Should she earn more??

[blueeeapples]

Appreciate your thoughts on this situation. Both mid 40s, together nearly 20 years, 2 DCs (late teens). Mid 40s, mortgage paid off (3-bed semi), with joint savings of £18k.

Me: Salary: £65k, savings / investments: £137k & pension: £125k

DW: Salary: £12k, savings: £16k & pension: £10k

DW wasn't working while DCs were in primary school. Now they are in in secondary & college, re -entered workforce 2 years ago, working part time earning approx £200 p/w. I think it's DW should work more than the average 8-10 hours she does each week, especially as our pensions aren't great.

DW thinks we're in a good financial situation, and doesn't want to increase hours, especially as we have a large amount of savings.

Am I being unreasonable?

@DrBlackbird The kids are both very much secondary - they don't need looking after!!

Working 8 - 10 hours a week with 2 teenage kids and virtually no pension is pathetic. She should definitely do more.

@Periperi2025 Why on earth can't you work when in peri?!!!
So you can't work when you have a baby, you can't work when you have a toddler, you can't work when you have primary children, then you can't work when you are peri/menopausal?!!
Eh?!

But does your husband work full time? Earning different salaries is fine if you're both hitting your potential. But if one is working full time, the kids are at school and the other is doing bugger all, I would have a major issue with sharing then.

I think YANBU and I have had several friends over the years for whom I have lost all respect as they've slid into working little or not at all once kids are up, leaving their DH to work full time and fund everything. It is so unfair on the DH in my view and also just frustrates me that after everything women have fought for, some are drinking coffee and going to pilates when they could be working and earning their own money. I just can't relate to it at all.

Because if you have the misfortune of being one of the 20% of women who suffer from severe perimenopause symptoms it can literally crash your endocrine system - I am under a Specialist at a regional endocrine centre 100miles from my home because of exactly this. For a period of time I was struggling to to 12 hours a week whilst battling my GP to take me seriously.

Much like pregnancy, it is not an illness but it can cause severe and even life threatening problems if you are unlucky.

Also i didn't say NOT work, she could look at increasing her hours but it is maybe not the best time in her life to go fulltime.

Actually they are true feminists because they are making the choice to do very little and feminism is all about being able to make choices.
Apparently.

@Periperi2025 What about the years of your life before perimenopause then?

I think because you are basically saving all her earnings your DW thinks you are very comfortable & she doesn’t need to earn more. She’s really not thinking about pensions/ retirement. What does she say about pension/ retirement ? Does she expect the state pension to be enough?

Erm, most women do work, they decided as a couple that she should remain at home, his investment, pensions and career progression represented by his salary show that this clearly benefited him. They are married, and the law supports and recognises her contributions should they ever divorce.

Absolutely, perimenopause can be awful and brutal for some women. My periods were always shite and very painful, and I'm very sensitive to hormonal fluctuations now 6 years into perimenopause too.

After my youngest daughter was born, the post natal period nearly gave me a breakdown as the hormonal crash was so terrible, it must have been like being thrown into menopause.

I understand exactly what you mean, and what it's like for some women. So sorry you struggle so much. Some lucky women have barely any symptoms and they don't always appreciate the severity for others.

We have absolutely no idea of this one way or another. But I didn’t say ‘looking after’, I said supported. Homework, GSCEs, A Level choices, discussing university courses and choices, open days, etc etc. At a minimum.

I will also say that a good friend had a teen DD who was academically bright, beautiful, lots of friends until she was persuaded to try drugs at a party one night. Two years later she was dead from an OD. It was all so insidious, took the family by surprise and shocked my friend. Who said she always assumed it was younger children who needed their parents the most and she never in her wildest dreams thought that teenage children needed their mother’s time, attention, and support much more. This is not to say that if my friend hadn’t worked full time that this tragedy could have been avoided. But it’s simply untrue that all teenagers don’t need their parents/mother.

Ah so you were a SAHM too?
I get that choice (although personally not one I would ever make) but she hasn't got that excuse now.

No, i went back to work as a paramedic when my DD was 8 months old.

This is why I always insisted on sharing childcare 50/50.

I’d never want to give up my financial independence and live off someone else’s earnings. And equally I’d never want a coparent to leave more of the parenting to me so they can plough on with their career, earnings and pension.

IMHO fairest way is 50/50. Also sets a good example to kids.

@DrBlackbird My children are 19, 16 and 6. Eldest one at uni and middle one 6th form. I have always worked, even during my years as a single mum.
Nonsense to say you can't support teenagers as well as work. Of course you can!

Absolutely. I have two much older sons and a little girl. I will absolutely be raising her with the same expectations of a good career that I have had for my sons. No more, no less.
She has grown up knowing mum works and so does dad, that they both share the childcare, that they both do the life admin (which is pretty easy tbf, that they both share the housework, that they both earn to provide for her.
There is no difference and why should there be?

YANBU. I’d be fuming if I lived with a man who only worked a few hours a week and expected me to pick up the tab for everything. She’s a fanny lodger.

This. She’s built your career by looking after the children.

And now that is done she can increase her hours or find a job in which she can. No excuses.

Yes she should work more but also her pension should have been prioritised while she was a sahp

Is it? There definitely isn’t an abundance of full time work in my industry at the moment and those who’ve been out of work for a long time definitely aren’t at the top of the list when it comes to the jobs that are available.

@Franjipanl8r Well firstly any SAHP surely knows that before they choose to have years out of work but moreover, where does the OP say his wife has been desperately trying to find more hours but without success? I could have missed it...
ETA: I haven't. OP says his wife doesn't want to work more hours.

Of course YANBU @blueeeapples
If the sexes were reversed here and a woman was posting about her husband barely working after many years off work, the replies would be completely different.
There is no reason why she can't work full time hours unless the DC have significant SEN or she has significant health problems. She should be working hard to build up your pensions for your joint future, not expecting you to continue to take full responsibility for your finances. Was the decision for her to not work for many years, even when the children were in school, a joint one or was it mostly her choice? Why are you splitting household chores 70/30 if she barely works? Do the DC do their share too? She sounds lazy not taking on more work if she has a professional role and the work is available.

Your pension savings are actually better than average. Since you are married it makes little difference if the money is in your pension pot or hers when it comes to death or divorce, but since you are a higher rate tax payer it makes sense for you to be upping your pension payments to 20% of your salary (which immediately gets you a 40% tax break on that money and also means you'll get full CB for the next few years till your youngest leaves school) and reducing your ISA savings.

Most urgently, since your household income is £77K your DC will receive the minimum grant of £5K, this will only cover accomodation costs in the cheapest university towns in the country. So you are going to have to pay out a lot depending where they go (e.g. if our second child gets into the Uni she wants her accomodation costs only will be up to £14kpa).

If you were to draw down 4% of your current joint pension pots each year you'd get £5kpa (25% tax free, the rest taxed at 20%). Including state pension of £12.5kpa each and 4% of your savings (£6k) that would be a grand total of £36,500pa at 67 for both of you.

Alternatively if she goes to 4 days a week and a salary of £32kpa then if you both paid in 20% into your pensions you could pay in £19.4kpa which over the next 20 years before retirement could build to give you a joint pension income of ~£26K (plus state pension equivalent to £25kpa so total of £51K plus 4% of whatever your ISA pots are at the time). If your employer contributes to your pension it will be more, use this Pension calculator to play about with the figures to work out you need to save for a comfortable retirement.