AIBU to be annoyed with MIL today

[TURTLE74]

I had a surgery done for hysteroscopy and biopsy under general anaesthetic 2 weeks ago. I have had no help or support during this time from Husband 62, Son 26, Daughter 22 at all and have told them to help me out but they haven’t. MIL 89 was round for dinner today and she followed me into kitchen asking if I was ok. I told her I wasn’t and explained why and she said to me you don’t let anyone help you, you always say no and I bet if xxxx (DD) came in to say she’s washing the dishes you would say no. I said to her you don’t know that she said to me yes I do cos you never let people help you out & you never accept any help. I said to her I have asked DH to help me out with cooking and he said to me it’s just a bit of cooking. She just completely flipped it over onto me saying how I was the one at fault for not asking for any help or letting others help me. Am I wrong for feeling very annoyed here or AIBU because of her age. I also said to her quite clearly you don’t understand how I feel so let’s agree to disagree

I think the issue is more that all the other adults in the house seem to do bugger all and expect OP to do it, whether she has had a medical procedure or not

In the past, have you refused help in the kitchen?

Blame the OP…. 🙄

It’s not a major op. Like most people I was back at work the next day. Dial down the drama!!

To be fair to everyone you have had a basic procedure that doesn’t take 2 weeks to recover from!🤷‍♀️😂 it’s a 24 hour recovery generally and you don’t need help doing everything after it!

If she’s a Martyr then yes blame her.

I also don't get the pile on - mil has followed OP around the house with the purpose of gaslighting her ! OP has a lazy selfish family and mil is probably the last straw!

Women who are used to doing everything alone, find it hard to just stop, even when they are tired and in pain.

Of OP is still suffering then it indicates that something is wrong, not that she's making a fuss about nothing!

But she has 2 adult children who did nothing. Who raised them then?

Hmm I agree, you’re focussing on MIL when your adult kids and DH should have been helping you.

However, my own mum is exactly how your MIL describes you. She won’t accept lifts in the pouring rain, or help in the kitchen, or money for meals out, lifts to the hospital, etc etc. It’s completely wearing. So it does happen, and you should maybe have an honest think about it.

Maybe i am the only one misreading but your MIL is basically saying you are a martyr in your house. Accept no help when offered etc so this is why noone has offered to take the load?

It seems their father was the dominant influence. Stop blaming a woman in pain, who needs help, because the people around her are shitty.

Even the best parents in the world can't totally control how their dc grow up - nature v nurture

I've had two hysteroscopies this year. Both with just a local anaesthetic. The first one, they took biopsies and to be honest, within 34 hours I was back to normal. The second one they scraped away the lining of my womb and fitted a coil. That was definitely more painful, even with the local anaesthetic and when I got home, I was cramping for about 24 hours, as if I was in labour. Once that settled, apart from feeling tired, things weren't too bad. On the advice of the consultant who carried out the procedure, I stayed off work for a few days and then went back with no issues (in a school). I do think your family should have helped out , certainly at the beginning, but by now I would expect you to be virtually back to normal, unless you have other conditions you haven't mentioned. It does sound as though your family don't do much to help normally and only you will know whether that is because they choose not to help or whether there is some truth in what your MIL says about you being a martyr over chores. Either way, maybe this could be an opportunity to change both yours and your family's attitude towards helping out.

Why do people still use the word 'help'. Why should OP be doing everything? they are all adults in the house. Surely the words to be used should be 'sharing' or 'doing'

Mil is 89 - different generation it does sound like she was insensitive. However, your DH sounds like a total dick and you children are a disgrace. If he’d have said “it’s just a bit of cooking” to me he’d be just doing the cooking for the next 20 years!
You have way bigger problems than your mil. I think you are probably scared to face up to them as it would be seriously hurtful. Criticising mil makes you feel like you are doing something by being angry at someone. Trouble is you’ve picked the wrong someone.