To worry that my son never gets invited to anything

[Beepboobeep]

My son is six, in year 2. He’s never been invited on a single play date or to a party that isn’t an all class party.

He’s had his own birthday parties in reception and yr 1 where he named about 10 children he wanted to invite to each, mix of boys and girls. He’s only been invited to their parties if all class parties and none in about a year. We have had five children over for separate play dates. They all seemed to have fun. He’s never been invited back.

He’s started to say he wants to invite some of these children round again, that’s fine with me but in my older daughter’s class it’s always been one playdate at mine, then one at theirs, so I suddenly realised he never gets invited back.

He is generally well behaved and polite - according to school not just me. I’ve never known him to be rough. He does talk a lot, but most adults warm to him as he’s so chatty with them - but he might be a lot for other kids maybe?? Although he seems to play very well with everyone in the playground after school.

He goes into school happy, comes out happy. His teacher says he plays well with other children and gets on with everyone in the class.

I’m aware of other parties and play dates happening. I just can’t think why he’s never invited. Am I over thinking it??

What’s your relationship like with the other parents do you speak at drop off/pick up?

A lot of parents work, perhaps his friends go to childminder and therefore it's not feasible to return the playdate? I think I would let him have some more playdates at yours and see what happens.

I was very rarely at drop off/pick up for reception and year 1, a little more this year. I do try and chat to people when I am there and when we do go to parties (although he’s not been invited to any for a year), but this is also why I reached out for play dates I guess.

I also volunteer every Wednesday morning with the class so I actually know the children very well.

I am even less visible with the parents in my DD’s class and there has never been the same issue.

Yes, I work so can only do play dates at weekends as well. But he’s not invited to any at weekend play dates either.

Who takes and collects him then? You speak a lot about how happy he is going in and coming out happy and how well he plays with everyone after school...

I have never done a weekend play date when they were young, only once they hit 9/10 and could manage entertaining themselves. If people work all week then weekends arw precious without having to look after an extra child.

My daughter is 5 and in year 1. So far every party has been whole class. As we get to school holidays some parents ask on class whatsapp who would be available for a play date on X date. They are the mums who work very part time or SAHP. I am told by teacher my daughter is a lovely girl and has lots of friends but i have not even suggested a play date with anyone. I work so my mum does most drop offs and pick ups and the one day i do pick up we go to football 5pm. Weekends are full of housework piano lessons spending time with partner/friends etc there just not enough time for play dates

I worried about this with my youngest, but I got talking to another mum about it and it turns out that it seemed to be the class. Some parents don’t do parties or play dates ( for lots of reasons- work schedules, messy houses, not liking stress of arranging a party, cultural norms, money is tight)

the thing is that some classes can be full of kids who have parties, while in other classes almost no-one does. There’s an element of chance

Are you pally with the other parents? I think that’s the key. DS has lots of friends at school, goes to birthday parties. We didn’t have a birthday party (summer birthday, I was away working).

Teacher said to encourage play dates over summer, but I found we were seeing more of our non-school friends. I went for coffee with the mums, but my mother does school drop-offs, she knows them better.

I know the kids whose mums get on, see each other outside school. It’s a tough one, as at this age you have to organise their social life. DS hangs out with local kids, goes to his dance club as well.

My daughter is yr 3, we don’t do weekend play dates as she has an activity Saturday 10-1 and vast numbers of her class have activities on Saturdays or Sundays whether it’s football, gymnastics, swimming or dance. Yes she’s been invited to parties but not many as they tend to drop off after year 1 and only a small number.

also as I work full time, Sundays are for us as a family so we can spend time together, I’d imagine this is common up and down the country

It doesn’t sound like you or your son have done anything wrong. I bet it’s just bad luck and circumstance in his particular year group.

Generally, I think fewer people are having parties these days. Unless you live in a really affluent area it might just be that people have cut back.

The play dates are stranger because I would have expected a least a couple to reciprocate. However, I do think with work and other activities, people do struggle to fit in play dates. I only really do play dates with one or two other families every few months for my 6-year-old because we are limited on time and I also want her to have time at home for chilling out and not always on the go.

It sounds great that you volunteer at the school once a week - what a nice thing to do!

What do you actually need these playdates for? Don't your children have any activities/sports outside school or something? I have 3 primary aged children, my youngest is 5 and is invited to an excessive number of parties to the point we decline some as our children have paid activities at the weekends (and weekdays) or we just have stuff to do as we both work full-time all week. The youngest is yet to be invited on a playdate and I'm yet to invite anyone on one either, we don't finish work until after 5.30 weekdays and evenings are running our children to sports and activities. I just don't know how anyone would have the time or energy to be inviting extra children around? I'd be quite happy if they were invited to less parties too, less presents to buy and less time having to either sit there for 2 hours or having to run around after them. The little time we have at weekends is really precious, I imagine lots of families are the same.

My boys have never really had play dates and such outside of school. They do scouts (or cubs for the littler one), swimming, rugby, singing and drama classes outside of school - that’s where they get most of their socialisation. My children are now 12 and 8, neither one was in a particularly “play date” or “party” class. My oldest got invited to a few whole class parties or certain children’s parties he was close to, my little one has only been to about 4 parties in the last 3 years at school simply because the price of parties has gone up. Currently we have our little one’s birthday coming up, he can only invite 10 friends because of the cost.

My older DD was always on play dates like yours but I found it happened less with DS who is 3 years younger. I was never sure if it was a ‘boys tend to have less play dates - it certainly seemed that way… . In my experience it was always the mums of girls who were more proactive in doing stuff outside of school… I do think his class was just one of the less sociable ones. Also his teacher said that he (and she said quite a lot of the boys in her experience)was always more interested in whatever activity they were doing / the game they were playing rather than seeking connections with the others involved.

He left primary with one or two friends but it was secondary school really where he found a big group of friends and now I can’t get them out of the house!

Try not to worry. As you say, he seems happy, goes to school willingly , is well liked and no issues so he’ll be fine. It’s easy to go down the route of questioning it but there could be some external factors that mean your class / the parents just aren’t like that of your daughter’s. It surprised me too how different it was as I had been expecting similar.

My dd is 6. I wouldn’t do play dates at weekends, that’s generally for family time or seeing family friends. Most weekdays after school are activities or after school club as we work, and she sees school friends at these so gets a good social life during the weeks the play dates we do have or she goes to at the moment are with the mums I’m friendly with, either I knew them before school or from the activities. We often arrange play dates and outings in the school holidays. I don’t have time to be arranging things with parents I don’t know, so play dates with others will come when she’s older and can arrange herself more.

Monday my mum, Tuesday and Thursday our nanny, Wednesday I take him and our nanny picks him up and Friday I take him and pick up. My mum and nanny confirm he goes in and comes out the same as I witness.

Appreciate not everybody will do them, but I know other children in the class are having play dates, and five parents in the class did say yes when I invited their children for play dates so I do think many families are doing them.

And there have definitely been parties I’m aware of in the last year, including children he invited to his party, but my son hasn’t had an invite to any.

True, but I’m aware of several parties that he hasn’t been invited to, including children he invited to his party. And have heard of several play dates.

I asked the teacher if he had friends etc and she said he gets on with everyone but then also described the class as cliquey which seems a bit of a contradiction… I wonder if he does just get on with every one but doesn’t have any close friends

It’s more that I’m worried it’s a reflection that he doesn’t have any friends than wanting him to have them, because I know other families are doing them and there are parties.

I get home from work at 6:30/7pm. My son does football, rugby and swimming during the week and gymnastics at the weekend. My daughter does art two evenings and netball during the week. The swimming, gymnastics and horse riding at the weekend so fitting all her invites in does get challenging and we say no to a lot. But it’s nice to know she does have friends. we also go away most school holidays if I’m not working.

Just keep the play dates happening at yours .. my son was always invited to others .. my daughter only had them at ours .. different dynamics I guess but just go with it

If you do pick ups on Fridays, is there a reason why you can't do play dates then?
Playdates are almost always on weekdays, families are usually busy with family activities on weekends.

You said you only get home at 7pm. Playdates at this age after school usually end by 6. So maybe others are aware of this, and in the nicest way, don't want to host your child until after 7 when they have school the next day and will be on 'bath story bed routine by then.

He also sounds like he has a very busy calender of extra curriculars, and away lots.

My oldest can be a moody so and so and falls in and out with her friends, but gets invited quite a lot as she is really funny and creative and has a clear friendship group. My youngest is much calmer, lovely quiet, will play with anyone, gets nuch fewer invites. She is friends with all but not necessary closest with any, so doesn't make the top of list for playdates and small parties. Maybe your son is the same?

i can see why you’re concerned. That is pretty crappy behaviour of the parents imo.

i always made sure that kids who’d asked my son to a party got an invite to his. I did do all class parties though because I hated the idea of missing kids out.

It might be worth discussing this with the teacher in a way that doesn’t put her in a position where she feels she might identify kids. When she says it’s cliquey, you could ask if your son is in a clique. Ask about the strength and closeness of his relationships. You can ask if he feels left out.

If your son is generally a sociable kid and a good mixer, it’s probably just bad luck that he hasn’t gelled. If it’s cliquey, it could be that the parents know each other etc. I wouldn’t make a big deal with your DS.

the best thing you can do is build resilience in his friendship groups. Get him to join clubs and activities that allow him to make friends outside school. I think it’s very healthy to encourage that as a lifelong practice- it protects kids - and the adults they become- from being reliant on one small group for friendship and belonging

But sorry @Beepboobeep you are having this worry. I suppose you can only make sure his time outside school is as much fun as possible.

Play dates in my DD’s class are nearly always a weekend funny enough, but I guess this could be a factor. There wasn’t any issue with availability for the five kids who have come to ours at a weekend though. And parties are always a weekend.

He could go for a play date at someone’s house after school though, he’s just never been invited. So it’s not our availability that’s the issue really.

I know it’s hard but please try not to worry about this OP. I think aged 6 is still quite young for play dates and they tend to need a bit of entertaining still at that age so it’s not that easy for parents. At that age I only really ever had my own friends’ kids because I knew them well and knew the parents if there were any issues.

From my own experience I can also say that my eldest was not invited many places in Primary school. Parties yes, but hardly any one on one play dates. Now he’s nearly 14 in Secondary school and his social life is non stop- 5 different Halloween parties this week alone.

If he is getting upset about it then keep on inviting and try and have a chat and a coffee or glass of wine with the mums when they collect to get on their radar. I know at that age I wouldn’t have invited a child that I didn’t know and whose parent I didn’t know. x