DD has suddenly asked if her bf can come on holiday - WWYD

[LighterDays]

I’ve posted before about dd15, her boyfriend and their son now 8 months. I won’t go into detail as this will be long but long story short:

She started dating a boy and her behaviour changed, we argued all the time, she moved in with her dad and got pregnant. Her bf treated her horribly after they broke up including waiting for her at the bus stop and outside classrooms and getting his friends to aswell basically intimidating her. She was heavily pregnant and extremely anxious about this. She blocked him on everything for a bit then they started talking again

He was at the birth, and as grandson has got bigger he has surprised me by being involved, he does seem to have really grown up and i may be naive but i don’t see him as that bad kid anymore, i think a lot of it is down to parenting (lack of) as he lives with his dad and older brothers and doesn’t see his mum and when his dad found out dd was pregnant he called her a slag and basically said his son wasn’t the dad. They got back together a month or so after grandson was born and I welcomed him as much as possible as I knew being against their relationship would push them together again, like before. He stays over on weekends and gets up with grandson and plays with him etc, grandson adores him and her bf sort of admits he’s only changed for the baby.

He’s given up weed (so he tells dd but i have no evidence or reason to doubt him), it’s not all been plain sailing as he did tattoo his own initial onto dd but dd says he treats her well and they’re happy and i think i do believe her, she cried to me about him multiple times last time they were together when she was still pregnant so i think she’d be honest ( i hope)

Anyway now the reason im posting, we’re going on a caravan holiday tuesday, grandsons first holiday and dd is excited about it, we’re going with her dad and he’ll have some of my dc in his caravan. I can’t really discuss this with her dad though (we aren’t together) as he’d just say let him go as he is quite lax so i’m asking mn, she’s asked if her bf can come. If they were average 15 year olds, no parents then id say no of course not but they’re parents, im still in two minds whether it’s appropriate and also the fact i cant discuss with his dad. He says his dad doesnt care where he is and if he says he’s with us he doesnt care but i do feel abit uncomfortable

WWYD?

** She also asked back in summer. I said no and she stayed with her dad as he didnt come then but this time it’s not possible

Take him so he can be there with the baby

No, she's still underage.

You are so far past whether this is appropriate. They are children who have a child together... I'd try a nurture the friendship and really anything else doesn't matter.

Ime the sooner you support them as a family the better it will be for you all

Dd had a dc at 18. Her bf was 17...
Dc os now 18 months and their relationship is strong..
They lived with is until dgc was 9 months then got a place together

I'd let him go, its his sons first holiday plus I cant see the issue when hes is already staying weekends at yours

MIL is not in my household every day to see what’s going on so for her to judge me openly to my face like that wasn’t nice at all

Given he's spending lots of time with you anyway id probably say yes.

Why would you say no? Hes making an effort with his child and stays at yours anyway

yes all the other things aren’t great like being 15 and tattooing her but you can’t change that

Sorry posted on wrong post

He probably wants to come because it’s his child’s first holiday.

Quite honestly, it isn’t the best situation but it sounds like being with you is doing him some good, especially if his own dad (who doesn’t sound like the best role model) doesn’t really care where he is.

I’d lay down some ground rules but I’d let him tag along.

I think it feels different to him just staying at our house, especially with no conversation with his dad but he’s also not the type of person I can talk to. And it’ll be longer than just one or two nights. I also think if he were 16 i’d feel a bit more comfortable which sounds silly because it’s just a year

Also i guess im worried incase of any arguments but i guess that can happen to anyone any age with a child

Can he come but stay in dd's dad's caravan, so they don't have to spend every moment together?

I'd let him come and enjoy his sons first holiday. I wouldn't love it, but I wouldn't stop it.

When he stays at yours does he sleep in with your daughter? If so then I don’t see why the holiday is any different in your mind regardless of how many nights it is .

DD is tied to this boy regardless of what happens between them, I remember your original post about her giving birth if your the same poster?
They have a child together whilst still being children. They need adults around them to support, listen and encourage positive relationships and parenting.
That means now in the circumstances helping them take their child on holiday for the first time, and help them (more DD) have healthy boundaries and show them how to think through simple things like finding baby change facilities nearby and ensuring they stick to DGS routine.
But if it were me I'd be clear there's no babysitting. They are there together as a family for their babys first holiday. They are parents now, the element of fun on holiday has changed and that is their doing. I'd agree to him going, but only on the understanding they are still doing all the parenting.

Oh god, that poor girl is involved in adult relationships and a child of her own when she's still a child herself.

I would say no, tbh. I don't think they are old enough to be in such a serious relationship. Having a child together is a different thing.

Is it possible to go to the caravan for a day with him?

He tattooed his initials on her? What? 😮

Why is it different if he’s in a caravan than at your house?

Oh help. Children having children. OP you also sound very young.

Ok, it’s happened. Now everyone needs to grow up. Speak to her and treat her and indeed him like adults, and come to a conclusion together. Not great, but the horse has long bolted.

Title is misleading, because this is not your average situation. This isnt just her boyfriend, its your grandchild's father. So due to that I'd say take the lad.

He's going to be in your life a long time, probably. So take him and keep an eye on it, if they misbehave then you know not to do it again.

? are you on the wrong thread?

@OsfameronTanamorilyes, i posted at the time under this username i believe. in the end I just picked my battles as it was already done, and it’d have just pushed her away but i wasn’t happy about it

Caravan for a day isn’t possible unfortunately due to distance, it’s a good suggestion that he sleep in her dads caravan so they’re separate but then i feel xx would then say about him getting up if baby wakes which in fairness he does do when he stays over, now baby is older he is much more involved in the parenting side of things

To posters saying what difference is it that it’s a caravan, it’s just the fact that i won’t have spoken to his dad, I personally don’t think id feel comfortable if someone took one of my ds’s away at 15 without talking to me but i guess its also a different scenario

I’m 40

As he's doing his best to be a dad despite his young age, I would agree to take him.

@LighterDays I would not be letting him stay at weekends or on holiday. Yes, they share a dc, but that was obviously a mistake. Once is a mistake, twice is idiocy. You shouldn’t be encouraging them at their age.