Are some people rubbish cooks or is it just weaponised incompetence?

[Starling78]

PhD student currently living back at home (hopefully not for long). It’s just DM and I. I pay board, help out around the house etc and we generally get on well.

DM has never been a great cook. I grew up labelled as a fussy child but in reality this is more likely due to the fact I was raised on plain/beige meals that could be quickly shoved in the oven and ready meals.. I do most of the cooking/grocery shopping/meal planning etc for both of us as I genuinely enjoy it and find it useful as a way of de-stressing. DM will occasionally make dinner, usually just the simple meat & two veg, spaghetti bolognese, stir fry type stuff that I would count as fool proof. No matter how easy the recipe is she will carelessly burn something, overcook things, undercook it, forget key ingredients… I could go on. Invariably if I dare mention a thing she’ll then get flustered, refuse to eat and tell me I should’ve just done it myself. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember (only child).

Drives me absolutely insane as I will easily spend an hour carefully prepping a nice risotto or homemade pasta dish with 0 thanks and criticism on any minor details she deems wrong or is too fussy to eat!

Of course lots of people find it hard. We are all good and bad and different things. Id have thought a PhD student would have realised that. Though I have to say the meals you mention sound perfectly reasonable to me. I think you are pretty rude to criticise her to be honest.

I just can't be arsed to cook anymore. I did it for decades.
Maybe your mum is just fed up with it and was happy with girl dinner

If you're both getting on each other's nerves with your cooking style then it makes perfect sense for two grown ass women living under one roof to cook for themselves, how they like, when they like.

I love cooking and am apparently quite good. If you want me to entertain a small child, keep a plant alive or drive anywhere, I'm rubbish (and have stopped driving because I dont consider myself safe enough) People have different skill sets, it's normal and what seems simple to you, may not be to someone else.

I think cooking - like so many things - is about confidence. You sound like you've got a lot of confidence in your ability to cook a nice meal. Your mum for whatever reason doesn't, and that's reflected in the meals she makes. So if you are criticising her cooking, it's really rubbing salt in the wound.

If my dh and DS2 weren't at home I would never cook again. I'd live off salad and jacket potatoes, crusty bread and cheese, beans on toast. I'd eat my vegetables raw (and frequenty do...I have an allotment and grow lots of my own fruit and veg)

Cooking is utterly boring to me... I eat because I need to, and can cook all the boring basics perfectly well: lasagne, do a decent roast (though don't eat meat myself) casserole etc but I have no interest in recipes (and risotto is grim in any format)

Pouring over a recipe and spending ages in the kitchen is just alien to me. I eat well...and healthily , but cooking just does not interest me at ALL.

We are all different. I would suggest you stop mentioning anything and just cook for yourself, or for both of you if it bothers you that much, as frankly you are being quite rude about your Mum. You survived to adulthood ok!

I’d be annoyed that she is not accepting of her shortcomings. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind it so much if you could both just laugh about the bad food. And of course she should appreciate your effort in making food taste nice - it couldn’t have been easy teaching everything yourself.

Im guessing she’s a difficult person, not very self aware, and may be a bit competitive/ envious of her own daughter?

Cooking bores the living shite out of me.
I have a handful of things I "can" cook. In fact, I just spent most of today making two soups and two lunches (DD is fussy) which were scarfed down in 15 minutes. Soup is for the week.
But I can easily burn water, forget to stir, forget or overdo seasoning; things go cold because I can't time things properly.
I've made a whole 2 roast dinners in my 50 years.
DH is better, but not by much. Christmas lunch is always a mish mash of whatever we fancy that year, usually saltimboca (were not in the UK), or a pork in almond sauce thing. I can't even conquer roast veg, it's always soggy 🤢

I sewed my own wedding dress, so my talents lay elsewhere.

Don't eat your mum's food if it's so bad. But if someone tells me they took an hour to make fancy rice, I'd make all the right noises but not really give a toss.

I also think people have different priorities when cooking, mine is just to make it taste nice! When I read tips on here like ‘bulk out a lasagne with lentils’ I always think there’s no way that would taste better, I’d rather have a smaller amount of a nice tasting food. My MIL will chuck in any random veg to any meal for health, eg broccoli and peas into pasta, grating carrot into bolognaise etc, it often really doesn’t go, but that’s not what she’s aiming for!

Some of us just don't enjoy cooking and try to make it as simple as possible. I would be bored to tears spending an hour prepping anything. If you don't like what your DM has cooked then don't eat it.

Incidentally, what has the fact you are a PhD student got to do with anything, and why is it okay for you to comment on her cooking, but not for her to comment on yours?

My DM is an extremely competent cook, everything from scratch. Most things seasoned properly, gravy from the meat juices and veg water, roasted potatoes cooked from scratch, delicious risotto, etc.

I'm an ok-ish cook, comfortable and competent to a degree with some meals like bolognese, stir fries, roast chicken etc. I absolutely love my food and have a varied palate, but never leaned to cook from my DM for some reason.

If I had the time, energy, inclination, and wasn’t a 'possible" ADHD (and didn't have 3 DC, two of whom are pretty fussy), I'd make a lot more of an effort.

Cooking as a PP said is very much an art as well as a science. Being competent is one thing, being excellent is a definite other. Plus, as a PP said, we can't all be good at everything.

My DM, who was amazing in many ways, was a terrible cook. She wasn’t really interested in food - not preparing it or eating it - and basically couldn’t be bothered. She did have many other
strengths.

I think you have to enjoy it, find it interesting and be able to concentrate on what you're doing for the half hour or so it takes to cook something.

If you find it tedious and your mind is on other things, you're going to go wrong. I'm a reasonably competent cook but if my mind is on something else, I'm likely to produce a burnt offering or worse.

Some people are just awful cooks - don't have the skills or knowledge. Can't follow a recipe because they don't understand the basics - what does "browned" mean, What's cooked/ under-cooked/ over cooked etc. a friend asked me if I'd put cream on my chicken - she didn't understand it went white as it cooked. Another boiled mince in water because that's how she thought you cooked it. Cutting up veg, cooking veg etc. all skills that some people are just better at.

I'll never be a great artist - I can't draw, paint or take decent photograph but I can cook!

'Weaponised incompetence' is saying that someone is deliberately shit in order to make you do something. It's incredibly judgemental. Has your mum been deliberately cooking beige meals for 30 years so that you will do it all?

I am a dull, functional cook. I can follow a recipe but would cheerfully never cook again. I loathe it but love eating so do make a bit of an effort now and then.
My husband didn't even manage that. He was truly terrible. But he cheerfully ate everything that he cooked and never expected me to cook for him.

We're not all the same.
Who knew?

I honestly just can’t be bothered to cook . I find it a ridiculous waste of time. Sandwiches, eating out and fruit. That’s my complete menu.

It's quite possible to produce cheap, healthy meals these days without really cooking. Those bowls with say sardines, quinoa, spinach, seeds, greek yoghurt etc etc. Or just chucking salmon in the oven and baking it with veg, instead of doing complicated stuff is fine. And if you don't like cooking, why not?
Don't see the point making yourself miserable doing something you don't like, same as not stitching in name tags if you prefer using the modern non sew ones is fine, and not doing much in the way of decorating/gardening is ok if you don't want to do that.
If the person you live with enjoys a task you hate, let them do that, and you do something else. If you live alone/neither of you like it, find a way around it that's safe and healthy.

My DH does 99% of the cooking at home as he is far better at it than me. Works for us 😀

Imo it's the same as anything - some people are naturally talented and other people are not. But everyone can improve with effort and practice. And everyone can find a handful of things they can cook to a tolerable level.

No there are just bad cooks. My sil thinks she's a brilliant cook but aside from her dreadful levels of hygiene, the last meal I was forced to eat there was uncooked boiled potatoes, cold ratatouille and very very rare lamb.

Mother in law is almost as bad with lard added to grilled food, plastic bags of giblets left in chickens and Christmas dinner served without any form of potato because she forgot them

I hate cooking, it's the worst chore... 😫

I'm not a great cook because I don't enjoy cooking, don't want to learn how to be better because I just don't care!

I cook for my kids, they eat it but I know full well they will never say they love their mum's food 😄 Weponised incompetence? No. I just bloody hate it!

Many people are rubbish cooks. We can't be great at everything.

However to add to my post, I'm not that bothered about eating nice food either so will never be excited or discriminating about someone else's food.

My mum and younger sister have very little interest in food. They are terrible cooks. My mum has cognitive issues following a stroke but she never has any idea how long something has been in the oven for, how long it needs to be in and whether everything will be cooked at the same time. She makes about 3 different dishes and that is it and she broadly copes by instinct but can't cope when things don't go to plan. She got a new oven a couple of years ago and we had several difficult meals with raw meat and burnt veg.

My sister tends to invite me to her house and get me to cook for her..

My other sister and myself and big foodies and my dad is to a degree but has a limited range of meals but it is always nicely cooked and tasty.

Food for my mum and sister is very much in the fuel category and not really something to sit and enjoy. I have a 6yo who is very much in this camp too which is a challenge!

You enjoy it and so pay attention and take care. She hates it, finds it boring, frustrating, unrewarding, so she doesn't. You are two different people.

I used to hate cooking. Boring, a waste of time, I had a stressful international job, was always tired or jet lagged and couldn't care less what I ate. Not weaponised incompetence because I was single, no partner, just I knew I'd be eating huge hotel suppers within a day or two.

Then I had ds, and good nutrition became essential, plus I had to switch to a uk job so I had less money. Suddenly I had good reasons to take an interest.