Should she earn more??

[blueeeapples]

Appreciate your thoughts on this situation. Both mid 40s, together nearly 20 years, 2 DCs (late teens). Mid 40s, mortgage paid off (3-bed semi), with joint savings of £18k.

Me: Salary: £65k, savings / investments: £137k & pension: £125k

DW: Salary: £12k, savings: £16k & pension: £10k

DW wasn't working while DCs were in primary school. Now they are in in secondary & college, re -entered workforce 2 years ago, working part time earning approx £200 p/w. I think it's DW should work more than the average 8-10 hours she does each week, especially as our pensions aren't great.

DW thinks we're in a good financial situation, and doesn't want to increase hours, especially as we have a large amount of savings.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think the responses would be very different if op was a woman.

I've already thought about this. I don't think it would, with the proviso, that if the house husband did 95% of the domestic load, the working wife requiring him to go back to work full-time would need to pick up her share of house/family/admin.

It's all about the balance (and I've never been a housewife). If one person works and opts mostly out of domestic load, the other does domestic load and opts out of work. If both work, both have to share (not the typical husband crap sharing = leaving 95% to the wife regardless) domesticity. It isn't gendered. It's fair balance.

Every single statistic says that working wives STILL carry the bulk of domestic load.

It's mad that being a single working mum is less work than being a married working mum. It's almost like it's the man that is the problem.

I do wonder if most of the people posting on here are forgetting that OP has teenagers. It's a totally different ball game to small children. They can reliably take on a share of the household tasks, they take themselves places, you don't need to constantly worry about having an adult to supervise them. Yes, they sometimes want intense heart to hearts but IME they generally want to have them just as you are about to go to bed.

I suddenly had loads of free time (even when working full time) when my children got to the age of OP's. I certainly didn't notice this all consuming need to spend hours and hours on housework and "mental load" that some people suggest on here. Yes, I'm sure you can spend 30 hours a week (as someone suggested) on these things, but it's really not remotely necessary. It certainly is nowhere near the sort of committment as a full time paid job. A few hours a week maybe?

In essemce, OP, your wife is taking you for a mug.
I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed.
She has no excuse whatsoever to barely work whilst you feel like you sre having to hold everything together financially.

I agree.
I don't know what people are doing household and 'mental load' wise that means a parent (of a 17 year old and 15 year old) has to constantly be at home or very part time.

I think a lot of people have continued asking what she does because it matters. Some professional roles are quite physically and emotionally undemanding, others are extremely demanding. Would you support her to retrain if she wanted to?

I keep seeing people refer 50%, but why would it go to 50% if she only picked up more hours (say, 3 days instead of 1.5)?

50% would be both doing FT. It doesn’t sound like that’s what OP wants her to do, he’d be a happy with a few more hours.

They absolutely would be different if the OP was a woman. The DH would be called a cock lodger throughout the thread.
Why is it that some posters make such a massive thing about the 'domestic load'? They don't call it housework but 'mental load' or 'domestic load' as if it's a depression inducing job, where you feel constantly squashed.

It's absolutely fair that the household/child related tasks should be shared fairly in a marriage so that neither party is over whelmed, but long marriages go through different phases and some flexibility is needed. For example, we have had periods when I worked harder and periods where DH worked harder. It's about balance and fairness and playing to your strengths.
The OP has already said that he does around 30% of the domestic tasks and that his wife only works 8-10 hours/week. The balance has therefore been very much in her favour for years. Let's face it, the childcare and household tasks is far, far less with DC of 16-19 compared to a couple of toddlers and teenagers are more than capable of doing their share too. Why do none of the but...'domestic load' posters not point either of these things out?

Agree it’s completely different with teens. They load and unload the dishwasher, they can put their own laundry away and make their own beds. They don’t need help with homework any more (I wouldn’t be capable!) and they can pick up dinner, milk, bread at the shops. Yes they have emotional crises that need a sympathetic ear… that can come from either parent.

Ouch, still trying to figure out the nerve I touched..

Full time professional, earning 30% more than me.

Totally agree. I think it is SAHP trying to justify their approach to life. It always makes me laugh when SAHP claim the home wouldn't run, the children wouldn't survive or the working parent's career wouldn't progress if they didnt stay at home. Seemingly totally ignoring the fact that most families function perfectly well with two full-time working parents, (mine certainly did!).

Which at no time has the OP suggested.

To be fair I don't think any of us expected or planned for such severe inflation and wage stagnation.

Because full time work has never been mentioned.

In reality it's shared savings, for the short term it's not.

DW can't get her head around needing to earn an extra, say £100 p/w, when we have such large savings. My argument is this pot is for our future as we have such poor combined pensions.

as regards Inheritance tax. If the left over pot passes directly to a spouse it is exempt from IHT . Even after next year's changes.
Haven't read the full thread so someone may have already pointed that out.

Would it help to show her pension predictions? There are plenty of calculators available which show you what you would get, based on today's prices. If she sees how little (comparatively) you will be living on it may help to convince her. Or, equally you might (both) agree that the projected pensions are plenty for what you want to do.

Are you wanting to do things like support your DC through university or with house deposits? Where is that money coming from?

@blueeeapples I think you know the reality is that your wife has no intentions to find more work. She is leaving it all to you. Does she have "luxuries"? If so, they come from you. Why would she need to work if she is given everything on a plate?
I don't think she is being respectful. Marriage should be a partnership - not about one party working their bum off so the other can sit on their bum and spend!

@blueeeapplesyour savings aren’t all that impressive. As PP said you should run it through a pension forecaster with different scenarios. That might give her a reality check.

Would a joint meeting with a finacial advisor be a starting step. Establish what money you need as a couple first, then look at how you will achieve that - her increasing hours/ you recognising EVERYTHING she does for house and family and how you will take on 50% of that.

So 40% then.

More work = less domestic time.

Step up or shut up.

All answered. Maybe read the thread?

If the DW increases her hours up to say 3 days a week, why should the OP suddenly do 40% of the domestic chores? The DW would have 2 days free still. Unless the OP is one of those men who has always disappeared all weekend to have his free days, that doesn't seem fair.
If they were both to work full time, the same hours/commute in equally demanding jobs, a 50/50 split would be fair but it's clear that the DW has no intention of doing this and wants the OP to take all the financial responsibility despite having nearly fully grown children.

@UbiquitousPistachio posted about all the other things that she does as a SAHP, and you responded that you need to do more financial research.

You didn't really answer her post. You haven't acknowledged all the benefits you have had from having your wife at home all this time.

Do you or your wife have aged parents? If so, who runs errands for them or takes them to appointments? Is there now, or likely to be in the future, a need for more care for them, e.g. cleaning and cooking for them?

Do you have a dog? If so, who walks it, and arranges the vet when needed?

How often do you have parcels delivered? Or tradespeople call? Even if you are not having work done on the house there is always things like meter readings that someone needs to be home for.

How does your 15 year old get to and from school? How frequently and and what short notice would you be happy for them to be home alone for an evening if you and your wife were both out? Have you been able to go out and about and make plans for yourself over the years without needing to think about childcare or babysitters?

You also mentioned taking on more 'chores' if your wife goes back to work, but I don't think you have any conception of taking on the mental load, i.e. the background management and planning and awareness that goes into running a home.
Do you know when your DC last went to the dentist? Last had a new school bag bought? Do you know what the school rules are about shoes? Do you know the names of their friends? Do you have their friend's parent's phone numbers? Do you know which vet your pet goes to (if there is a pet). Do you know what the plans and deadlines are for the 17 year old in terms of visiting their potential Unis or getting an apprenticeship? Do you know which of your wife's clothes need a 'special' wash and not just chucking in a mixed load in the washing machine? Do you know when your duvet was last washed? Does it fit in the washing machine or does it go to a laundrette? Do you know which relatives get a birthday card each year? Who gets a Christmas present and of what value to make it reciprocal and not embarrass anyone? Do you know where everything is kept in your home - the sellotape, a tape measure, a spare toothbrush, an aspirin, a duster, a clean carrier bag, etc.?

I could ask a hundred more questions, and I don't expect you to answer any of them.
My point is that any discussion about your wife increasing her working hours needs to take place within the context of you being fully aware of her past contribution, and just how much extra you need to take on at home.