at their place. It's handy, I don't have to pack too much if they go to stay and we have spares if there is an accident while we are there.

You are right, they won't really get the wear out of them, but it's his money that is being wasted, so leave him to it.

Lovesdogsandcats · 02/07/2008 09:19

youcannotbeserious you are lucky in that your ex is normal.

Mine most certainly is not and I know, it sounds mad, but I know for a fact that in his case, the keeping of stuff there, was controlling. I say 'was' because he doesn't do it any more, because luckily for the kids, his now wife is sensible and she tells him he isn't on when he tries to make them leave stuff. Honestly, they had to leave

I'll tell you why its controlling. Anything the kids used to get given from him or his side of the family, had to be kept there. Clothes, toys, anything. He used to see them twice a month. So, all this stuff didn't get used in between. If the kids wanted to bring a toy back, that they had been given for birthday or whatever on a visit to him, he used to make them leave it there. And they might have just been given it, and wanted to play with it obviously as it was new, and they wouldn't be able to for 2 weeks!! Why not let them bring it home, and take it back there next time?

Once, ds took an action man thing there and was playing with it all the time he was there. On leaving to come home, his dad talked him into keeping it there so 'he would be able to always play with it when he went there' wtf??? Erm he could always play with it when he went there anyway because he would take it there if he wanted to, and that way he could play with it here for the 2 weeks until he'd be seeing his dad again? Ds was upset and only got it back cos I rang dickhead to tell him he needed to bring it the next day when he was visiting round here.

Now, things are as they should be. If anything from there like clothes come back here on the kids, I will wash and send back, and they do the same.

He stopped doing it really, when I stopped confronting him. I made out i didn't care any more (of course I did care, I cared a lot, especially when I had upset kids to deal with because once again he had made them leave something they wanted to bring home)

It was almost as if he completely cut out of his mind that they had a life away from the 2 visits a month with him!