To ask for advice on separation/house/kids

[idontknowwhattodo2026]

AIBU to ask for advice on how to deal with house situation and what to say to soon to be ex DH?
we have 1 child together (4yo) and he has 2 from previous marriage. They are 14 and 17.
We currently own a house together with deposit that was provided by my grandparents. I also have e a debt tied the house which he agreed to - it was related to nursery fees and expenses for his older children.
so I want to sell, clear debt, pay back my grandparents and find somewhere for me and little one. (I will still make effort to see my step kids, they are great).
DH wants to keep the house but can’t afford to buy me out. He says he me be able to stretch to enough for me to pay down back to my debtors. But i would still be in debt. He says he can give the money back in a few years or whenever. But he also has debt that I just found out about a few days ago. (I thought he has paid most of it with some inheritance from my other grandparents that I gave him but it seems to have made no difference).
he has already said LO will mainly live with me so at least we agree on that, he says can probably have him other weekend or so.
the other kids main home is with their mum.
so if I am right in thinking selling the house is best how do I approach without making him angry? And he says it won’t be fair to the kids not to all have a bedroom with him so how I can I make things fair?

I’m so overwhelmed I want to do what’s best for LO but don’t want to let down the other kids - although the older they get the less they come and all their main stuff is at their mums - so I am torn but I’m trying to imagine being them and all of a sudden not having separate bedrooms at dads 😢 …
I feel LO will be happy to share with dad or whoever so I don’t think it will impact them the same but the older ones are boy and girl and if we sell DH will only afford a 2 bedroom.

whatever advice is appreciated please
thank you x

It's his problem to figure out bedrooms for the kids he chose to have and only has occasionally. Don't let him pass his problems on to you, the house and any assets will be sorted in the divorce, if he refuses to sell, he will be court ordered to.

Enjoy life free of him, if you're scared of his anger, use a parenting app to arrange child visitation.

Be very careful here and do not agree to anything! Was the money from your grandparents given as a ‘gift’? If so, there is no legal right for them to have that gift returned. However, any debts either of you have are considered joint debts. Depending on how long you’ve actually lived together and been married will depend on what the courts deem to be a fair split of equity.
You need a solicitor asap.

Blimey what a chancer, trying to get the house off you. Don’t allow this, it’s his job to provide a home for his kids, not yours.

Thank you both for your replies.
I forgot to add that half of the equity would cover my debt and pay my grandparents back- and I live always paid at least half of the monthly mortgage, sometimes more, so I know I would be I titled to at half equity and profit after we sell and it makes sense to just do a 50/50 split I think. He is laying on the guilt trip and I am struggling with that as he is making me feel like I am ruining his life

It was never a legal agreement - I said I would pay them back and they said only if I could.
so I know there is nothing legal that can be done about it and that it is more of a moral issue. I have paid back some each month, DH has not and was annoyed I was doing that. Now he says he will speak with them and pay them back later. It is more his attitude about it as I realise he never had any intention of paying Bach even though we had agreed on the beginning we would do that. My grandparents are getting on so it will be nice they can. Enjoy the money.

He Is playing a game and you need to wise up urgently. Put those feelings of empathy and care aside when it comes to money because I can assure you with absolute confidence, your compassion will not be reciprocated. You have a son, do it for him if you can’t do it for yourself.

Yes you are right I do need to wise up.

Decline the guilt trip. You're divorcing, so his problems are his alone. Shut down any conversations and leave it to the divorce process, tell him to contact your solicitor and not to discuss things with you, cheerily and avoid being around him as much as possible.
Worry about his future housing as much as he worries about yours.

Thank you - am a very passive non confrontational person so I find it difficult being stuck under the same roof. He has family in the city and I don’t so I have asked him if he could stay elsewhere until we get it sorted. I know if I go somewhere else things won’t get sorted. He is not helping with packing/ painting etc because he is not agreeing to sell. It’s very stressful really and the atmosphere is not good for LO who is currently very clingy with me and sometimes even refusing to look at his dad and I feel so bad that this is the life I have given him 😭

Basically I had hoped things could be amicable and have been trying to maintain the peace as I thought that would be best

From your op I can tell DH is already starting to manipulate you for his own gain. Pls op wise up and talk to a solicitor. Pls look out for yourself and your child. It’s lovely u get on with your step children but it’s not your responsibility to facilitate the relationship with their dad going forward. They’ve got rooms at their mums, it’s your ex DH issue now, on how to room all the kids at weekends etc.
pls put your financial future first and do not let him influence you.

So keep being passive, if he starts whingeing at you just go about your day. Tell him to pass it to your solicitor. Grey rock. 'mm.' 'ok.' 'I'm sure you'll figure it out.'

Don't provide him with an audience. The only peace to keep is yours and your child's.

I’m assuming you have already, but if not I would strongly suggest you get some proper legal advice here.

If you did not take steps at the time to ring fence the deposit your grandparents had gifted you it may well be the advisor could help you try and ensure you get this back.

Also as you are married you may be liable for 50% of his debts including the ones you didn’t know about. He’s unlikely to be in a position to buy you out and take on a new mortgage just got him if he’s building up extensive debts already.

Either way yes you definitely should be looking to make a clean break by selling and dividing the money appropriately according to the legal advice you get.

Why have YOU got a debt tied to the house which was linked to expenses for HIS older children?

So what will happen is that the gift from them will be ignored. For example, say the house cost £200k, they gifted you £20k and you took out a £180K mortgage. If the house sold for £225k now, you would end up with approx £45K once the mortgage and any charge against the house was paid off. A 50/50 split would see each of you getting £22.5K. Obviously if you’ve paid off any of the mortgage that would mean greater equity. Your STBEx would end up with a nice little pay out without even putting anything into the purchase of the house.
Thats why you need legal advice!

Well to be honest - I’m a people pleaser, and easy to take advantage of etc.
i realise this now because I have been engaging in psychological therapies and have learned a lot of myself. MY GP sent me there after having mental health issues and suspected to be on spectrum and so I have been exploring everything and have become much more aware of things so managed to ask to separate which was the first step.
I still have more work to do. I am more aware of my limitations but not always so easy to do what I know I should do or am entitled to etc

Thank you - he has told me we don’t need to go legal and that I can trust him that he will give me my money on the future but I realise now that is not what’s best for me and LO and will not be agreeing to that. He initially tried to get me to leave without him having to buy my out. I know he thinks I’m stupid

Thank you yes I do need legal advice.
I just find it all a bit overwhelm and scary to be honest! But i k ow it’s for the best and i need to do what’s best for my son

Aww love, don’t be fooled by him. Remember, knowledge is power. Once you get the correct advice from your solicitor you will have that power. Do you have anyone that can support you in this? We’re all rooting for you 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Thank you yes I do have nice friends and family. I’m trying to be strong for me kid, so tried to discuss it tonight well I started with can we discuss the house situation tomorrow. He’s like what is there to discuss and when of made my stance clear he gets verbally abusive and keeps shouting at me to fuck off.
he says I’m taking the house away from him and ripping away all he has. I can’t wait to get out of here

Oh god, get the fuck out for the sake of you and your child.

Your future selves will thank you.

Totally agree! I couldn’t have put it better myself!

OP, grandparents need to be paid back before you split the equity, not from your half (unless he also contributed half the deposit from his own funds?). You wouldn't have been able to purchase the house without the deposit so the repayment shouldn't come out of your half.

Yes that’s true and morally the right thing to do - I just don’t know if I have a legal standing on it since nothing was signed etc.

Thanks - I should t have talked last night but from now on will leave it to solicitors