How do you get your child to stop snitching?

[Bearbookagainandagain]

I'd rather him not learning it the hard way by losing all his friends...
He's 4.5, in reception. He's a bit of a stickler for the rules at times, and the oldest sibling in our family. So part of it seems to be that he genuinely believes rules should be obeyed (when he agrees with them), and part of it is clearly a power trip.

At home he's started constantly telling us about his sister doing this and that, it got really worse since September. We essentially tell him to mind his own business, and that we are the ones responsible for parenting and not him.
But I'm more worried about the fact that we've seen him doing similar things with his school friends, and some are getting annoyed.

We're trying to find a way to tell him that he shouldn't be afraid to tell someone about something that could be dangerous for instance, but that he shouldn't be constantly watching over his friends' shoulders. Particularly when it's because he find it funny when they get in trouble...
We can't really find the words... Any clever ideas?

Snitches get stitches.

Possibly not age appropriate but explain it could get him into trouble, while also teaching him when it is right to speak up. Good luck!

Does he realise that nobody, even the teachers, likes a grass? Have you explained that to him?

On balance, it is better for him to grow up being a snitch than to grow up to be someone who ignores or covers up wrongdoings or crimes carried out by others.

If his friend committed a crime (when they are adults) would you be against him 'snitching' to the police?
In the adult world, being a 'whistleblower' is considered to be an admirable thing.

Leave him to work out how to manage his friendships.

I’d be concerned he is enjoying getting his friends in trouble. Does he not care he won’t be left with any friends.?

Why exactly are we trying to quash this quality in a young child?

So you want the little shits to get away with bad behaviour then?

What kind of crimes do you think are going down in the infant school and OP's house?

I think it’s not so much the rule following but the fact he enjoys getting his fiends in trouble. That would bother me as a parent.

Maybe he needs new friends - ones that are also rule followers?

Just imagining saying "snitches get stitches " in a sinister way to a 4 year old!

If it helps my son says his form group (now yr 9) love snitching on each other, they all seem to find it hilarious. But he hasn't encountered any bullying and despite the snitching they seem happy to be at school, so maybe it isn't a bad thing.

Yes, this is the issue. My DS2 was a rule follower and complained when others were not, but he didn’t enjoy doing it.

Tell him clearly that if anyone is hurting someone etc he needs to tell. But he should not be watching whether Jimmy puts his book exactly where it’s supposed to go and running to the teacher to report on Jimmy.

Yes I don’t understand this thread at all!

I thought we were teaching our kids to do what’s right and stand up for what we believe in? The world never changes eh!

Honestly the responses so far reassure me, because it's exactly the dilemma that we're facing...

We don't want him to think it's inherently "bad" to report others breaking the rules, because we don't believe it is. The issue is explaining the balance between what is ok and what isn't to a 4yo.

And that there is a way to do it, which isn't shouting at the teacher from the other side of the playground...

When it's obvious that he's trying to get his friends or sister in trouble, we definitely tell him off for that, and also tell him that children won't want to play with him anymore if he continues.

I encourage my 5 year old DS to bring me home the gossip and during that we talk about what we should talk to the teachers about and what we should keep to discuss between us etc

Learning by doing?

He will adapt if his friends 'say no thank you won't play with you'.

To take 2 recent examples:

• I do believe that when he came to us to tell us his friends was playing with a giant rattle during a play date, he genuinely believed it was not allowed and dangerous (as it happened, it was allowed by the parents, and his friend wasn't happy)
• I don't think he has the same genuine feeling about telling us his sister has put her banana peel on the floor during dinner...

Is he rigid about anything else?

That's something we could do actually, thanks!

It’s not really to do with the following of rules, but more with the intention behind his “snitching”

We had this challenge and it’s not completely solved but what’s helped a lot is prompting them to think about WHY they want to tell an adult - i.e. is it because someone could get hurt/something could get broken? Or they’re just cross that someone isn’t following the rules?

Tbh, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Its perfectly normal at his age to have absorbed the concepts of right and wrong and to want to tell adults when things are wrong, because.. Well, they're wrong and he wants you to put then right or dole out justice.
I think at home its enough to not reward or encourage it. Don't shame him or make character judgements because of it. As you say, you want him to tell you about dangerous or genuinely bad things, and he's very young to make that call. I'd rather hear everything than nothing at this point, personally.
At school this behaviour will naturally fade as he will experience the natural consequences.
Most children go through this. Similar age DGD is a right busy body. We just say "ok" and change the subject. Her dad grew out if it, so will she. And your DS.

I think lots of kids are pretty sanctimonious, I don't necessarily think it's an issue. A 4yo probably isn't going to hold a grudge because your son snitched on them so I wouldn't worry too much.

The teacher will likely be doing what you are doing which is to largely not engage in the snitching (unless it's important) so I suspect he'll just grow out of it when he doesn't get the attention he is looking for.

I'd tell him that it's ok to tell the teacher if something is directly affecting him, like being pushed over but that if he simply sees someone breaking a rule that it's not his job to report that, the teacher will notice or another child affected by it will.

Some ND children are very strict about following rules so not sure if that could be a factor.

You could try responding as if he was telling you for non-snitching purposes. ‘Oh is he, that sounds fun’

I just say, "are you telling me this to get X in trouble or because it's dangerous/scary/insert word that matters". And have them think about it.

This. You only tell the teacher if someone is bullying or hurting someone or damaging property. Otherwise, learn to tolerate people being a bit different from you and remember we all make mistakes and break rules sometimes, even if we don;t mean to, so we need to be forgiving.