To think that my husband is mean to buy the children clothes and keep them at his house?

[electra]

He only sees them every other week and they will grow out of them. I don't get it...

In his defence, we have a few items of clothing which we keep at our house because quite often, ExWife sends little girl over in dresses and sandals which look fab, don't get me wrong but if we've planned a trip to the Zoo, not ideal.

It's not a control thing at all...just being practical...

Dsd has clothes and toys here. The way we looked at it was that she wasn't a visitor who arrived with a suitcase, this was her home too. I think it's a lot less hassle this way round - she doesn't have to remember to bring things she needs, and if we decide to do something on the spur of the moment like going swimming or a night's camping she has everything she needs.

It was a nightmare the first couple of visits when she was tiny. I think she must have packed her own bag as she turned up one visit with no knickers and a bag full of jumpers (it was summer), and the next time she came with a bag of dirty washing.

We didn't used to allow her to take toys home either as our experience was that by the next visit they had been broken or "lost". We now know that the man dsd's mum left dh for wouldn't have anything to do with dh in the house. Dsd told us once that he'd thrown away a photo of her Dad and she'd had to retrieve it from the bin and hide in .

Having two lots of things has worked well in our situation, and it's absolutely not about control.

my dh buys my dc clothes and keeps them at his house.. this suits me, i thn dont have to pack a case, which also means i dont have to do the washing once they return. i think a lot of people do this. also think ex husbands like to keep clothes/toys etc at their houses because its also nice for the dc, makes them feel at home when with their dad, rather than living out of a bag.

God I wish H would do this, he only has them fornightly (at the moment) but I have to pack stuff everytime they go to him and he ALWAYS has to check every bloody thing I've packed before he leaves the house with them - Saturday he only had them for the day and he took 40 minutes to "make sure I'd packed everything"..

I dream of the day he has his own place (he's currently in a house share) so he can have an extra "set" of EVERYTHING there......

Can't speak for anyone else jammi, but we have never been through court for access. I wish he'd see them more tbh.
The toys that ex used to get the kids to keep there included toys I had bought and they had taken for the day/weekend

Laughlots thats exactly how it should be, because of course they aren't 'visitors with a suitcase' when they go for access visits.

However if my kids want to take their toys from here to their dads and vice versa, its up to them is isn't it, not their dad to take control and force them to leave things there.

We have clothes and toys here for dsd (no court battle). Its her (2nd) home and as such, I think its nice that she has her own bedroom with a wardrobe of her own clothes and surrounded by her own things.

She obviously goes back to her mum's sometimes in "our" clothes and vice versa and we both just wash them and send them back (or put her in them next time). She rarely takes toys that we/family have bought back to her mum's because they'd probably get left and we wouldn't see them again. She does have lots of duplicates (in fact, with toys at gp's houses she has something like 6 pushchairs & dolls in total )

I don't think its weird and as a step child myself who always felt like a visitor at my dad's house, we've really tried to make sure dsd doesn't feel like that here

My friend does that. It's because his xw sends their son with the bare minimum of stuff and it is often wrong for the weather (ie thick trousers and jumper on a sweltering w/e), no swimming stuff, no medicine when the poor kid had the worst case if chicken pox I've ever seen etc. My friend can now feel that he is equipped and can make his son comfortable so they can have a nice time together instead of a miserable because it's freezing the poor boy has no coat etc.

I'm sure you don't do that. Your x may just like to have the stuff around to remind him.

"Your x may just like to have the stuff around to remind him"

yes, that thought did cross my mind too, BUT what father would keep his daughters best doll and his son's action man there, knowing they wanted them at home and wouldn't be seeing him and the toys for 2 weeks?

It lunacy I tell you!!

Crikey, this provoked quite a reaction! Thanks for views, on both sides.

Well to give my perspective I do always send them with enough clean, washed and ironed clothes which are the correct size.

I suppose I am annoyed because he is trying to pay as little maintenance as possible and I have struggled to afford clothes that fit them (and my parents have had to end up buying for them - although this is only temporary)

I wouldn't say that I'm being controlling....but I do think it's a shame for them - dd2 couldn't understand why she can't have her dress, for example. I think if he had them say half the time it would be fair enough but he sees them only every other week. He is the same about wanting to keep toys he has bought them that they really love. To me it seems rather petty.

However, I probably won't mention it to him.

What this shows is that while, on the whole it's practical to keep extra clothes at the NRP's house for a variety of good reasons. there is nothing that some arsehole XPs won't make an issue of, so it all depends on people's individual circumstances. Like everything.

I agree madamez.

Also, one poster said "what your ex does over and above for your kids" They are his kids too! And while we are no longer together I think that we should both put the children's interests first in the way we conduct ourselves with regard to these matters...

It was me who said that.

In my situation, m DH's ex's money is her money. IF she lowers herself to get a job, the first £15K is hers, for her trouble, before she has to pay for anything to do with the kids.

This is written into the court order at her demand. It was the only way she would look to retrain at anything (otherwise the 'depression' she was suffering from wouldn't allow her to work).

And, when I say she pays for nothing for the kids, I do mean nothing. Nada. Not even their pocket money for when the kids are with her. We pay that too.

So, yes, couldn't agree more that the kids are his too. But they are also hers. And she has no trouble at all not paying for them.

This is just my personal experience.

Well that's awful. But my situation is quite different from yours - I suppose that will alter how people see it. My ex-dh has run off without paying dd2's nursery fees (which he was supposed to do while they were living with him because he had control of all the money). However, I suppose that is a separate issue which my solicitor is dealing with.

it's sensible for there to be plenty of spares at his place for sake of convenience. but OTT if there's lots of nice stuff going to waste most of the week.

Jammi, to answer your question...yes my dh went to court to get access to his kids. But I think the clothes thing was a symptom of the same problem that made him have to go to court, not a consequence of it.

Electra, couple of things....I do think it is telling (of what I'm not quite sure) that your refer to your ex (or soon to be?) as your husband in your initial post.

Also, no offense intended to the men on this site, but is it possible that your ex is just being typical male dense and has not realized that your dd is upset because she can't bring her dress home. Could you have a nice, non accusatory conversation with him that suggests that maybe on occasion he could let them bring something home. And that you will make sure it gets send back the following visit. Despite my long tale above, if my dc's particularly wanted to bring something home (which didn't happen always, but did occasionally), I would never stop them from doing so. The reality was (and I'm sure this isn't your case) that things would get lost and broken in their mother's household, so they were generally happy to and often actively chose to, leave things at ours.

And that works the other way too - youcannotbe - my children are my ex husband's but he pays nothing, not one single penny except sometimes he buys them sweets when they're with him in the 1 - 2 hours a week.

I am sure a lot of fathers would like at their house signs of their children being there.If I were forced to live apart from my children I would want the smell of them, their bed cltohes, their tops and I can imagine fathers going into rooms of absent children almost in tears wanting some connectino with the child particularly in those cases when they can only see a child they love and want to be with every day something pathetic like once a fortnight so I am sure having a child's things and clothes in your own house so they feel likje teh afther's house is as much theirs makes the father feel better and also if good fun stuff is only at the father's house surely that will help ensure the child keeps up contact which some children can't be bothered with. If teh nintendo wii is only at the father's you'll probably still get the teenager boy to visit! Good tactic.

Well there are a lot of interesting perspectives here.

SA - when I say he's my husband I mean that he is in the legal sense iyswim as the divorce isn't yet final. But I can assure you I don't have any feelings of wanting to still be with him - I initiated the break up in fact...

Does that not mean you don't have to pack stuff to send with them??

My friends, ex doesn't let their DD bring toys homes from his....she now has two of everything!

my xp has stuff for dd at his house, he buys a few bits, i buy the bulk he will help pay if i ask. not because he isnt awae of costs or anything but because he isnt sure sizes to buy. he only has her one weekend every other week and doesnt want to spend most of his time shopping for clothes. i can understand that its not her fav past time. so i do the bulk of it and pass things to his. sometimes it means he ends up with lots of the wrong clothes, i.e. the weekend gone he ended up with just long sleeved tops at his as she has gone in a long sleeve and the next day is nice so he sends her back in short sleeved tops. so he has asked can i send afew next time.
the same as somehow it has worked i found i only had a couple of pairs of socks here she had about 10 there so he sends some back.
we find it works well for us this way. we do have quite a good relationship though, we have never gone to solicitors/ courts or anything.
i sent lots of toys to his when she first started staying at his, she had too many here and none there seemed silly to make him buy more we bought them between us to start with or they were gifts from other family memebrs.
sometimes she'll take things from here to there and vice versa.
it saves lots of carrying. xp doesnt drive and walks over to collect her (lives in next town) so saves him having to carry lots with him. i drive over and bring her home on the sunday. i live in a flat so saves me having to carry a tonne of stuff up 2 flights of stairs as well as dd when she comes home

You are right, Xenia - I agree. My DH would not want our home to not feel like his DD's home too - even though they are not with us full time.

It's important for the kids too. Both my DSDs have rooms here and I think they appreciate that they are always welcome here.

i dont think he is being unreasonable by doing this i would find this helpful as its not down to me to pack and do washing when comes home

would make it feel like going from home to home and being an activre parent children are not in clothes long anyway but if he wants to do it why not he will do washing for her and put clothes away and would make him feel more like a parent by doing this

if my dp and i split up i would hope he would do the same as it would show he cr=ares and isnt relying on me to do all this as well as full time care for ds