AIBU to be annoyed with MIL today

[TURTLE74]

I had a surgery done for hysteroscopy and biopsy under general anaesthetic 2 weeks ago. I have had no help or support during this time from Husband 62, Son 26, Daughter 22 at all and have told them to help me out but they haven’t. MIL 89 was round for dinner today and she followed me into kitchen asking if I was ok. I told her I wasn’t and explained why and she said to me you don’t let anyone help you, you always say no and I bet if xxxx (DD) came in to say she’s washing the dishes you would say no. I said to her you don’t know that she said to me yes I do cos you never let people help you out & you never accept any help. I said to her I have asked DH to help me out with cooking and he said to me it’s just a bit of cooking. She just completely flipped it over onto me saying how I was the one at fault for not asking for any help or letting others help me. Am I wrong for feeling very annoyed here or AIBU because of her age. I also said to her quite clearly you don’t understand how I feel so let’s agree to disagree

MIL is not in my household every day to see what’s going on - I did ask them for help today but my husband said to me it’s just a bit of cooking so for her to judge me like it’s my fault for not accepting help isn’t on

Also said to me I can tell you don’t get any help but when I said to her how can you tell she said to me because you don’t ask for help. I said to her you are so very wrong I have asked for help today and I have not got it you only see a fraction of what’s going on you are not here every day to see anything

You asked your husband to help, but he said no. Why are you on here complaining about your MIL? It's clear the problems are elsewhere.

Yes, why blame her? Also, not the point of your post, but did your doctor say you should still be struggling at this stage? It's just after the same op, everyone I knew was back to normal before now. Please don't think I'm saying everyone should be the same, or all my friends are superwomen. There might well be reasons yours is taking longer, and that's fine if your doctor is happy. It's not a competition. I'm only saying as I got an infection after a 20 minute op once, and I wish someone had advised me to check things sooner.
But I agree with pp it seems you're being mean to her for no reason here.

Poor op it dosent matter if it’s minor or not her family should be stepping up abit! She’s a right to feel abit sorry for herself and want a bit of looking after!

DO you often turn down offers of help? Does she have a point?

You should listen to her. No one is currently helping you so whatever you’re doing is not working. Learn to say ‘yes’ every time someone offers you help from now on. Even if you don’t need it at that precise time.

Don’t be a servant for everyone else as they get too used to it.

A hysteroscopy is very minor so you shouldn’t still be needing help due to that. You should be having help due to the fact that they are all adults and you shouldn’t be doing everything on your own. I don’t think this is a MIL issue

Stop doing the things you have asked for help with. Only get your own meal, wash your own clothes and tidy your own mess. When it’s not done they can do it.

I think at the point I was being followed around my kitchen being told I never accept help, I would stop and say you are right, I'm going to sit down and you all sort out what still needs doing for dinner!

Then go and rest and see what happens.

Weird to be more annoyed at your MIL than at your family who aren’t helping you.

Are you sure there isn’t some truth in what she’s saying? Maybe what she means is that in normal circumstances you don’t accept help, so now it’s difficult for them to step in when you’re unwell.

Anyway if you’re feeling ill, take to your bed, WhatsApp the family a meal plan and tell them you would like lunch left for you beside the bed by 12 and dinner at 6, plus they have to deal with pets between them for the next week.

Just stop doing everything. It’s pretty simple.

You are using the wrong language and always talking about ‘help’. All adults who live in the house should be sharing chores. Do they do anything?

What strikes me is that you seem to frame the other adults in your house partaking in basic cooking, cleaning etc as “help” for you. Why are these your jobs, that they would only “help” you with, and then that’s only expected when you’re less than 100%?

Is it because you have some agreement whereby they all work but you don’t? But still unusual for adult children not to play their part in those circumstances, and I wouldn’t expect a DH to do nothing. If you do work, or if you and DH both retired young or similar, even more reason for them to be shared.

I agree you have a DH and D”C” problem rather than it being about MIL, but it seems like an all the time problem not just after minor surgery.

Maybe MIL was annoying but she’s not the real problem in all this.

X post!!

You sound like a complete martyr.
Your husband and child are a disgrace.

Stop doing anything for anyone.
Look after yourself.
No more cooking, laundry or shopping for anyone.
Focus completely on yourself.

What is your future going to be like if this is what how you are treated?

Forget about your MIL.

Your husband sounds abusive expecting you to cook after surgery.
Tell your GP.
Ask for support.

This is not normal family life.
Are you afraid of your husband that you are cooking despite recovering from surgery.

I had the some procedure done about 7 years ago and I'm so pleased to hear they are doing it with anaesthetic now because mine was without anything apart from paracetamol. I remember feeling awful that evening but the next day I was fine really.

I think there's a bigger problem here OP and it's not your MIL. Your family need to help you out more in general.

I don’t understand the pile-on…

Clearly this is an ongoing problem. MiL noticed the OP wasn’t ok, and then told her it was her own fault.

It doesn’t matter what other people’s experience of that procedure was. The OP’s experience was that her family treated it as nothing.

Ideally the very perceptive MiL would speak to her son and adult grandchildren and encourage them to pay more attention to@TURTLE74 and do their share of the work without being asked and without treating anything they do as a favour.

So you asked for help, your DH said no, then you went and did everything yourself anyway? It sounds like after a long number of years your lazy and uncaring DH knows you'll just get on with it if he decides to sit on his arse. Suits him down to the ground.

I can see why you're annoyed at your MIL - she was sticking her oar in where it wasn't wanted. But the real issue is that your DH is mean and couldn't give a shit about you.

Also, you have a 22 year old who acts like a child. You have to take at least some of the blame for that. I had surgery a while back and my 15 year old, who is currently on half term, is cleaning the bathroom, because he understands that it is as much his job as mine and I can't do it at the moment. If he was just sitting there expecting me to do things for him I'd be very very unimpressed, both with him and myself.

@TURTLE74

Fwiw GA affects me badly... for a long time as well. Im lethargic and forgetful for months so I am sympathetic.

I see where your mil is coming from she's done it poorly but essentially she's on your side i think.
You do sound like a people pleaser / martyr (I'm not saying its your fault but its a statement of facts)

Via motherhood in particular I find woman are pushed into various tropes....the high maintenance and demanding woman, the nag, the martyr, the "hysterical" woman....

In the conversation you had with your dh...I'd have said "oh great. Well if it's that easy I'll leave you to it as i am exhausted..." and then i'd have got settled on the sofa and made it clear i was doing ZERO.
But I think the best defence is a good offence and that isnt perfect either.

Use ghis as your lightbulb moment.

Drop the rope - let them sort themselves out. Just stop doing it. 2 adults could have made a meal for their mother and grandmother without your intervention.

Your dh and dd sound very uncaring.

Yes I had the same but without a GA. My DH nearly passed out though 😂

If you're still affected by pain or fatigue, you need to see the doctor.

I wouldn't be asking anybody to help me in your situation. I'd be sitting down and doing nothing and let them take over completely.

I imagine Christmas Day isn’t exactly a barrel of laughs in this family home

It is an incredibly minor procedure. Maybe 10 mins under. I was back to work two days later. And I’m pretty feeble!