To stand firm on Roblox

[SpangleTwangle]

A year ago I was a parent who had never had a personal device for my kids, now ages 10 and 12. I had all the usual worries that we know about, addiction, inactivity, online grooming, poor quality and even damaging/age inappropriate content.

When my eldest turned 11 her one best friend moved far away to a different country and I wanted her to be able to maintain the relationship. This could not be done on a "dumb phone" due to the high cost. With huge caveats I allowed her a smart phone and whatsapp.

Now. We have mainly managed OK, it has been uneventful. We have tight parental controls, great screen time limits, phones stay in shared social areas at home and never in bedrooms. Apps are all pre-approved. My eldest now seems to have all of her bloody homework on apps- which I don't like... but they both have other hobbies, read plenty and are healthy and active. I check their phones regularly as well, there has been no drama. Eldest is great at the boundaries and just complies.

My 10 year old got her own phone for her birthday recently too. This has been a lot harder, mainly because of her personality. She is much more pro-social and eager to fit in, she is also more pushy, entitled, always seems to feel she is very hard done by. We have had several meltdowns because she wants the apps (some) of her mates have that I deem unsafe/inappropriate. EG tiktok, snapchat, roblox. Roblox seems to be the main one as "Its just a game!!" "Everyone has it!!" etc.

I am worried it is addictive, monetised and unsafe- not least because two mums in my eldest's class had to spend hours deleting bits of content and locking it down after their boys found some wildly inappropriate stuff on the platform back in her y3. The whole parent body at their school was warned afterwards.

However my youngest is adamant I am a horrible person for not letting her have it. She was crying bitterly about not fitting in last night (she has plenty of mates and is popular but apparently felt she couldn't join conversations this week)

I actually feel awful. I remember what it was like being a kid and I was always the weird kid as my parents had lots of odd things I wasnt allowed to do like go trick-or-treating, have barbies, go to McDonalds etc. I don't doubt they were, as I am, doing their best to keep us safe from things they deemed damaging or unsafe, but for me as a kid they made me feel left out. So... am I being unreasonable? Or should I stick to my guns?

My kids both used Roblox and never had an issue. They used to play with their dad when they were younger. My kids didn't have messages turned on but their dad had lots of issues with kids messaging him for help as he was a higher level, not believing he was an adult (some told him only children were allowed) and generally being a nuisance (one of his friends ended up getting a private server so they could play without the kids unless he was playing with our kids). He also had to tell children multiple times they shouldn't be sharing personal details in the chat so there were many children with no internet safety knowledge on there which makes them much more vulnerable. I don't know if it's changed now they you have to have photo ages check which is supposed to only allow chat with those if a similar age. Mine are older now though

Do you think there is a different Roblox in America??

All our kids been on Roblox for years, no problems at all just gotta set the settings correctly
Would much rather that than tiktok,Facebook etc etc which they don't have

As a children's social worker I would absolutely agree with your stance. The amount of families who became open to us following incidents of online grooming is really frightening. My DS8 often tells me how horrible I am for not letting him play Roblox but it is just too risky for young children.

Yep, we are governed by additional laws to the ones across the various states of the USA. Which is why some states don't have the issues other states do.

You know you could use WhatsApp on a family / shared iPad or tablet? I am doing that and avoiding individual phones as long as possible

The reasons those states are suing are nothing to do with local laws, it is to do with the way the platform works internationally.

As a teacher, Roblox comes up over and over again as causing issues (both IRL and on the grapevine/safeguarding training). It’s a hard no from me.

FWIW WhatsApp also causes endless drama.

I just couldn’t support a site with such scary known issues as child grooming. Do parents who allow their child to use the site just not care about supporting it?

Well I don't see the problem it's just friends and family.

I Don't think you're unreasonable at all.

I do allow Roblox and a lot of my 11yo's friends are on it but some aren't allowed. My daughter isn't allowed access to any chat features or discord or anything like that. All of her friends on roblox are real life friends and she has to ask before adding anyone..and, I play with her. I think that makes the biggest difference. She actually really loves me playing with her and I see what's she's up to. It's quite a nice thing to do together at this age.
She does want to play it more than I want her to, but always asks before going on it. She sulks sometimes if I say no, but it's not been a big deal. We talk A LOT about safe use.
She goes on it on laptop. She doesn't have a smartphone. That makes it easier for me to see what she's up to too.
But, equally, I respect the parents who just don't allow it.

Dropping by again to say thank you to everyone who has responded, generally speaking it has helped me feel stronger in my decision to keep my kids off Roblox. It isn't worth the risk- I think it is insane what has been allowed to happen in terms of creating an online space ostensibly for kids which is so incredibly unsafe.

It seems to be the large groups on what’s app which causes many of the issues. There are security features on it though, to stop them being added to groups without their permission.

Mine had what’s app from around year 6/7, but mainly to have chats with close family. They didn’t really use it for friends and don’t now either. One of mine did end up getting added to a large group (security settings are better now than a few years ago), but my child told me immediately and asked me to check. I wasn’t happy with what was on there (it was a very large group of children from different schools) so removed it. I also blocked a handful of people for them and checked their phones very regularly. The worst posts on there were from children who’d been let loose with phones in year 7 and who clearly weren’t being monitored by their parents, and who hadn’t been taught the importance of being safe online.

Mine would always ask me about things online and ask for guidance, and I also checked their phones every day or two (they knew this). I explained that it wasn’t because I didn’t trust them, but because I knew what inappropriate content was on there and the type of thing others post. They’ve always been really sensible and we haven’t had any issues thankfully. There are still things they don’t have (eg Roblox, Tik Tok, and they didn’t get Snapchat until year 10/11 ish). They actually didn’t want Snapchat until then as they saw the problems it caused, and asked if they could tell their friends that it was me who wouldn’t let them.

We play roblox together as a family so I have my own account and can monitor it all closely.
There are lots of educational games that have been really helpful with maths reading and gardening.
We have limits. All the parental.controls and I will block any content necessary.

We have done a blanket ban on any social media barring a very locked down whatsapp for my eldest. But I am considering maybe just a brick for secondary school. It's a real shame the companies aren't willing to make it easier for parents. I have to do a lot of my own research and figuring out settings on smartphones that I do just think a brick is more straightforward. They will even automatically pre download tik tok on to phones with boils my blood. So every update its automatically on the phone! Neither me or my husband want bloody tik tok.

I'm also very aware I can't stop my children being shown things from other children's devices or smart phones. So thats where we have lots of conversations about pornography gambling drugs all sorts.

Whatever you decide for you family op it's certainly a difficult time either way that requires parents to be really involved.

Is it friends, or is it all classmates?

YANBU to hold firm, but the fitting-in problem is real and worth solving on its own rather than bundling it into the Roblox decision.

If you ever do loosen on Roblox, the settings matter more than the yes or no. Chat set to friends only or off completely, account restrictions on so only age appropriate games show, a PIN on any spending, and no payment card linked at all. Playing a few games alongside her for the first couple of weeks tells you far more than any review site will.

On the fitting in, could she host something instead, so the friendship currency is not only what happens inside apps. At ten, being the one with the good film night or the best den building plans often does more for her standing than having the same game as everyone else.

Quick update to my settings note above, because Roblox has moved everything into its newer parental controls and renamed it all. The current names are Content restrictions, where a content maturity slider decides which games she can join and you can block individual games outright, Communication, where experience chat and direct chat are each a simple on or off and party chat with friends can be limited to trusted friends or no one, and Spending restrictions, where you set a monthly spending limit which can be zero, plus notifications on every transaction. The old account restrictions toggle and spending PIN are gone. Linking your own Roblox account to hers from the app lets you manage all of it from your phone.