Aibu to feel frustrated at having to do all the planning, driving, looking after, paying for non reciprocal parents of SEN DC's friends?

[Rockpunkdisco]

DC is in a specialist secondary school, fantastic place, like the primary was. For anyone who knows, most DC are dropped off and taken home by taxis, so as a parent who drives DC you don't get the usual interaction with their friends' parents/guardians.

Previously DC was at a mainstream school and we and the school knew a specialist one was needed. At this time I worked FT, career, breakfast and after school clubs for 3 days a week while we juggled, DH wfh so kept this to a minimum. When it became even more clear than we had already expected DC couldn't cope after a few months, I gave up my job and my focus was on them, got night shift work so I could be there. Yes, of course, I should have realised it would too difficult for them but wanted to give it a chance. Unfortunately DH didn't see it all from my eyes and experience and put it down to typical behaviour.

Anyway, back to the point...

Being in a specialist school, quite a few of the parents have their own issues, with several DC so life is difficult for them.

DC has made close friends and of course wants to meet up with them outside of school. As it's not a case of chatting to parent and making play dates, we have to try and find a way.

I'm pro active, have asked the school if they could pass on my number to get in touch if the parents would be happy to get in touch to arrange kids meeting.

Fortunately they have responded and DC has been delighted to see them. The thing is, the only way to get them together means I pick them up, take them out and pay, then drop off or have a sleepover. This is 2 friends, so 3 of them.

I really am so delighted to see them happy together, means the world to me. However, as in the title, the only way to do this is to suggest a date, activity, say what time I will pick up. It seems their kids don't go out much/at all, just gaming, so always an immediate response of yes, great!

While I accept this is my responsibility for DC to meet their friends, it's also frustrating! It would be so nice for the parents to offer to take them somewhere, DC to step over the doorstep, spend time at their friends' houses, have a sleepover.

Guess I've just got to understand and accept this is the way it is and I do see how DC experiences it and is grateful for my effort to enable to see friends. I find it sad, DC would love to actually get into friends' homes and be part of their lives, as I did when younger to have reciprocal loving from BFF's family.

I think you are probably projecting the wish to go to their house because you remember being in and out of friends houses. I’m sure your son is just happy to see them outside school in whatever circumstances. I think people get too worked up about turns and reciprocity of play dates. People have different circumstances and different stresses so you do what you can to make your own child happy and if that means it’s always you doing the play dates and the alternative is zero play dates then you just get on with it, in my view.

People are shit. Take from it what you want to provide for your kid, and expect fuck all in return except the friendships, and be happy. People won't give you what you/the DC deserve, in reciprocation, so see it as a temporary cost of improving your dc's life.

And trust me it is temporary! They grow so fast. A few years of extra effort will hopefully pay off for your Dc. Never let them hear you being frustrated about the other kids parents

My mum was like this because our house was messy and chaotic. We never had friends round because she felt embarrassed, she also had no money to take us out and no car. It used to really upset her. She used to save all
year to take us on a caravan holiday. This might be a similar situation.

My DD is neurodiverse but in mainstream. She has friends and she will go to there’s and sleepover as well. No one comes to our house. It’s not for lack of me being willing, I think it’s due to the fact that her room is her safe space and she cannot handle other people in it.

Life is hard enough without being judged by other mums with more free hours, more resources and perhaps more money than oneself.

I have said on other posts when this comes up, we never did playdates, so this is not a special school issue.
People have given you lots of additional reasons why people with ND children may not be willing to reciprocate, but for reasons in general I would say we just it's hard to fit things in. After school my kids often just want to relax and 3 nights a week have a club to go to. Weekends are sometimes taken up with seeing grandparents in the morning or an activity we sometimes go to. We might then have a day out as a family.
It sounds like you want someone to be particularly engaging as well, which doesn't always come naturally to people with children they don't know.
Also I have 2 children so if you do a playdate for one, then the other is left out or then wants their own playdate which then perhaps takes up another weekend as you can't always work to the same schedule.
Also we can't really do sleepovers. Both kids bedrooms aren't that big, DD has the box room. If either child had a friend stay they would have to sleep on the living room floor.

Can you say on x we are doing y please send £10 or whatever with X to pay for their spot?

Why can't you just invite them home so you don't have to spend money every time?

Have you posted about this before? I have read a very similar post, so might be worth doing a search for advice if that wasn’t you.

I would do what I was prepared to do-maybe pick them up and bring them back to mine and return. I wouldn’t spend entrance fees on other people unless it was a birthday party.

Oh this could absolutely be a situation i could find myself in. It wouldn't be personal at all op.

We do reciprocate play dates at our home and sleepovers but we have to space them out. I've got three children with different needs. It doesn't matter who is having a playdate it can throw them all out of normal routine.
It's also exhausting for us we are likely also audhd so have to balance out own levels of exhaustion.
Our home is our sanctuary and safe space It's not simple to let other parents and children into it. My children may change their mind at any point. They may meltdown they may be violent. Potentially the same for the child visiting. It all needs a high level of supervision and management.

We can't afford every weekend money for outside activities. We have to budget it in.
My children can struggle with the energy needed to go to school and just to function. If a playdate means that energy is gone then our week is screwed potentially longer.We have to schedule things in school holidays. So what might be a easy playdate to someone actually can have long lasting ramifications for us.

My children often don't sleep so I am very much on survival mode. Because of the whole taxi drop off I'm not socialising with the parents every morning or afternoon. I'm yet to find work flexible enough around my children other than self employed where again I'm on my own. Plus not being able to afford to learn to drive limits me further. My social skills are pretty rusty and also honestly just not my focus right now.

My children can be vunerable in different situations so sometimes we do decline invitations but I can imagine others if they feel their child is more robust or maybe the have zero support and that breathing space means they have some bandwidth to work with When they come home. I can see why they would accept every offer of you op taking their child.

We have no support at all there is never a day off. Even as adults we don't have any friends because we haven't got the energy required to maintain friendships it all goes in to the children. Just basically keeping them Alive.

So who knows op maybe these parents are a bit rubbish and they can't be arsed to reciprocate. Or maybe they are fighting to make it through the day who knows. Either way focus on your child and try to accept as rubbish as it feels the offers won't come so adjust accordingly. So you're not feeling resentful.

I guess keep trying then! :) And arrange to meet in places outside of the house. Then you'll also get to know the parents better

Actually I think DH has a point there. You barely know these parents so you don't know what kind of care they would take of your child.
I'd be inclined to carry on being social secretary for these families, but look for activities that don't cost much and make expensive ones occasional treats, or let them play at your home. The friendships will be so important for your child's development.

My sister is in a very similar boat. Her DC attends a SEN school in a different town with kids travelling far and wide.

Her DD made a friend with young parents/ minimum wage/zero hour gig type jobs. My sister was picking her up and having her Friday to Sunday every weekend and getting annoyed how the girl was never sent with any money to do anything. I pointed out to my sister the family wasn’t probably sending money for Starbucks as they probably never get it themselves/not exactly a necessity/parents working at weekends so the kid would be left at home if my sister wasn’t running her around. As I thought, the kid/parents ended up only really using my sister as free childcare, the girl didn’t really like my niece and tbh I just felt sorry for the kid.

She also took out another child which included going to a restaurant and they ordered steak!! The next time she had them over for a sleep over she asked the parents what they liked eating/dietary requirements and they told her fish and steak!! My sister got in fish for her and the kid deadpan asked where her steak was.

I said to my sister that maybe from the outside, especially to low income families her quite nice (but not mansion!) house in a nice area probably makes them think they’re rich.

The parent doesn't don't come, it's just me on my own, that's the point.

Yes that's what I tend to do more now, park and back to ours. It would just be no nice for DC to visit them in their homes as well.

Yes I totally get this and don't take them out for meals, though have taken them to trampoline places, cinema and arcades and got a takeaway. Now more parks, , forests, prepare food at home.

We're not wealthy but have both worked hard, got onto the housing ladder and have a decent sized house, budget eith the COL like everyone else.

I understand their parents are different, don't work or drive, I don't care about backgrounds, not a judgemental person at all. I have friends who struggle but still host play dates and are pro active seeking out local subsidised places to take DC.

One of the parents lets DC roam about their estate and the other never leaves the house but neither let's DC step over the threshold or spend time time there or offers to take to local park/town, play in garden. Just little things like this that you would hope to be reciprocated rather than pushed out door and know they will be brought home.

They're nice people, just clearly in their own little bubbles of home and kids.

I ignore other peoples habits of reciprocating or not when it comes to my kids.

I facilitate as much of what they want as I want / fits out family.

If other people invite them to things then we say yay or nay depending on if it suits.

I’ve found it the best way to be. Some people can’t reciprocate. Some people don’t want to. Some people I pray they don’t offer as I don’t want them to have my kid!

With our older three it meant I was the main taxi (DH works away a lot) and our house was the main hangout venue. Now they’re all mid/late twenties I wouldn’t change a thing from the way they talk about it. Being the main taxi meant I heard a lot of chatter and knew a lot about the dynamics of the friendship groups without having to ask questions. I knew when there were issues, I spotted quickly when a close friend disappeared from the group and clocked any changed dynamics very quickly.

it was annoying at the time (and it is currently with younger ones) but I’m grateful now I just went with it as it 100% helped with my relationships with them.

Honestly, not wealthy, work a lot of hours, so these occasions are during the holidays. I don't judge anyone, I don't give a rat's arse about backgrounds and feel more at home in old pub than a cocktail bar.

All I'm saying is that it would be nice for DC to visit his best friends at their homes as well, do some gaming, chill, be part of family life like when I was younger.

Completely understand the safe space but could you not go to cinema, bowling or whatever and camp them in the living room? ND or NT, this is teaching them about being reciprocal in friendships and how people perceive them later in life and how they will be treated.

She doesn’t like them in the house full stop. It’s very rare that anyone is allowed in. She also won’t go to the cinema as she cannot sit through a film. Honestly I offer stuff all the time. Her group of friends are very much hang around in the shopping centre!

Haven’t rtft but is he an only child? We were the party house until we had our last child who is disabled and can’t tolerate people in the house. It’s actually really upsetting for us not to be able to reciprocate play dates, sleepovers etc.

They may not even be considering the money you’re spending. I worked in SEN education and would organise family days out where I would organise transport, pay for activities and lunches etc using the college’s budget.

One of the family’s went to re visit somewhere we’d been, in their own time, and were shocked that they had to pay for their food and drinks (in the cafe bar bit of a bowling alley) as they’d just assumed it was all included. They had just never noticed that I had been paying for this (via the college’s card) or realised it was obviously the case that ‘someone’ must be paying. They were quite an extreme case but it does go to show that some people just don’t consider the work and money that goes into activities as they’ve never organised one or paid for one themselves.

Some people are happy taking and not giving.

It’s lovely you are facilitating this for your dc. This a totally normal thing in mainstream school too. But you can’t get worked up about it because not everyone can do what you can do. Some parents work FT. They have other children who need running to activities. My eldest trains at the national level in a sport several days a week. It means I’m driving her everywhere. I can’t do play dates for other dc unless they want to come along and just drive around in the car with me.

Our house is also a building site. Has been for nearly a year. Very drawn out emergency building works due to storm damage. We have 2 bedrooms between 4 of us, no one has their own room, and NO LOUNGE! I can’t do sleepovers and I’m forever having to apologise, but I have nowhere safe they can sleep. We tried camping in the garden once in the summer and they got cold and didn’t want to and I had to drive everyone home at 10pm. I can’t do play dates at all unless the weather is good and I can chuck them outside. Because again, no where for them to hang out in the house where they won’t be under my feet or fighting with other dc.

I also have advanced cancer. I’m exhausted. I don’t have energy (or money) to take dc out for a big day out with friends. If I have energy to do those things, I want to do them solo with my dc, not their friends. I don’t know how many more years I may have with them and actually spending time together as a family is a priority with the free time we do have when I feel well. Yes, perhaps I’m in my own little bubble with my dc, but they probably won’t have me forever.

I think you have to see this as it not being about you or people being mean. They just really may not have the capacity and that isn’t because they’re being awful. They just may not have it as easy as you do right now.

I've got a disabled child, knowing what he is like I wouldn't invite another disabled child out, I'd worry I couldn't meet there needs. However, I wouldn't let another parent take mine either so I'm not sure if that is the reason with your DCs friends.