Are some people rubbish cooks or is it just weaponised incompetence?

[Starling78]

PhD student currently living back at home (hopefully not for long). It’s just DM and I. I pay board, help out around the house etc and we generally get on well.

DM has never been a great cook. I grew up labelled as a fussy child but in reality this is more likely due to the fact I was raised on plain/beige meals that could be quickly shoved in the oven and ready meals.. I do most of the cooking/grocery shopping/meal planning etc for both of us as I genuinely enjoy it and find it useful as a way of de-stressing. DM will occasionally make dinner, usually just the simple meat & two veg, spaghetti bolognese, stir fry type stuff that I would count as fool proof. No matter how easy the recipe is she will carelessly burn something, overcook things, undercook it, forget key ingredients… I could go on. Invariably if I dare mention a thing she’ll then get flustered, refuse to eat and tell me I should’ve just done it myself. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember (only child).

Drives me absolutely insane as I will easily spend an hour carefully prepping a nice risotto or homemade pasta dish with 0 thanks and criticism on any minor details she deems wrong or is too fussy to eat!

I was well into my 30s before I learned to cook. My mother was born into awful poverty at the end of the war, to an alcoholic mother who never taught her to cook. So she had no skills or knowledge to pass down to me. And I’m the world’s worst eater (I reckon I’d be diagnosed with ARFID) so cooking didn’t matter too much until I got together with my now husband.

I’ve learned lots about seasoning, layering and building flavours, things that work well together etc. I like to look at recipes then jazz the dish up a bit. I won’t do complicated stuff and I can’t do a Sunday or Xmas dinner as I can’t seem to get it all ready for the same time!

My mum was an absolutely awful cook, but was absolutely fantastic at baking. It wasn't a sweet Vs savoury thing either, as she did good savoury bakes too.

I don't think it makes you weird.

I completely agree with you.

What I find odd, is that someone intelligent enough to be doing a PhD, and who has lived with other people for presumably 3 years whilst doing your degree, can't understand that people are different, with different skills and different interests.

Since I’ve had long covid with no sense of smell and almost no sense of taste my cooking has been really terrible! It’s MUCH safer for me to use ready meals, beige food and jar sauces than attempt anything complicated.

I'm nostalgic for the days when we could have threads without someone mentioning ADHD.

I can't cook at all. Even if I follow a recipe it still goes wrong. I can't even cook oven chips or fish fingers. Luckily my husband likes cooking.

It’s not brain surgery to follow a recipe. That’s how I started and became competent. It bears no relation to a talent for painting or drawing.
Also YouTube these days takes you step by step.

I could say it's not brain surgery to follow the notes on a sheet of music. So why can't everyone sing beautifully, or play an instrument ?

I could say it's not brain surgery to follow instructions in a Pilates class, dance class, or the coach's instructions in a sports team. So why isn't everyone as co-ordinated as each other ?

It's not brain surgery to learn to drive. Personally I found it easy and passed my test when I was 17. Why doesn't everyone (who was able to afford to take a test) ? Some people hoe have passed their tests are terrible drivers.

It's not brain surgery to learn some basic DIY tasks - as you say, there are plenty of videos on You Tube. Why isn't everyone doing their own house maintenance ?

It's not brain surgery to knit a jumper. Why can't everyone ?

Hmmm. Do you think it possible that some people might have more of an aptitude for some things rather than others?
Which does tend to lead on to some people practising more because we naturally tend to put time into things we enjoy, and we tend to enjoy things we are good at.

People don’t all value food the same way. You could spend an hour cooking and get something (to you) nice but if you don’t care so much it’s adequate. A microwave meal is also adequate so all the extra faff just seems like a waste of time and effort.

I do home visits and it sort of reminds me of folk with fancy coffee machines. I love coffee so am delighted when people pulllout the fancy beans and tell me about their bean to cup machine and froth my milk. I’ve colleagues that just want coffee hot and wet so anything over instant is a waste of time.

I think you’d find it easier to reframe your mothers thinking. If you consider she doesnt value food in the same way then quick meals and lackadaisical cooking make sense because food just needs to be adequate. Personally I’d do some freezer meals do if she did want to cook she can microwave a risotto ( or whatever) some quick veg or a prepared salad and it’s on the plate in under ten minutes.

That's an interesting hypothesis, and I can see why it might work, but I have to tell you, in my ADHD-heavy extended family, cooking is something enjoyed and practiced to a very high standard. I think for some, it is the multi-tasking that appeals.
I think it is also about being a bit of a foodie, about really liking food and being interested in what you eat. Most of my family treat it like a science, and will compare methods and ingredients and temperatures. Dull to some people, no doubt, but endlessly fascinating to us. Not so much the A14 mentioned by *VoltaireMittyDream .

Everyone is different. My Mum left school without any qualifications but she can cook, bake, knit, sew, garden, dance. I have tried to follow recipes and it 99% time it's a disaster.

Actually traditional bolognese does have carrot in. I always use sofrito. Your MIL is right!

I’m a good cook, but I tend to measure by eye and taste, and find following exact recipes a pain. I’m an absolutely terrible baker and don’t even try. My DP follows recipes to the letter and is also a good cook, he’s much better at things that involve multiple timings than I am. He would never think “oh, there are mushrooms that need using up, they would go well in this chicken pasta dish”, it’s just not how he’s wired in the kitchen.

I have a close friend who’s a solicitor and a very clever, capable, woman, but can’t/wont cook, and her family eat pretty much “chuck it in the oven from M&S” meals. I’d trust her to get me out of jail but no way would I eat a meal she’d cooked from scratch (although she never would anyway). I have another friend who’d cheerfully live on toast and vitamins if she didn’t have a family to feed - she’s genuinely just not interested in food, cooking it or eating it. She sees food as fuel. Her husband is the cook in their house and if he’s away it’s “pizza bagels” and cucumber sticks!

I think we’re all just different?

Trying to everything ready for the same time is the mistake that’s ruined many a roast dinner. Theyd never do it in a professional kitchen. Meat should often be put aside wrapped in foil to rest for a half hour. Root veg (including spuds) in serving dishes in the oven once meat is out. Then the last bit I’d just for more delicate veg and sauce.

Honestly hsve another go but stagger your timing so everything is ready within 20-30 minutes.

Cooking is one of those tasks that's boring for some people. Don't get me wrong, I can make a chilli, a pasta dish, soup, but it's nothing to write home about. I'm not going to try improve my skills because I don't care to (although I'll try to improve the recipe if I or someone else feels like it needs something). Luckily, my DP has an aptitude for it and loves to cook.

Some people also just eat for sustenance.

Exactly. I'm no cook, and an even worse baker, but I can take a decent photograph. I understand how to cook but I really don't get one iota of enjoyment from it so I don't make much of an effort. As far as I'm concerned the easier the better - and when I was married my DH did all the cooking.

I enjoy cooking and I’m good at it. However I am terrible at baking, no matter what I do it goes wrong 🤣 so I can see how this can be the same for cooking

I'm a great cook. My mum was a chef and I much prefer my cooking over hers (her Currys were weird)

I think that it helps if you enjoy eating for a start. I think that bad cooks don't have a great sense of taste or smell and they can't really judge by sight if something if well done or undercooked or overcooked. The best cooks I know don't rely on recipes but rely on their sense of taste, touch, smell and instinct.

You are good at it because you enjoy doing it, your DM probably doesn’t.

I'm so bad at cooking. Ive tried really really hard to get better- DH will chuck loads of things in a pan and it comes out tasting divine, like Gordon Ramsey prepared it. I do the exact same thing and it tastes like loft insulation. Its like some weird instinctual thing.

As a result, DH does all the cooking in our house and I do the cleaning up.

I am not going to beat myself up about it- I am very good at lots of other things and I dont see why, just because I'm female I need to haul myself over the coals about it which I would probably overcook anyway 🤭

Just reading this post was soul soothing to me because I feel exactly the same!

If you are "weird" for this, then so am I. 👏

I am a terrible cook people can call it what they want it doesnt change it

My mum was absolutely a rubbish cook 😂😂😂 she burnt down the kitchen one day! Wed have starved if dad didn't cook 😊 he rebuilt the kitchen and mum was banned from entering

I’m not a great cook either.

I think in my case, I start out well, get excited by recipes, pick up the cards in the supermarket, buy recipe books etc, then when I look at the ingredients required, it just all seems like to much of a faff. Once I would have had to buy all of the ingredients it’s very often cheaper to buy ready made.

I did try Gousto for a few months, actually made some great meals, worked out well but then I forgot one week to cancel as we were going away. Think I was only about an hour over the cancellation deadline but they wouldn’t bend. I paused my subscription and haven’t started it again.

I suppose I don’t have the same enthusiasm as you @Starling78. I’m the one who has to do all of the food shopping and the one who decides what everyone is having. The monotony of this week in, week out, as well as also working full time, I don’t find it enjoyable. Maybe that’s how your DM feels, especially after the criticism on top of it all.