Aibu to feel frustrated at having to do all the planning, driving, looking after, paying for non reciprocal parents of SEN DC's friends?

[Rockpunkdisco]

DC is in a specialist secondary school, fantastic place, like the primary was. For anyone who knows, most DC are dropped off and taken home by taxis, so as a parent who drives DC you don't get the usual interaction with their friends' parents/guardians.

Previously DC was at a mainstream school and we and the school knew a specialist one was needed. At this time I worked FT, career, breakfast and after school clubs for 3 days a week while we juggled, DH wfh so kept this to a minimum. When it became even more clear than we had already expected DC couldn't cope after a few months, I gave up my job and my focus was on them, got night shift work so I could be there. Yes, of course, I should have realised it would too difficult for them but wanted to give it a chance. Unfortunately DH didn't see it all from my eyes and experience and put it down to typical behaviour.

Anyway, back to the point...

Being in a specialist school, quite a few of the parents have their own issues, with several DC so life is difficult for them.

DC has made close friends and of course wants to meet up with them outside of school. As it's not a case of chatting to parent and making play dates, we have to try and find a way.

I'm pro active, have asked the school if they could pass on my number to get in touch if the parents would be happy to get in touch to arrange kids meeting.

Fortunately they have responded and DC has been delighted to see them. The thing is, the only way to get them together means I pick them up, take them out and pay, then drop off or have a sleepover. This is 2 friends, so 3 of them.

I really am so delighted to see them happy together, means the world to me. However, as in the title, the only way to do this is to suggest a date, activity, say what time I will pick up. It seems their kids don't go out much/at all, just gaming, so always an immediate response of yes, great!

While I accept this is my responsibility for DC to meet their friends, it's also frustrating! It would be so nice for the parents to offer to take them somewhere, DC to step over the doorstep, spend time at their friends' houses, have a sleepover.

Guess I've just got to understand and accept this is the way it is and I do see how DC experiences it and is grateful for my effort to enable to see friends. I find it sad, DC would love to actually get into friends' homes and be part of their lives, as I did when younger to have reciprocal loving from BFF's family.

Don't worry this isn't exclusive to specialist school parents. Nobody seems to reciprocate any more. I'm always hosting my DC's friends and they never get invited back! I yearn for the 90s.

YANBU. No matter the background issues, parents who don't reciprocate playdates are really irritating. As you say, you don't want the DC to miss out but it's CF territory to let someone else have the bother of hosting every time.

Have you thought of an extra curricular activity if he can manage it as well as school.?..might that yield some friends a bit nearer home?

Tbh at that age there is always the danger that at someone else's house he might actually be spending long hours gaming staying up late etc on unsupervised phone - and the other parents don't have strength to supervise to a level you might expect and they know this, OR don't have the space OR transport.

Local friends outside school are really important just one or two.

If you’ve picked these kids up from their address can’t you swap contact details on the doorstep? Have you tried being assertive in suggesting that they do pick up if you do drop off?

Or are you saying they have their own issues/don’t drive and can’t? If they don’t drive/have the means to help with driving/organising activities I wouldn’t be too peeved.

Can you try to just organise free/cheap activities as I’m sure cost is mounting up if you’re paying for three teens every weekend.

Ask the mum to meet somewhere instead of collecting?
Or say could you do me a favour and would DS be able to come round for a couple of hours while I go do xyz?

I think you have to reframe this mentally as the price of entertainment for your dc - they want this, have asked for it . The other parents kids might be just as happy at home and the parents don't actively want play dates but go along with it because you asked.

Just know that you're doing the best thing for your son, and be smug about the other kids who benefit from the great care you take.

I chose to have 1 kid so he needs more social life out of the home than other kids who get social Interaction with siblings. I have the time to do more than other parents so I do. Doesn't matter if others benefit from it.

My dc went/go to specialist schools.

My older 2 dc never went to or had a sleepover. No other parent was brave enough and I most certainly couldn't cope with another child especially another child with needs.

I would do 2 things. Ask the other parents to meet up, not at your house and I would look for a weekend or after school activity.

Remember, dc in special schools have a very different school and social experiences.
When my boys had birthday parties, the other parents couldn't believe it as their dc had never been invited to parties, they were 10/11 yrs old.

Yes, I take DC to to group activities outside of school. Sadly no, no kids locally to befriend. There are in our street but no one seems to want to interact, even next door neighbours with DC same age. When we moved in 5 years ago we invited next door but they seem a bit shy and not willing to socialise.

I only do what I'm happy to do. I don't keep tabs, I'm doing it for my dc, not the other dc who sleep over etc.

I don't have rude or cheeky kids in the house, not kids who ask for food all day. Apart from that everyone is welcome!

I actually prefer hosting as I know everyone is safe and where they are, there are only a few families I fully trust with my dc anyhow, so it's easier to be the host.

I spent years seething that my efforts were not reciprocated. I wish I had just decided not to care. In retrospect, what mattered most was that my SEN son got something close to a normal social life. He was not popular at school, so the only way to achieve this was to do all the running. By late secondary school he had real friends who genuinely liked him, but fir years I did what you do. No point feeling bitter about it. Yes it is unfair, but you do it because you want what is best for him.

If paying for everyone is an issue, you could ask for some money to cover entry fees. Or just do free things. Make your own popcorn and have a film night or games night at home now the nights are closing in. On sunny days - take a frisbee to the park.

I did attempt with asking can you pick up from our party because was taking family members back who lived a bit away. The response was impossible to get own child home and on the day oh DC is feeling anxious and can't come. As soon as I said I would be able to take home by 8pm all fine! He had a fantastic time and said he didn't feel anxious and was in bed when his Mum messaged.

I think you're unreasonable to expect "reciprocal loving from bff" weird

When you have a special kid normal protocols don’t apply. You don’t know individual needs or siblings. I have two daughters, I know my son, I don’t know his friends (not that he has any).keeping everyone safe is my priority.

Yes they have their own issues it seems, can't drive. I turn up at their doors, they're in dressing gowns, friendly and nice, call DC down from upstairs and check they're dressed, tell them to find their shoes, so often takes a while. Never invite in or after for a cuppa.

The first time i did this, I'm basically a stranger, driving their DC to places miles away and responsibility for them. Their DC may have told them I was a teacher and also (not same school) a governor at their school. They may not have, they were young, I was just a Mum of their friend.

Anyway, it wouldn't be comfortable to just say oh can DC come round to yours because non verbal boundaries have been placed. Also DH is over protective and would be concerned to let DC stay over with someone he sees as incompetent.

Yes I probably am and am so grateful this what I had from the family of my BFF, as she did mine.

So sad to hear that, such a shame. Xxx

I'm not sure I understand? Of course keeping them safe is our priority, but to not have friends?

It was a big part of my secondary school friendships to spend time at my friend's houses and have sleepovers so I understand that you feel this is important for your son's happiness.
However neither of my sons went for sleepovers, or "organised visits" neither the one with identified ASC and the other with traits. My daughter did all the time. Friends of hers came back to our house but I would never have done the festival visits swimming or going out for pizza - that wasn't how our household worked and I didn't drive much either
I couldn't really micromanage the situation or move mountains to create friendships. I could encourage them to be part of school activities or myself meet other parents PTA etc but in the end I couldnt do easily what appeared to suit the other parents like inviting my daughter to Spain for a week! The point being it wasn't the money which I gladly gave for expenses, but the supervision.

Both dses gave a good social life now of their own making in their twenties, from 14 /17 up, the one in specialist provision (home ed) having a better time of it than the one in mainstream ironically and other boys did come round to ours regularly but in a very casual non sleepover way when they were of an age to organise their own public transport (London so well used to it)

Maybe weekends can be more low key ? Until he gets older.

My son might walk to the lavatory (from his room)
with no clothes (not a major issue avoided if possible but not especially noteworthy) another unrelated child doing the same in my house, not ok. It’s not that I’ve stopped it. he has no friends because he doesn’t want them. Hard for me to get my head around but it is what it is.

As far as I was concerned these welcoming parents WANTED to have my DD over but in some cases I would feel they were overzealous in their desire to entertain the 11/12 year olds with outings and adventures. I didn't think it was necessary.
We did FAMILY outings and adventures still when they weren't capable of being independent

You and your child seem to have a high need for socialisation outside of school and organised sport and clubs. Great that your DCs friends enjoy your invitations.

Many children and families need to rest and recharge. I think it is just a difference in activity need that you are noticing. Some parents have not an ounce of energy for hosting regular playdates.

Try offering the example of meeting in community playgrounds and parks. Other parents might have more capacity to instigate meeing in places that are communal.

As others have pointed out thats not a problem specific to SEN kids.

I learnt quite quickly to match peoples energy. Having said that, I looked at it as if the kids were happy then it didn't matter. I never spent money on other peoples kids though except maybe the odd ice cream.

Struggling to understand why you're paying for them. And why you're always driving (unless none of them drive). Definitely ask for their share of the cost - it's super weird that you pay.

I used to have a similar situation to you, although I didn’t drive and it was a group of 6 and I was a single parent on benefits. Luckily it was it was only half of the parents that weren’t able to reciprocate, as they just didn’t have resources to supervise an extra kid, and Sen kids do need supervision to a higher degree for longer. I was lucky as only had the one, no disabilities myself, and got respite when he went to his dads. I just accepted it as part of the deal, and as time went on and they got older and needed less supervision, there was some reciprocation. I was just happy to spend time with the group, back the.pn you could get cheap family tube tickets and family cinema tickets and deals in the holidays so we usually made it work and the parents that could afford it sent some money with their kids.

it is just really tricky when they are in special school, you just do what you can to facilitate friendships. I’m glad he’s got a couple of friends, it makes all the difference.