DD has suddenly asked if her bf can come on holiday - WWYD

[LighterDays]

I’ve posted before about dd15, her boyfriend and their son now 8 months. I won’t go into detail as this will be long but long story short:

She started dating a boy and her behaviour changed, we argued all the time, she moved in with her dad and got pregnant. Her bf treated her horribly after they broke up including waiting for her at the bus stop and outside classrooms and getting his friends to aswell basically intimidating her. She was heavily pregnant and extremely anxious about this. She blocked him on everything for a bit then they started talking again

He was at the birth, and as grandson has got bigger he has surprised me by being involved, he does seem to have really grown up and i may be naive but i don’t see him as that bad kid anymore, i think a lot of it is down to parenting (lack of) as he lives with his dad and older brothers and doesn’t see his mum and when his dad found out dd was pregnant he called her a slag and basically said his son wasn’t the dad. They got back together a month or so after grandson was born and I welcomed him as much as possible as I knew being against their relationship would push them together again, like before. He stays over on weekends and gets up with grandson and plays with him etc, grandson adores him and her bf sort of admits he’s only changed for the baby.

He’s given up weed (so he tells dd but i have no evidence or reason to doubt him), it’s not all been plain sailing as he did tattoo his own initial onto dd but dd says he treats her well and they’re happy and i think i do believe her, she cried to me about him multiple times last time they were together when she was still pregnant so i think she’d be honest ( i hope)

Anyway now the reason im posting, we’re going on a caravan holiday tuesday, grandsons first holiday and dd is excited about it, we’re going with her dad and he’ll have some of my dc in his caravan. I can’t really discuss this with her dad though (we aren’t together) as he’d just say let him go as he is quite lax so i’m asking mn, she’s asked if her bf can come. If they were average 15 year olds, no parents then id say no of course not but they’re parents, im still in two minds whether it’s appropriate and also the fact i cant discuss with his dad. He says his dad doesnt care where he is and if he says he’s with us he doesnt care but i do feel abit uncomfortable

WWYD?

** She also asked back in summer. I said no and she stayed with her dad as he didnt come then but this time it’s not possible

This is the least of your problems.

Youve let your 14 year old get pregnant, he's tattooed his name on her, stays with her on the weekend. Why would this caravan holiday be inappropriate?

Op I do think you should ask his Dad, even if you do it by text or when you are next dropping the boy off just ask.

He's your Grandchilds other Grandparent even if Mum and Dad are technically still children.

There is that thing you'd be responsible for the boy while hes with you.

With reluctance I'd say let him come, for your daughter's sake, but don't be afraid to cut the holiday short if things get really bad.
I will say though, having a week away from his own dad's bad influence and seeing how you act with kindness, respect is good role model stuff, it may do the lad a world of good too.

I wouldn't allow it typically but this is far from a typical situation. In this case, I'd allow it as he spends weekends anyway and the fact that he has stepped up for his baby and will get to experience his baby's first holiday.

His dad has never met DGS, which is a good thing in a sense due to how he is, but he just doesn’t seem interested in his own son let alone grandchild, her bf often says his dad blames him for his mum leaving. I don’t drop him off and I don’t have his number either. When I found out dd was pregnant i went to his house to tell his dad and to try and have a conversation but he was quite intimidating tbh and said his son wasn’t the dad and called dd a slag and that was basically the conversation over

Does sound like this lad didn’t have very good role models as he was growing up and his dad doesn’t sound much of a charmer ! But young as they are they need some help being parents and it also sounds like he’s trying .
Although they are both young they are also parents so some changes are needed . Let them be a family unit with you as guidance . Maybe you’ll have time to get to know him while you are all away together . You may see a different side to him . It must have been terrifying for both of them becoming parents so young , and lots of confusing feelings and behaviour . BUT you say he’s surprised you and you don’t see him as that bad kid anymore . I say go away with an open mind and encourage him / them in what they are doing . It’s the best for your grandson too x

Be aware a lot of very young mums have a second baby within a few years.

This is very true!

To the OP, is your dd on birth control? If she isnt then make sure she is asap. Id be encouraging something like the injection or implant so she can't forget to take it.

And don't let them sleep in the same room. That surely should be a condition of him staying over or coming to the caravan considering what a mess they've made already.

And poor lad being blamed for his mum leaving . You may find with some respect he could become a different older than he is now . He wants to spend time with his son ….. more than it sounds his own father does .

I remember your previous posts and I hope you are all doing well.

I would let him come with you, it does sound as if spending time with your family is doing him good. As you don’t speak to his father I would just say to him to let his Dad know where you are going and for how long etc.

I hope that your holiday goes well.

Op it almost sounds like you could end up in a perental guidance role for the boy.

I'd agree its not unusal for young parents to have another fairly soon, which obviously you don't want, so I'd definitely make sure precautions are being taken.

Are these kids in school? How do they support their child ?

Legally they have to be in school. So I assume it will be some benefits plus the OP supporting and perhaps other family members. Why does that matter?

Let him come. He is the dad. He is making an effort. Why anticipate arguments?It is,a chance to really get to know him .

I think the boy needs guidance on how to be a good parent and it seems you are the best person for the job.

If you don't let him go he wont learn anything new

If you do let him come you can teach him some new experiences with his son and how to deal with being responsible for a child outside of the normal home environment. Use the time to press upon him the importance of respecting each other so that he knows good behaviour around your daughter and grandson

I think it’s the perfect opportunity for you to see if he has changed and what the dynamic is.

Agree.

The best thing you can do for your grandson is to try to encourage a functional relationship with his father.

It does sound as though he is trying, so I wouldn't rock that boat. Sometimes the reality of a baby does mature people.

I mean in normal circumstances I'd say no way, but ... the baby is here already so it would be a bit like washing your hands to bake when the cake is already out of the oven!

The bit about him intimidating her at the bus stop when heavily pregnant was awful.