How do you get your child to stop snitching?

[Bearbookagainandagain]

I'd rather him not learning it the hard way by losing all his friends...
He's 4.5, in reception. He's a bit of a stickler for the rules at times, and the oldest sibling in our family. So part of it seems to be that he genuinely believes rules should be obeyed (when he agrees with them), and part of it is clearly a power trip.

At home he's started constantly telling us about his sister doing this and that, it got really worse since September. We essentially tell him to mind his own business, and that we are the ones responsible for parenting and not him.
But I'm more worried about the fact that we've seen him doing similar things with his school friends, and some are getting annoyed.

We're trying to find a way to tell him that he shouldn't be afraid to tell someone about something that could be dangerous for instance, but that he shouldn't be constantly watching over his friends' shoulders. Particularly when it's because he find it funny when they get in trouble...
We can't really find the words... Any clever ideas?

The nuance between something that needs feeding back and something that doesn't would be lost on one so little. Far too complex an issue for him.

Better to let him continue than have him confused when something really serious happens that he should be reporting. You would not want him to hold back then.

If he is telling you about minor things then just don't comment, either to say thanks or to tell him that you are doing the parenting. Just shrug it off - "Oh, really?" Trying to explain to him when he should speak up and when not is not possible - some of the things you would want him to speak up about are not things you would wish to broach with one so young.

I am sure his sister will work out a way of getting her own back!

It's about achieving a balance. Yes, he needs to report things which are dangerous or harmful, but not report every tiny thing to the teacher as they will eventually start to ignore him, when its all the time it just becomes 'noise'.

The fact he enjoys it is an issue, like he finds it funny to get others into trouble.

DD2 used to be like this, we had the talk about thinking if something is important enough to tell the teacher, as they are very busy. And if not sure whether important, to talk to us about it and we will help her decide.

There is a girl like this in DD1's year (year 6) she reports every tiny joke or minor disagreement. If someone doesn't want to play what she wants, she starts crying to teacher to get them in trouble. It's made her extremely unpopular. Sometimes they play with her as they get in trouble if they don't.

That makes sense, but there might be things that he cannot untangle by that logic. For example, if someone offers him sweets in return for a cuddle he might see that as a good deal rather than seeing it as a scenario where someone might get hurt that needs reporting to an adult.

This seems sensible.

And that is other conversations. About your body belonging to you. About you making decisions. About consent for anything being two-way at least (some things have to involve me so three-way. And, contrary to the other thread running, about how no one gets convinced into hugs. You say no, no is the answer.

For all those saying ‘he’s standing up for what is right’ and so on, some children are REALLY bad for this and telling the teacher every little thing. if he sees Tom punch Ben, of course he should tell. However if he sees Tom put a dinosaur away in the car box, that doesn’t need telling on. I taught a girl in y5 who didn’t know when to tell and when not to, she’d report children for writing in blue pen when it should be black and that sort of thing, or for picking up their pen when they’d been asked to put them down. Things which have no impact on her, she is literally just telling so she can see the other person told off. She was wildly unpopular, so I think OP is right to start addressing it young tbh. (Not only that, as a teacher it is bloody exhausting to deal with a constant stream of minor misdemeanours which don’t really need dealing with. If I’m ignoring Emily picking up her pen there’s probably a reason for that, and it’s slowing the lesson right down to have Tilly point it out to me in front of everyone AGAIN.)

I have seen some sort of acrostic poem in some classrooms asking children to THINK before they tell. Something like, is it:
True
Helpful
Important
Necessary
Kind

Would something like that help do you think? Important is the key one I think…

If it helps, my (likely autistic) daughter used to be a bit of a tattle tale in preschool. She’s now 7 and doesn’t do it any more.

Some kids naturally “get it” some need taught.

In my experience kids become telltales because they get praised for it.

My relative’s son was dreadful for it, but soon stopped at my house when every report was met with “why are you telling me? To help the other child or to get them into trouble?”

That’s not a difficult distinction to make.

But I still don't understand - when an adult reports a misdemeanor, rule breach or crime - the aim is to get the offender into trouble.

Just keep telling him to try to work out the difference between a real rule break and something a bit annoying.

Most likely he'll grow out of this very common phase.

No, if I report a crime the purpose isn’t to get the offender into trouble, that’s just the consequence of their own actions.

If I report a crime it is to protect someone or something. Sometimes the thing I am protecting is society as a whole.

We have similar issues with our daughter but slightly older and autistics (not saying your son is just that it is relevant when dealing with our daughter). We are working on helping to focus on herself, if it doesn't directly impact her and not obviously dangerous that they don't know leave them to - kids doing gymnastics in the playground is the main issue with that one, the kids know it is against the rules and why plus there is staff about so she needs to leave them be.
We have issues with her directly telling her brother off, again like what you said we try and intervene as soon as we can with a this is our job deal with it and reassurance to daughter and repeating what she should have done - tell us.

Yes, there’s a girl like this in one of my kids’ classes. Her mum is also in on it and asks for a report of the day from her as soon as she comes out at pick up. The mum is then constantly reporting to the teacher about the minor things other kids have said or done. There’s no hope for the kid as she’s being encouraged to see all her classmates as mad delinquents.

Hang on, the sister threw banana peel on the floor. If she tries getting her own back for him letting you know that, then it is her behaviour that's questionable.

Also, snitch is silly American speak and it's for high school level not little kids

Our DD only started when they went to school. I always assumed there where household where this sort of behaviour is rewarded, maybe classrooms too. All I could do then was make sure it wasn't rewarded at home.
However given the number of "AIBU to report XYZ inconsequential nonsense" threads there are, some people clearly don't ever learn it

As a mum of 5 of childminder I only accept stories from kids if their name features in it.
If they start a tale I stop them and ask, is your name in this story?
eg. Amy pulled my hair - fine, keep telling me.
Amy pulled Jane's hair and the tale teller is neither Jane nor Amy - don't need to know.

The only exception is if it is an emergency - if someone is hurt or in danger and you need to get adult help then that's fine.

That is it in a nutshell.

This. I'm surprised at the previous replies.

I teach my primary school class the difference between telling to get someone in trouble or telling to get someone out of trouble.

If someone is doing something dangerous or needs adult help to solve things, that's telling to get them out of trouble. A good friend does this.

If you just want to get them in trouble, you're telling for the wrong reason and not being a good friend.

Other parents will find it grating at play dates. My son has a few friends like this and it is annoying. If kids are doing dangerous things I understand but just trying to get other kids in trouble for nothing it’s annoying!

But that's what the child is doing - wanting the rules/social norms observed.

And of course you want the offender in trouble. That's HOW society gets protected.

🙄

Even far into adulthood, I hate the attitude that reporting misbehavior is “snitching.” I have never understood this concept.

I would explain that there are ridiculous social guidelines in the world. Sometimes we just have to follow them to get along with other people. Things like some words being declared swearing and therefore bad is one of those arbitrary guidelines. No word is truly ever bad, but if you say certain words at school it is going to create a whole lot of hassle. Reporting small infractions is the same. Yes, people broke the rules and it is fair to report, but it is one of the ridiculous social guidelines that you don’t.

At home, thankfully we can relax these rules. We really only have to follow them in the world with the normies.

If he does it at nursery constantly the teacher will joy put up with it. So don't worry about that.

To be honest I think you need to be careful not to discourage this altogether. Obviously, gloating when others get in trouble is bad. However, there's a fine line between 'snitching' and reporting. In the family context, could he feel that his younger siblings are getting away with things he wouldn't/didn't? If so, that needs to be addressed. Just saying 'leave parenting to us and mind your own business' isn't really a great answer.

This book is quite good at explaining what needs to be ‘reported’ and that they don’t need to constantly tell tales

Google tattle box in the classroom. You might be able to adapt the technique